Category Archives: Happy Happy Joy Joy

a month and a half later…

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We’ve lived together for 2 months now. In those two months a lot of shit has happened. It’s possible that I might be over my desire to “get it all over with now”. Wait, that’s a desire? No, that’s how my life is.

After the longest morning of my life, Dean’s biopsy came back just fine. The minute the surgeon left me in the waiting room, I burst into tears. I think it was out of sheer relief that something good finally happened and that we wouldn’t have to fight yet another battle. Or that I wasn’t facing the possibility of losing the greatest thing to ever happen to me. I admit it, when the word “lymphoma” was uttered, my first thought was “you can’t do this to me. I finally found this amazing man and you’re taking him away from me? Please don’t do this!” and then I got over it and realized that no matter what I’d deal with it. It was the realization that I didn’t have to face anything like that right this minute, that I could finally be happy with someone and share a life with. That’s why I cried in the waiting room. Then I called our moms, reported the good news, and breathed.

Not long after that my dad was out of rehab and moved into a group men’s home. We’ve had a few sharp conversations and there was one that shredded me to the bone. I was ready to write him off forever, but then he and my mom talked a lot and after some more time in AA and another group he likes, my dad started to come around. I haven’t entirely given up on the idea of having a father some time in my life.

We got the sperm test results in the middle of all of that too and after waiting two more weeks for my doctor to review them I discovered that I am COMPLETELY fucking fed up with gynecologists in general. Also realized that insurance sucks. Oh and his results were not optimal. My doc wouldn’t even give us clomid without another test for Dean and I didn’t feel like waiting any more for an answer. She gave us the green light to go to a fertility clinic and that was it. The end of all further conversation with yet another doctor that I felt completely disconnected from.

Dejected I went from hyper “let’s make the appointment NOW” to a break down (shocking!) to “fuck this. We don’t need the stress. Let’s just wait.” The plan now? Well I have this super important wedding of my best friend in Toronto in August that is costing a small fortune for us. Actually it’s not so bad now because Steph is amazing and is letting me bypass the hotel costs and letting me stay at her place the entire week I’m there. It was like an elephant AND a boulder came flying off my chest. We also have a vacation in September thats almost 100% paid for. And my truck is paid off in August as well. We decided that due to the financial stress of it all and fertility clinics not being known for low costs, we’d wait to even make an appointment at the clinic until September. Another boulder removed. Stress is not good for baby making anyway.

However, since I have always been a multiple blog person, I decided to start a blog a few months ago about the whole trying to get knocked up thing, but I’m taking it a bit more lighthearted there than here. If you’re interested, leave a comment with your email address so I can send you the link.

Somewhere in this mix Dean also had a sleep study and the results of that were terrifying. It’s amazing he’s alive. Suffice to say insurance covered a CPAP machine and now my beloved sleeps with a bizarre mask on his face at night. I made fun of him incessantly until he finally started laughing about it too. At least now he’s sleeping through the night and getting his energy back. Slowly.

After all of that, we had to figure out this living together thing. It required making food budgets and sharing all money then distributing said shared money and then figuring out schedules and paying each others bills and saving for things we didn’t want to save for and FUCK! We went from zero to married in 2 months flat! The kinks have been worked out, the fights have been had, the sex life has taken a hit, but all in all everything is working out. We don’t resent each other for any of it. It’s all OUR money even though I make the lion’s share and pay all the household items. When big decisions need to be made we actually TALK to each other. We make plans together about the future, where money is going, and how things are spent. See? It’s like we’re married.

As if all that were not enough, i finally went to see a doctor for a physical and holy shit, she listened to me. It turns out this lack of energy can be attributed to a lack of vitamin D so she ran blood work on that and low and behold, my levels were dangerously low. Then a few other results came back that were NOT good. My blood sugar spiked so now I’m pre-diabetic, my triglycerides went up (but my overall cholesterol score was the exact same number as it was the last 2 years), and then there was the vitamin D thing. Basically I’m falling apart. So I joined a gym. My coworker and her husband are “training” me and so far so good. I had already been changing the way Dean and I eat so that part was easy, but the working out no less than 3 times a week? Holy shit that’s hard. If I didn’t have my workout buddies, this would be near impossible. Saturday I go in for my free training session where they make up a workout based on me and my needs. So that will be interesting.

And then there’s work… well thats just a ball of stress right now. I still love my coworkers and still love my job, it’s just really stressful right now. That’s all there is to say about that.

So between work, working out, doctor visits, results, and figuring out how to live together it’s been a hell of a journey. Now let’s see how long it takes me to post again.

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so March kinda sucked…

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I’ve always been one of those people who prefers to get the bad news out of the way first and then end on a high note. When given the choice, I will ALWAYS pick the worst news first and work my way down. However, to keep this in sequential order, it’s gonna jump around a bit.

March started off with such amazing potential. My dad checked himself into rehab! I got new glasses and contacts! My sex life was awesome! I gave myself a mini makeover by deciding to grow out my bangs, dye my hair, and get my eyebrows waxed for the first time ever. I even got a fancy pants haircut at a real salon! I also got a tattoo and had awesome girlie time with Marion! YAY!!!!!!!

