Monthly Archives: October 2013

3 months later…


The chaos of the previous post never quite died down until the last week or so.

At my baby brother’s wedding, I broke my toe. I’ve never broken a bone in my life (knock on wood) and then WHAM! 30 seconds after I meet my new sister to be, I step into a pedicure tub and slam the sweet blue fuck out of my toe. I didn’t even realize I’d broken it till the next morning when I had a bruise spreading all the way down my foot and a pretty raspberry-purple colored toe. We’d just completed the first IUI so I couldn’t take anything but Tylenol. Guess what? Tylenol sucks. I have no idea why the broken toe thing is relevant to anything other than the fact that it is cemented into my head that it happened the minute I met my new sister. Go figure.

The wedding was definitely on a budget but it was really lovely and I can tell my brother loves that girl to the core of his being. It was a strange weekend full of mixed feelings though. I had the IUI on my mind, work was stressing me out and I couldn’t let it go, and my dad and brother were sharing a hotel room and rental car and things were just weird there with them. But I got some time alone with my dad that I really needed and there were a lot of inside jokes with us that reminded me of the good moments in my childhood so that was nice. Downside? The night before the wedding our grandma died. We knew it was coming but the timing was so odd that I could barely digest it, and suddenly I’m at the wedding reception talking to my aunt and uncle about funeral dates. Talk about surreal.

Having just spent the last few weeks in total chaos at work with the audit and the move and then a drive up to Michigan (from Virginia – 9 hours!), it was a welcome moment to be able to drive back up north to Ohio for a trip to the farm. I never quite realize just how much it feels like home until I go back there and I absorb the quiet. It happened to be a breathtakingly beautiful weather weekend as well so it just compounded how much I missed my family. Saying goodbye to grandma was harder than I thought it would be. I’d just found out my first IUI had failed and the emotions of that mixed with the emotions of my immediate family sitting in a huge circle in the yard telling grandma stories just hit me like a wave of pain. At one point I had to go find a corner to hide in and cry my eyes out for a few minutes. I pulled it back together though and in the end, as we were lighting and releasing paper lanterns into the air, I thought “this is how it’s supposed to be”.

When we came back home, the next IUI started just before we left for our trip to the beach… and ultimately failed towards the end of the trip when I got my period a day earlier than we would have tested. (I’m not going to detail all of that stuff here. I have a separate blog for all of it so please feel free to jump over there if you want more info.) Suffice to say, that hit me hard, but then we leaped right into the third IUI. I thought the second one was hard to deal with but I was wrong. The third one sent me into a depressive spiral that took a few days to get out of.

Since the third failure, which was only 3 weeks ago, we went back to the clinic for a consultation and it was decided that IVF was the next course of action. (Still wrapping my head around that one.) I have a plan of how to lose weight so IVF can start and I’ve been to my physician as well as renewed my gym membership. In a couple months we’ll start the next baby journey. In the meantime, I have to get my body ready for the hell of IVF. And I have to get through the holidays. *shudder*

We also had a visit with our lawyer over Dean’s accident and received settlement offers. Miracle of miracles, this is NOT going to court – something I’ve waited a YEAR to hear. As soon as the settlements are finalized and a check is in hand, I can FINALLY write about this damn accident and how fucked up the entire thing has been. I know I’ve written bits and pieces here and maybe I’ve written most of it out at this point, but fuck it. It’s all going to be in one entry in chronological order and then I can be DONE with it.

And last but not least, after 20 years together, my mom and stepdad are officially divorcing. I’m still not sure what to say about that whole thing other than it DEFINITELY needs to happen and it’s fucking sad as hell. Mayhaps I should just end it there because I really do not know what to say about it – just that it’s happening.