Category Archives: My Future’s So Bright I Need Shades

ENGAGED!

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So yeah, I’m engaged.

Friday Dean whisked me (and our dog) off to central Virginia to The Natural Bridge and an unknown weekend event. After Natural Bridge we had a wet dog sacked out in the car and I had no idea where we were going. Soon enough we pulled up on a gorgeous cabin in the mountains and my parents there! And they decorated! HUZZAH! Happy 30th to me!

And then it got better. When I was making dinner, all of a sudden my brother and his girlfriend showed up!!!! Holy fuck! This is my gift, right? A weekend with my family! Nope. We all enjoyed dinner and then it was cake and presents time. Oh, there are gifts too! Mom and stepdad got me tickets to “Play” which is where the National Symphony Orchestra plays video game music to scenes of the games. We’re seeing that at Wolftrap (outdoor venue where you can have a picnic and booze). They also got me tickets to see Wicked at the Kennedy Center in DC. HOLY SHIT!!!!! And then I open yet another bag and wow, there’s a really pretty berry colored purse! (Total brand x cheap purse but thats my style and I love it.)

Oh and then there was this other little gift from Dean. Dear God, really? I’ve already gotten a day trip, a cabin rental, and my family for the weekend. You mean there’s more?? Yup. In that bag were diamond earrings. Oh my God! Suffice to say I was speechless and elated and couldn’t believe what a wonderful birthday I was having.

And then Saturday showed up and everyone had breakfast together. No real plans to do anything but socialize and enjoy each other’s company, play some games, and eat good food. There I was making lunch for everyone (turkey burgers) when Dean came up behind me, said “let me ask you a question”, wrapped his arms around me, and put a ring in front of me. I barely heard the “will you marry me?” before I whirled around saying “YES! YES! A million times yes!!!!” tears pouring out of my eyes, mascara running, hands shaking, kissing the love of my life. Yes yes yes!

The ring didn’t fit my finger so I made sure it went on a chain around my neck. We’ll be getting it re-sized after my birthday party on the 12th (yup, there’s more!) so I don’t want it going anywhere.

WE’RE ENGAGED! WE’RE GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!

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just let go

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For reasons I won’t get into, my dad and I drove grandma back to Ohio from his house in Virginia after she’d been in North Carolina with my aunt for an extended stay.

It was a long weekend.

20 hours in the car with my dad. Frustrating conversations that went nowhere. White-knuckle driving through snow/ice/sleet. Face to face with the shell of a woman my grandma is now due to her brain failing her on a few levels. 14th anniversary of my brother dying. Catching a cold from hell. Late night conversations over a bottle of wine with my aunt who is quite possibly my favorite person on earth. Making last minute decisions. Letting go of my pride and asking for money so I could come back to see them all at Christmas.

Watching. Observing. Laughing. Loving.

The only way to move forward is to forgive even if that’s only ever done internally. They’ll never know what I’ve forgiven or what I’ve let go. They’ll just see that I’m calm, fun to be around, and that I’m very happy. And just letting myself be happy made it easier to ignore the opinions, block out the bullshit, and just focus on each person’s goodness. I disagree with so much they say it’s not even funny, but under that exterior fountain of bullshit, there are genuinely good people and I’m related to them.

In the course of 48 hours I let go of the hurt, anger, and sadness I’ve held about my family. I washed the resentment out of my hair and scrubbed the drama out of my skin. I moved forward.

I let go and I feel amazing.

 

rocky road

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Once upon a time, I made a vow to not ever blog when I was hormonal, in the middle of a fight, or when drunk. So far I’ve managed to obey this rule this year, but I won’t lie… it’s been a little rocky with Dean as of late.

I had this really great vacation, but then I came home sick and was thrown on double antibiotics for sinusitis and a UTI. Well as every woman knows, antibiotics cause other problems and double antibiotics seem to make it even worse. Up until this year, I had only ever experienced one very mild yeast infection. This year? Two from hell.

My point? I was sick as fuck, had a UTI on top of it, and then the cure for both of these caused a yeast infection. If you didn’t already guess it, when the vagina is unhappy the woman who owns it ends up miserable as well.

But is that really the issue? No, not even close. It’s just making me miserable on top of my over-thinking on top of decision making on top of work on top of stress on top of hormonal issues. Essentially, I’ve been a miserable cuntbag and I’ve had a hard time keeping it in check with Dean. In fact, a week after we got back from the beach, we had a fight and ended up staying apart from each other. It was the first time since we started dating that we were apart for such a long time and it was rough. We seem to only ever fight over the phone too and those fights are truly awful. He also loves to fight and hates to lose so he’ll get downright evil if he has to just to win. The problem with that? Some of the shit he says implants in my brain and germinates into full blown spiraling and changes my entire point of view. let’s just say he learned the hard way that he can’t throw a bullshit sentence out to me just to hurt me or try to win, because ultimately it bites him in the ass.