And then…

That tattoo? Yeah, I had my first allergic reaction to a tattoo EVER! I have 6 other tattoos and not once did I endure this kind of agony. My foot swelled up so bad I couldn’t walk on it. And then the itching. Dear Jesus the itching. It was like my worst mosquito bite reactions and I was scratching my skin off! Marion’s got infected too, but for a different reason. Such fun! I ended up at urgent care and walked away with antibiotics, prednisone, and diflucan (so could avoid a yeast infection because I swear to God, if that that happened on top of everything else, I would have thrown in the towel.)

And then…

I was put on sex restriction because Dean had his sperm test coming up. We made a deal that if he couldn’t have an orgasm for 12 days, neither could I. Why I agreed to this, I will never know. Suffice to say this made me a cranky bitch.

And then…

Ever since we got back from the beach in September, Dean has been getting coughs and colds a lot. (Interestingly enough, we took mom’s dogs with us and the one dog got violently sick with a lung infection and died a month later. I also got horrendously sick there and now Dean? We are never going back to that house.) For someone who isn’t sick often, once a month is a lot. A few weeks ago he went to the doctor, got on antibiotics, took a bunch of meds, felt better, overexerted himself moving his stuff in while I was at work (brilliant!!!) and then got worse. He went back for a follow up and the doctor sent him for a chest X-ray. The results of that came quickly and they saw enlarged lymph nodes in his throat area so the doctor sent him for a chest CAT scan. That scan revealed enlarged/swollen lymph nodes throughout his entire chest. The doctor told him it was one of two things: Sarcoidisis or Lymphoma and he needed to see a pulmonologist. What they did not say was that this could also be viral so about 30 seconds after I got off the phone with Dean, I burst into tears and called my mommy. I spent the entire weekend keeping Dean afloat and refusing to let him sink into depression. There was nothing to get upset about yet – we didn’t have a diagnosis. Between us and our two moms and lots of phone calls, we all held it together.

And then…

My mom had asked me to contact Chet about a website he’d built for her business and needing something changed. I couldn’t figure it out so I emailed him. He didn’t reply for about a week and then there it was, the reply. It was actually a very pleasant exchange of emails and after a week went by, everything was fixed. I actually felt like I had the final bit of closure I needed to stop seeing him as a bad guy. Yeah, we had our problems and no, it wasn’t a good relationship for me, but the experience of it set me up for the amazing relationship I have now. I will always love Chet on some level, but I’m glad we ended things when we did.

And then…

We met with the pulmonologist and had our fears eased. That doctor said and I quote “I would bet money this is not cancer” and it was like I could breathe again. Okay so it’s probably sarcoidosis but you know what? That’s treatable, can go away on its own, and if it is that, he’s had it for years. It was pure chance they even found it and they only did because the physician was ruling out pneumonia! I can deal with this! But then he tells us about the biopsy that still needs to be done on the lymph nodes and after looking at charts and diagrams, I now understand how complicated it is to take a biopsy of a lymph node in your chest. He will have to be asleep for this and under anesthesia and then they’ll use a sonogram on the surface to find the right nodes to biopsy. I’ll be taking that day off from work because yes, it’s probably sarcoidisis, but on the off chance it is lymphoma? Fuck you, I’m not leaving the love of my life alone to deal with this. Except no “fuck you” is needed because my boss is amazing and told me “just tell me when”.

And then…

I had my monthly owner bill at work the same week as the pulmonologist appointment AND we were moving on site from one trailer to a new trailer in a new spot on the same property. You have any idea what all goes into a move like that? Let me tell you in one phrase: complete and utter fucking chaos.

And then…

We started fighting. The stress of it all started hitting us and we fought about 13 times that week. Small nothing arguments that were really just mutual outbursts.

And then…

I had lunch with both of our moms. I wanted them to meet each other and secure our future. I knew they’d hit it off and the lunch was a huge success. We had a blast!

And then…

Somewhere in February Dean decided he’d be moving in for good at the end of March and then POOF! He was just there all the time and suddenly this was daily and suddenly I was out of money because I kept having to buy groceries because we weren’t planning anything and FUCK! I have to make breakfast? And lunch? AND dinner? And clean everything? And balance everything else going on in my life? Are you fucking kidding me? Shit motherfucker fuck shit.

And then…

Meanwhile through all of this, my dad is going through the stages of rehab and as he continues to progress, he starts to understand what a fucking bastard he’s been and there are many phone calls. Plus, he’s using my address as his for now since he doesn’t have one and I’m constantly involved.

And then…

I was walking my dog one night and Will/Stone was driving by at the exact moment so he decided to stop by. I didn’t see him until I was walking back up the steps to my apartment and he was too and it was this “WOAH! WTF?” moment. I took Nola inside and grabbed a poop bag (hello, forgot one!) to walk back out and clean up after her and had him come with me. We had a very brief exchange that summed everything up for the last year and then I lied and told him I was married. Not entirely sure why I did either. Holy fuck, my mind was blown and I was spinning. The one that got away came back again and while I felt a flutter of the old, I had zero desire to remove my clothes and look at that, more closure! We gave each other a hug goodbye and I took off for Maryland because the next morning were more tests for Dean and I needed to be with him so it was easier to spend the night at his mom’s house. I was going to wait to tell Dean because of the tests the next day and I didn’t want them affected, but I knew that was worse. I said “If I had something to tell you that I know you wouldn’t be happy about, would you rather hear it now or after your tests tomorrow?” He said he’d be furious if I’d waited so I told him about Chet and Will and waited for the backlash. No backlash! I mean I know nothing happened, but I was bracing for impact anyway. Dean was happy I told him, glad things were resolved with the menfolk, and then we moved on. *whew*

And then…

Among the other tests that morning, Dean had his sperm test and it was awkward initially but then I said “come the fuck on! We’ve done far kinkier shit than this!” and then I took my shirt off and we finished the test. No results for another week, but hey, it’s over with and now we can have sex again!!! YAY!

And then…

Instead of having sex or being intimate, we started doing too many things and then I was 14 days without an orgasm and he wasn’t so I was evil. We had a big fight and he left and I didn’t think he was coming back and I didn’t care. That’s how utterly fucking drained I was and how pissed off I was at his ungratefulness for everything I’d done the last few weeks. That didn’t last long though and when he came home I had a total meltdown and finally told “I cannot do everything! This is a partnership and yet I’m doing everything. I can’t deal with the owner bill and the move at work and hold you up during this cancer scare and deal with my dad constantly and still keep a happy face while going to lunch with our moms to secure our future and still take my meds that make me feel like shit every fucking day and support my brothers who can’t deal with the dad stuff AND still come home and cook and clean. I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE! It’s your turn to hold me up because if you can’t then we have no future. We have to hold each other up.” Poof! Problem solved.

And then…

Make up sex! FINALLY! Thank God for make up sex.

And then…

My dad being in rehab is quite possibly the best thing that’s ever happened to him and us. I’ve had the first real honest to God back and forth exchanges of dialog in over 5 years. It was always dad dad dad whenever he called me to the point I started ignoring his calls. He was totally unreliable too and he’d constantly tell me we’d meet up for dinner and then blow me off. Now it’s the opposite. Now I can rely on him. I won’t lie, it’s weird. (Then again, it’s hard for me to adjust to what most people call normal things… like having healthy relationship with Dean, being supported by a man, having a dialog with my father, HAVING a father again.) He’s found a group home for men to move into next week when the live-in program is over and he “graduates”. He also fired his lawyer and found one hell of a shark to replace him so I have more faith than I did before that the bullshit charges will be sorted out from the legit charges and he’ll get the correct punishment, not the wrong one. I’m leaving it at that.

And then…

The surgeon who is doing the biopsy on Deans lymph nodes? Hahaha yeah. They won’t even SCHEDULE the biopsy until we send them a CD of the Chest CAT Scan. Really? You can’t just use the films we already gave the pulmonologist who will be involved in the biopsy? You have to have a CD? REALLY? Yup, really. So Dean’s mom swung into action, picked up the CD, overnighted it to the surgeons office, I called the office to give her a heads up… and nothing happened.

Now…

Now it’s April. We have wait for the sperm results, wait for the doctors to get their shit together and schedule this fucking biopsy, wait for biopsy results, wait to find out what my doctor will say based on the sperm results, wait to find out the future of our baby making ability, and wait wait wait some more!

cohabitating

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Well that’s pretty much it… we’re a few days away from living together. One more round of packing and schlepping and he’ll be fully moved in and then thats it. The official end to my single life as I know it… and I can’t wait. I’m nervous as hell and I can’t wait.

So far it’s been an easy transition. He doesn’t have much in the way of furniture and because I want all of it to match, we had to buy a dresser. We’re not taking on his bed and we’re not turning the second bedroom into a nursery. I converted that room (after a LOT of work) into an office area and after Dean moved his desk and computer in, I realized my layout wouldn’t work anymore so there will be more work to do, but it’s worth it to have a space for him to game and me to be crafty. Some how despite getting rid of things, I have more storage.

Then came the budget and debt talk. I was dreading this talk and was terrified he’d be furious about my debt. I was scared we wouldn’t agree. I was scared he’d say that I needed to take care of my own shit. I have (what feels like) a lot of credit card debt from living alone for 5 years. Dean doesn’t have shit for that kind of debt but has a foreclosed mortgage so I thought maybe we’d come into this pretty even.

After a long talk, spreadsheets done and re-done, and figuring everything out, I breathed a sigh of relief. We really are in this together and really are becoming one unit (but not in a gross way) and thinking together on everything. A united front against everything, not two separate lives fighting the same war. Ultimately we decided that we would combine our income and pay off my debt because with his credit history, I’ll have to be the one to apply for a home loan alone so my credit better be immaculate. But we are also thinking of a future and despite the surplus of cash we’ll have by combining incomes and lives, we’ve decided to put half of that surplus towards paying down half the debt rather than all of it and decided to put the other half of the surplus towards savings. That savings will either go to fertility treatments (I hope not), a house, or a wedding. Or if the cost of living remains the same here, it may go towards keeping us afloat when Dean becomes a stay at home dad because Jesus H, daycare is ridiculous here! Either way, we’re figuring this out and making this work and there’s no fighting over it. It’s all grown up talking.