Oh, but all this has a further point…

Dean and I have had some deep thoughts and we’ve decided we want to start a family and get married. The problem with that is the logistics of it all aren’t sinking in and now it’s come to the point where big decisions need to be made before any progress can be made. I’ve argued my case and put my foot down on a few points. I’ve compromised on others. Now the ball is in his court to make a choice and decide the current path of the future. It’s a lot for him to take in and I understand this, but I’m very impatient.

I’m also a walking bag of hormones and my menstrual cycle has been completely blown away two months in a row due to 3 new women starting work in my office in the last 45 days. Clearly I’m NOT the alpha female in this group and working in a trailer as the only woman for 9 months then suddenly having 3 other cycles in there is wreaking havoc on my body. Dean constantly hopes my fucked up periods will result in pregnancy which is actually quite nice to hear and feel. It’s just not been the result yet.

Lately the coping method for all of this has been to drown in reading and I chose to start reading the Harry Potter books for the first time. What a perfect mental vacation!

So there you have it… there’s a LOT on my mind, I’ve been having a hell of a time catching back up at work, and things were a little dicey there with my mate. It seems to have all sorted itself out now though and life has resumed it’s normal course. Now I just need to catch up on blogs, post some beach pictures, and finish the Harry Potter books!

Side note: discovered this past weekend that I am almost as happy with reading in bed together for hours on end as I am with hot passionate make up sex. The combination of the two things in one day? Ecstasy.

the downward spiral clause

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While I do appreciate spontaneity here and there, over all I’m a total planner. Part of this came about as a solution from a therapist once upon a time when I was diagnosed with moderate OCD. One of the things I do is worry and worry and think and think and think until I lose my mind. This would happen for days on end and I’d lose sleep over it. So now, rather than spiral out of control, I come up with possible solutions. I usually need one solid plan and one or two back up plans.

Keeping that in mind, it should come as no surprise that the minute Dean and I started talking about a future, my brain kicked into over drive.

My lease ends December 2010. My job site is running through October 2011. We have x amount of money to pay for a wedding. I have X amount of support from X amount of people. Between us, we have 100 people to invite to a wedding. He wants this scenario, I want the opposite. My truck is paid off in June 2011. If he moves in with me for this time frame, I’ll move to where ever he wants at the end of that time frame. If I got pregnant in ______ the baby would be ______ months old max before the next lease is up. I have 3 months maternity leave as of January 1st, 2 of which are paid. We have X amount of time to save up X amount of money to move to a bigger place. We would move to _____.

And on and on and on. If, if, if. Pending, pending, pending. Blah, blah, blah.

In my head, I have 3 different scenarios lined up depending on what happens first and when it happens. This is all pending reality of course, but without that kind of potential planning, I can’t function. I will spiral down until I have a solution. If it’s something I can control (IE: getting pregnant and planning somewhat for how to raise our spawn the first few months) then it’s easier on me. When something happens thats out of my control? Holy shit, look out.

But this is why I love Dean so much… he’s a problem solver. He instantly swoops into action the minute something happens. He doesn’t plan future for shit, but he is phenomenal with the instant falling apart.

Case in point: when my ball joint popped out of the boot while driving.
My reaction went something along the lines of “oh God, I’m gonna miss work Monday. How am I gonna get home? How am I gonna pay for this? What am I gonna do? Who can drive me where? How much time off do I have left? Is it safe to drive back? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!”
His reaction was more along the lines of instantly calling the repair guy to bring his welder in Monday morning to fix it (instead of the original plan of Tuesday evening) then calling his father to see if he had an extra car to borrow, then ordering the part. All of this in the 30 minutes I was spiraling out of control in my head.

On the surface my face scrunched and I was on the verge of crying. When we went to grab some food, he told me in the restaurant “you’re not allowed to be negative right now” and just flat out would not let me spiral any further. The solution was in hand, the secondary solution was also in hand, and he kept me on the positive side of things.

So as it turns out, I met and fell in love with someone who compliments my weak points and highlights my strong points. When I think about THAT fact, I know deep down that everything is going to be fine as long as we have each other. No matter what the situation, we’ll figure it out and not be stuck. One day my spiraling may even cease to exist.

I hope.