The biggest part of all of this is making two opposites work it out. I’m compulsive and cannot rest if things are unfinished. He could leave something undone for a year and not care. I cannot go to Ikea and come home with things in boxes. I HAVE to put things together and organize and I wear myself out. He thinks the shopping trip alone is exhausting and doesn’t want to do shit at the end of the day. Same with this budget thing… I would sit there and tweak, re-tweak, and tweak some more at the spread sheet even though decisions were made because I need to have that plan quite literally laid out in front of me. After an impromptu “couples therapy” session with my parents, we made some changes and now he says things like “okay you have ten more minutes to finish that spreadsheet and then you have to put it down. Promise me you’ll do that.” and the shocking thing isn’t that he demands this of me, but that I actually obey.

The other shocking thing is that all I have to do with him is ask him to take care of something and he does AND he responds well to lists. Like super well. He told me outright he just doesn’t see clutter or dust or a sink of dirty dishes and if I want them done, I have to ask. I don’t want to be a nag, but he said thats fine. Sure as shit, if I just say “I need you to do the dishes before I get home so I can cook” POOF! They’re done! If I ask him what he’s doing on his day off, he accomplishes nothing, but if I give him a list and put it in order of convenience, damn does he knock it out! And not only that, but he stays motivated and keeps doing stuff. Its kind of awesome and while I’m still afraid it could backfire into resentment one day, I think we might have found our groove to make things work.

Now he just needs to finish moving in! Only 13 more days and he will though. Hard to believe I’ve come to this point after all the bullshit I lived through prior. There was really a point where I thought I’d never get here and now I can’t even remember how it was before this.

the gift of love

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I was panicked and worried that my complete and utter lack of money this year would lead to judgement and arguments from family members. Then I realized that we’re trying to get pregnant, pull our separate lives together into one life, and figure out what order baby/marriage/living together will go in. Money I would have spent on chintzy gifts will instead go to ovulation kits, pregnancy tests, medication copays, and saving for baby furniture.

I decided mom and Dean are going to get gifts and the family is getting baked goods. That’s what I can afford and that’s something everyone loves. It also takes time and effort because you can’t bake without love.

Then I found out the majority of my family is in the same boat I’m in and no one is expecting anything. We’re just going to have dinner, share a few things, and celebrate the holiday.

Isn’t that what it’s supposed to be about anyway? Aren’t you supposed to embrace the love, be happy about your good health and roof over your head, and be a family on the holidays? It’s not about material items, it’s about being together.

This year I have an amazing man who loves me more than words can explain and I love him just as much. That’s all I need.

I’ll do it my way

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The happier I am the harder it is for me to blog. I make it a point not to write when I’m in the middle of an emotional moment too because by the time I write it all out, I feel better, change my mind, and move on. Plus, this is only MY side of things, not his too.

It’s not like things aren’t going on. It’s not like I don’t have a ton of shit to say. On the contrary. I have a lot going on and a lot to say. I just suck at writing it out. So fuck it, let’s try bullet formatting without the bullets. That usually works for me.

Fighting – we fight a lot. At least, I call it a “lot”. I think by most people’s standards, it’s pretty low, but by my standards anything is a lot. They’re becoming far more efficient, move faster, and I’m figuring out how to make my point faster and also learning which ones are even worth entertaining. Taking a page out of grandma’s book and her advice of “pick your battles” has never rung truer. The more I learn, the less I get hurt and the easier it is to get through them. I think we’re getting over the fighting early on and later on in our relationship we won’t fight nearly as much. This is the theory I’m going with because it’s been the exact opposite in past relationships and look how those turned out. Maybe I’m on to something.

Couples – Suddenly I’m with a guy who has a lot of married or coupled off friends. Now we’re hanging out with his coupled friends and my coupled friends. I never had this with other boyfriends. Then again, my other boyfriends never really had much in the way of a social network. What I particularly enjoy is the fact that Dean is incredible affectionate and doesn’t hide this in front of his friends. If anything, he seems to compete with his male friends for who can be cuter with their female. It’s kinda fun. That, and Dean has really great friends. I get along with all the women his friends are dating or are married to and his friends are really good guys. Even the one catty chick I can get along with… booze helps.

Moving – We’ve moved up from arguing about moving in together to talking about it like it’s going to happen. It turns out I just needed to back off. So I did. As soon as I did, he opened up more. Now I get frequent questions about scenarios he imagines and how I’d react. Apparently I’m answering correctly because he gets more and more positive about moving and now we’ve established that he will move in after the new year. We’ve also been discussing furniture and who’s stuff is going where. So far so good. We may not have an exact date in mind, but we’ve got a goal now and I’m happy about it.

Baby Pause – I’ve put us on a babymaking pause. Why the pause? Because I have two very important things coming up next summer and I can’t fuck them up. My best friend Steph is getting married and I’m her Maid of Honor. Did I mention she lives in Toronto? I also have my annual beach vacation with my parents that I NEED every year. I don’t care if I’m a beached whale on the sand or a blimp bridesmaid. I just can’t be on the verge of popping out a kid. I figure if we can hold off trying till Christmas, then I’m golden. Besides, what are the odds I’d get knocked up the first time we try for real while on meds and actually give it a good hearty go? Yeah, slim to none. We’ll see. I’m still taking my meds (by the way, metformin is the devil) and still trying to drop a few pounds, but I’ve put him on *ahem* ejaculation restriction with me at certain times of the month until the end of the year. It’s not the easiest thing for him to do, but it’s temporary and he knows how important this is to me.

Metformin Sucks – Did I mention that Metformin sucks? Because it really does! After a month of being on it, I’m still not fully used to the side effects. I’ve experimented with different foods being cut out, different ones being increased, and changing the times I take the medication. Guess what? It doesn’t matter. None of it does. No matter what I do, about mid-day every day for 1 – 3 hours, I’m in digestive hell. Thank God I work in a large trailer and have quick access to a bathroom at any given moment. Seriously, it will kick you in the gut so fast that you risk explosive results if you sneeze. NOT FUN. Whatever though, if this helps me have a baby then it’s worth it.

Marriage – We’re getting closer to that too. I know we’ve only been together 6 months, but we both know this is it. I don’t think either one of us has ever been so sure of anything in our lives. We just have different wedding desires, but the more we talk about it, the more we’re both bending. My biggest issue is the money. We also discovered that I think we should pick our own rings out and get what we want. He didn’t like this idea until he found out how simple and low cost my ideal ring is. That, and my mom had me try on my grandma and great grandma’s rings and we discovered big diamonds look ridiculous on my short fingers. And while we talk about it so plainly, I still want some romance and I still want a proposal from him on his own when he’s ready. The funny thing is, I’ve always been more prepared and ready for a baby than I have for a wedding so I suppose everything is going in the course it should with us.

Work – I’ve been working harder this year than I ever have in the four years prior. Hard to believe I’ve been there five years, but I think I’ve finally found my groove. Everything is second nature to me now and when things change, I’m changing right along with it. I think it helps that I’ve got such an amazing crew to work with on this project and they’re going to carry on into the next project that just started. I think now that I’ve got my groove, know my job back and forth, and finally have a good crew, I’ll be able to handle whatever comes next. I even feel comfortable with having to move somewhere should they need me to do so.

Overall I’m happy. Like really deliriously happy the vast majority of the time. I feel good despite the digestive disruptions the medication puts me on. I’m please with the direction everything is going. I’ve calmed down about the time line and no longer stressed out about Dean making a decision because we kind of already have. I know life is going to move at the speed it’s supposed to and I’ve accepted that. Fuck tradition. I’m doing this my way.

following earl

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Over the last week, my stress levels plummeted. The monthly bill got out the door, I remembered to tell Dean about WHY things were so stressful, I knocked my to-do list out at work, and I even managed to start my vacation packing early.

Maybe it was because I knew I had a vacation coming and maybe it wasn’t, but whatever it was it made my stress drop… just in time to catch a cold! I’m fighting it off like you wouldn’t believe right now because I’m also packing for my first vacation in a year. Last year was the worst vacation I ever took. It was less than a month after the miscarriage, towards what I now know was the end of my relationship with Chet, and pretty much everything that could go wrong DID go wrong.

This year it’s already off to a better start. I am with someone who makes me feel like I am everything in the world and someone I love that loves me back. It’s his first trip and my umpteenth to the Outer Banks. Currently Hurricane Earl is also headed there. I’m not worried about it though. This morning it was a category 4 and now it’s a category 2. Where we stay is north of Hatteras and that is where it looks to hit the hardest. But at a category 2, it won’t devastate the area. Either way, it doesn’t matter. Earl is there now and will be through that area by tomorrow mid day. I don’t even leave till Saturday. I have a million things to do tonight through tomorrow and then I drop my dog off, goo see my man, spend one lovely night with him, and then we are OFF!

It’ll be our first vacation and I get to see my brother. I haven’t seen him since December. I can’t wait to see him. He’s grown up significantly in the last year and being in Asheville has been a wonderful thing to him. We’ve been emailing and randomly talking on the phone and that cocky little punk is melting away into one hell of a mature man. I can’t wait for him to meet Dean and I can’t wait to spend the week on the sand with my family and the love of my life…. so I better get my ass in gear and finish packing!

I’ll be back in a week and this time? yeah this time I’m posting pictures when I get back.

the wheels on the truck go round and round

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Oy vey. The last 2 weeks have been a blur. Let’s see if I remember any of it…

On the 4th of July before heading to a delightful picnic with my mom, one of my tires got a hole in it. Actually, this was a hole that I got on the jobsite last summer and it was plugged. The plug had finally failed almost a year later. It was at this point I began to learn how valuable it is to date a man who is the assistant manager of a tire and auto parts shop/garage. Not only did he change my tire at lightning speed, but by the next day he had me applied for a line of credit through the franchise and POOF! New tires were ordered. I knew I needed new tires to pass safety anyway so this was not a surprise cost. Thank God for that line of credit though because $700 is a lot to digest… and those aren’t even the priciest ones!

The following weekend I went to visit my grandpa for breakfast and then headed to Dean’s shop to get the tires put on my truck. I got to watch him work and meet all the boys. I made it a point to read and keep to myself so as not to distract him and I did such a great job getting lost in a magazine that I was totally oblivious to all that was going on. Putting new tires on The Beast revealed that I needed new rear struts and new front ball joints. Somehow I missed all of this and Dean ordered (and paid for) the parts while I was reading. I’m not going to publicly post details because I don’t know the consequences of that, but suffice to say, he hooked me up and saved me the trauma of having to trade in my truck for a newer one, because quite frankly if I hadn’t had the help, I would have had to do that. But now I’m several hundred dollars in debt to him. I wasn’t initially comfortable with this, but I’m getting there.

By the end of the day though, it still needed ball joints so another appointment was set for two weeks later. Why not the next week? Because we had a wedding to go to!

I went from being less comfortable with the free flow of “I love you” to being really comfortable with it. It all became apparently clear when we went to Dean’s best friend’s wedding. Actually it started the day before when I got a call of “so ummm, what should I get for a wedding gift?” Are you fucking kidding me? It’s the DAY BEFORE the wedding! After eventually establishing that there was in fact a registry, being told he wanted to bring the gift not have it shipped, and being given my budget, I some how managed to pull an entire gift set. It required calling 5 stores, putting things on hold at more than one store, and several trips, but I did it. At this point I realized just how much I love that man because I wouldn’t have done any of that if I wasn’t.

The next day was the wedding.

I love Dean, I really do, but the man has got to work on his communication with me about times, dates, plans, etc. Because what should have been a relaxing morning of getting my hair and nails done turned into a rushed, aggravating whirlwind of stress to get dressed and flee to the wedding. I forget how new this relationship is until stuff like that happens, but the beauty part is that we’re both so easy going that we bend and flex and adjust our neurosis for the greater good. Lessons were learned and new rules were established.

My mom had warned me the day before that something (positive) would happen with Dean at the wedding and to pay attention to him. I never doubt my mother. After all these years of being her child and witnessing her truly psychic ability, I pretty much take everything she says for face value. Sure as shit, she was right again. He may have been drunk, but he was a ball of love and was talking marriage. This carried through to sobriety to the point that the next day we were talking lists, locations, dates, etc. Unfuckingbelievable. Mom’s response to this (via text) “I told you that wedding would shift something in his cranium. Mazel tov, babe.”

All in all, the wedding weekend was really quite extraordinary and I managed to fall even farther in love with Dean. I suspect that as time goes on, I’ll continue to fall deeper and deeper. It’s only been a few months, but I cannot even fathom my life without him at this point.

Anyway, as I rolled back into my weekly flow (which, let’s face it, sucks since I’m not with him until the weekends) I started to come down with something. It was also billing week and my period was either late or I was experiencing neverending PMS. Either way, the combination of having hormonal insanity, throwing up like crazy, the dog being sick, being ridiculously stressed at work, having more issues with the truck, and then getting a yeast infection on top of it lead to me being quite salty and a total airhead. Yup, it lead to an argument with Dean on the phone one late night. That alone catapulted the contents of my stomach up and out again and I was miserable. He woke up and text messaged me like nothing happened. WTF? But there’s that learning curve again. We talked it out when we both got home and yet again, new rules established and lessons learned.

By Friday I couldn’t take it anymore so I went and got an over the counter yeast infection cure. Why is this relevant? Because most of my life I’ve been blessed to not experience infections below the belt. This was quite literally my first time trying the OTC remedy. I’ve gotten the pill variety from the doctor the other two times because they just happened to show yeast on a culture and “oh hey, take this as a precaution”. I figured this was easy, do it yourself, and cheaper than a copay so fuck it, I’ll just do OTC. Note to self: 1 day cure will eventually feel like fire. It will work like a charm, but it will burn like a motherfucker.

Hey look! Learning curve! I took something to knock me the fuck out and sleep so I didn’t feel it anymore. Saturday I was pretty much cured, but I had to have the final adjustment to The Beast and get the ball joints. Sitting in a warm waiting room most of the day does not bode well for the day after a yeast infection, let me tell you!

I had taken The Beast to the local shop by me earlier in the week to see if it would fail Virginia standards for anything else, but nope! It only failed for the ball joints and that was a known issue. Dean ordered, paid, they arrived and I went in. Another Saturday with my mate and getting the truck repaired only to reveal yet another problem. The ball joints didn’t fit in the control arms properly. YAY! Temporary fixes were put in place to last till Tuesday when I could get back to the shop for their extended hours day.

I couldn’t tell you how Saturday concluded if my life depended on it. At this point I was so miserable from the week before and so exhausted that you could lie to me and tell me I danced naked in a fountain in public for coins. I know we eventually ate something and eventually went to sleep.

Sunday I woke up refreshed, energized, feeling great, horny, and had a working vagina again. YAY! I will spare the details, but let’s just say Dean and I have a VERY healthy, happy, fun, and exhilarating sex life. I am a VERY happy woman. Nuff said. All was going well and we headed to a movie in my car only to get 3 blocks down the road, go over a speed hump, and KAPOW! Big boom noise and sudden shift in steering. I thought my brand new tire had ruptured but oh no! The ball joint slipped out and broke the boot. Fucking dandy. The temporary fix didn’t hold and all I could think was thank God this did not happen on the beltway! At this point though, I’m still fragile from a solid week of hell despite my great mood in the morning, and I started to fall apart.

Dean absolutely would not let me fall apart or become negative and I definitely would have been falling apart without him. How the fuck did I deal with ANYTHING before? I mean I’ve gone through hell and back and come out with my head held high, but it feels like that was a dream right now. I’m allowing myself to rely on him for comfort and support and while this is awesome, it also unnerves me. I don’t want to lose myself, you know? Meh. Blog entry for another time.

We went to the movie and missed the storm of a century. Apparently while we were getting our minds altered by Inception (it was good, not amazing though) this massive storm ripped through the region and destroyed a lot. We were totally oblivious to the entire event until we got home to a house with no power.

Well it’s summer, it’s been above average heat since June and utterly miserable, and there isn’t much to do on a Sunday evening since everything either closes early or was without power. We decided the perfect solution to this was to take my truck to the shop (it was cautiously drive-able) since the roads were pretty empty and then come back and play cards. Dean decided to teach me how to play gin while we were in our underwear in the middle of the dark living room dimly lit by candlelight.

He was perfectly content being entertained by cards, talking, and just being together. That right there is why I love him. Being there with nothing to do brought out some conversational topics neither of us loved, but needed to express. I have fears and so does he, but there’s also a lot of love and much of that was also expressed. If anything, the past two weeks have shown me just how utterly blessed to have found this amazing man. I could not have asked for a more perfect man for me. I’ve been given a gift and I am going to do what it takes to hold onto this gift. I’d like to think he feels the same way because he does show it and he actually emotes. It’s refreshing to say the least.

I can honestly say that I’m looking forward to learning, evolving, and growing old with him and that is a truly wonderful feeling. Especially if there are more candlelight underwear card games in the future!

three little words

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I don’t know how this started, but this is where it picks up.

D: that’s because you love me
T: probably
D: well let me know when you’re sure
T: okay
(pause)
T: okay I’m sure
(another pause)
D: sure about?
(a third and even longer pause)
T: sure that I love you. Feel free to run for the hills now screaming and vanish on me.
D: why would I do that?
T: gee, I wonder.

6ish hours later while driving back to his place

D: what was that thing you said earlier?
T: something I’m not repeating right now
D: why’s that?
T: because you’ve been doing your boundary testing thing. You’re a mental ninja right now.
D: *laughs* mental ninja?
T: yes. I’ve been katana-ed. SLICE!

1 hour later while prepping dessert and cooking dinner

D: whats wrong with you?
T: I feel like I was a little pressured, but I still meant it. But now you’re all mental ninja on me and I want to punch you in the nose.
D: pressured how?
(repeat above earlier conversation)
D: is it because you want me to say it back?
(pause)
T: no. yes. only if you mean it. yes.
T: okay shut up already
D: you can take it back if you want
T: no I can’t
D: yes you can
T: no, I really cant
D: why not?
T: because I can’t lie and you KNOW I can’t lie! So no taking back. The end. Move along.

30 minutes later

Standing up and hugging, he gave me a kiss on the ear and then whispered “I love you” in my ear. All I could do was smile and simultaneously feel like my head would explode. Later we had this mushy little conversation before bed about how we’ve waited so long for each other and then he squeezed me tight and said it again. If I wasn’t sure he meant it the first time, I was positive that second time and suddenly nothing else in the world seemed to matter.

stamp of approval

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Last week my dearest wife, Steph, flew into town from Toronto with her fiancé Mike. I actually took time off from work as well and played tour guide/host for a few days to save them some money and to maximize my time with my friend. We met online about 6 (or 7?) years ago and then in person 5 years ago when I flew to Toronto and stayed with her. The last time we saw each other though was 3 years ago for my birthday.

This woman is my parallel and is the original wife. I have a select few women in my life to begin with and each one has a very crucial role to play so I value each friendship to the Nth degree. To say that we were bursting at the seams in anticipation of finally meeting up again is a gross understatement.

We had been planning this for months – prior to me even meeting Dean. I was excited about meeting the man who’d stolen my wife away from me and made her so blissfully happy, but then things turned with Dean and suddenly I was dying for her approval of him. Being the awesome guy that he is, he totally agreed to take his day off and spend it schlepping downtown in DC with 2 strangers from another country and his girlfriend knowing he’d be scrutinized the entire time. I think Mike had it even harder though because he was staying in my home and he had to contend with my 3 furballs as well as meet strangers in a strange land. (Okay not really strange land – he’s very familiar with the States.)

So anyway, time was spent with Mike & Steph and Dean & Tovah and it was absolutely great. Watching Mike and Steph together made my heart sing. They are so utterly in love and so absolutely perfect for each other that it reminded me that true love does exist. I could not approve of their pairing any more than I already do. It was natural and sweet and easy.

The next day Dean went to work and the out of towners and I went over to my mom’s for an engagement lunch (they got officially engaged a few days prior to their arrival) and Steph and Mike weighed in on my pairing in front of the mother person. High praise was given and approval was shared. Apparently Dean and I are very natural together and “you wouldn’t know from looking at them they’d only been dating a few months.” Translation: The two pairings were mutually APPROVED!

I had only a few precious days with my friends before sending them back home. I cried about 3 seconds after I got back behind the wheel and dropped them off. I called Dean who comforted me, but I didn’t have much time to mourn the absence of my friend because woosh! Three day weekend with my man magically occurred wherein I had to meet his friends and then dun dun dun he had to meet my parents! Oh my!

Friday all was well… and then we had our first argument. Why is that first disagreement the absolute hardest one to deal with? I will never know, but we survived it and learned a few valuable lessons. As much as I loathe arguing, I’m glad we got that first tiff out of the way early on.

Saturday I was to meet the friends and quickly realized this translated to “get the approval of the women” because instead of four couples watching the UFC fight, the men went off to be manly and watch sports while the hens clucked in the hen house… while drinking. Heavily. It’s widely known that I do not do well with women and prefer the company of men and sports to the hen house. Alas, I was in no position to argue and I figured alcohol would help any situation so I just went in full tilt and let them see the real me. Turns out I had nothing to worry about and ended up having a fucking GREAT time with the girls! I learned all sorts of juicy little tidbits and felt right at home with them. I got the seal of approval from his friends.

At this point, we’re two for two on meeting of the friends and being approved of, but the biggest test is yet to come – meeting my mom.

Sunday was the 4th of July and the initial plan was to have Dean meet my parents in a relaxed environment. We usually go to this local farm that opens up it’s doors to the local yuppies for a huge fireworks display. You can bring your own food, drink, (yes, alcohol is okay), games, seating, etc. and it’s free. They ask for donations at the gate and we always give a few bucks because it’s totally worth it. It’s completely laid back and chilled out. Well plans changed when not only did my stepdad get sick, but I ended up with a flat tire! I was visibly disappointed, mom got frustrated with me, and we beefed briefly and I gave up. Super mega turbo great boyfriend leaped into action though and before I could even get my clothes on (I tend to take a shower when I get frustrated) he was out the door and already in action. By the time I got to the car, he had all but two lug nuts back on the spare tire, which I found out was a full size tire, not a donut so my worry was for nothing. Amazing!

So once order was restored, we headed off to pickup mom with her cooler full of food and her bag of games, and then headed off to our destination. We had 2 hours to kill before fireworks so we socialized and had fun. Mom brought out magnetic darts, bubbles, the camera, and food and we had an absolute blast! Dean was as affectionate in front of me as he is with anyone and didn’t put on a front at all. He was 100% him and I was 100% me. I got the “awwww” look from mom about a dozen times. Then she brought up the beach trip we’re all going on in two months and when she started telling him what we’ll all be doing, I knew instantly she had approved. Three for three, bitches!

Then the real test and final approval moment was at hand.

When it was time for the fireworks to begin, mom set up her tripod and camera at her chair while Dean and I laid out on our sides on the blanket and he kinda half spooned me, half wrapped his arms around me just we do when we’re lying in bed. This allowed for optimum comfort and view of the fireworks exploding right over us, but also allowed for romance. Let me tell you, the romance was so thick in the air you couldn’t even hack through it with a machete. I was completely and totally head over heals prior to that moment, but I looked back at his face at one point and he looked back at me and gave me a kiss. Right then and there I fell in love.

Now I just need to figure out how to tell him that.

turbo great

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So it turns out I cant write for shit lately. This seems to only happen when I’m deliriously happy. When I’m angry, bitchy, sad, depressed, or any other emotion I can pour out entry after entry. But when I’m happy? Its like my brain gets constipated. I can’t make the words come out of my head, through my fingers, and onto the screen. I’ve got half a dozen posts started right now, but can only get so far before I abandon them.

Basically the last few weeks have consisted of being courted by this really incredible guy who has shown me how great a relationship can be. If you were grading me on a scale of progression in men, I’d say I’ve gone from F- with Ryan to C with Chet to A++ with Dean. Naturally at the time, I felt that things were great as they were with Ryan – he was my first everything from first kiss to first black eye. Chet was the biggest learning lesson of my life and made me even stronger than I ever thought I could be. The problem is, I didn’t know how much more I could have in my life.

You dont know what you’ve been missing until you’re suddenly inundated with an abundance of greatness. Then you can’t help but look back at the past and see all the flaws. You don’t see all the bullshit you tolerated until you suddenly don’t have to deal with it and you no longer have to walk on eggshells.

Recently Dean and I have had a few conversations that lead to great outcomes. One of them lead to public declaration of our relationship (isn’t it ridiculous that it’s not official until it’s Facebook official?) and another one lead to him calming me down to such a degree that I actually cried. Why? Because I haven’t ever have a guy who gave enough of a shit to ask me how I am and not only that, but also to provide a solution to my woes AND make me feel better.

So really, Dean is this mega super turbo great guy who has me feeling stupid and giggly and nervous and excited and wonderful all at once. I look forward to each text message. I can’t wait for our brief evening chat on his ride home from work. I hate the distance some days. I miss him when he’s gone. It’s just… great.

Plus, the sex has been really fucking great and I’ve had entirely too much sweaty naked fun with that man. He’s doing his best at trying to break in my severely underused body, but thats another entry entirely that I’ve actually started to write already that I think might actually get finished soon.

And thats it really… I’m enjoying falling for a great guy and I’m really happy. 🙂