not an option anymore

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I’m having one of those moments where I want to selfishly run away and never look back. I’d take my pets with me though because I love them more than any other being some days. Also, fuck humans.

I have these moments more often than I’d ever care to admit. I like being alone and always have. Don’t get me wrong, I had moments of physical pain from the loneliness of not sharing my life with anyone, but I also had long intervals of sheer happiness in being alone.

It goes against everything I feel and believe in, but solitude was always my friend. There are so many days that I miss having my own spot on the earth away from everyone and everything. So many days I miss answering to no one and being my own partner. Days I miss my freedom.

Moments like this make me question if I should ever have a child. You cant feel the desire to escape AND want to be a mother simultaneously. I vacillate between thinking that this is the reason I have fertility troubles and no, I feel this way because of the fertility issues. In essence, I’m currently beating the fuck out of myself.

This always happens when one or more of the following factors happens: a parent falls apart, sibling falls apart, spouse falls apart, work is killing me, or a combination of any or several of those factors. Right now it’s a combination of all of them and I desperately want to run away. Too bad though. I can’t ever be a loner again – it’s no longer a choice for me – and that upsets me.

I can’t ever be alone again because I have an equally strong will and need to help my loved ones. (Actually, I think that need is much stronger than the desire to be alone.) I can’t walk away from mom/dad/brother/husband/extremely close friend because they are part of me. I can cut a stranger, acquaintance, or not close friend off with a snap of a thought. BOOM! You’re dead to me. You no longer exist. I can’t do that with these other people.

Instead I put my needs aside and leap into action. If I don’t help them, who will? My dad isn’t married anymore and I’m the only constant woman in his life. I’m always the one to pick up the pieces. My mom is in a shitty marriage that she can’t quite end and her spouse is an ass anymore leaving me as the only one she is so close to. My brother recently told me that I’m the one he views as mother figure and that I am the highest person in his life – the one he’d die for. (No pressure!) My spouse has no other true friends since marrying me. I changed his view on what friendship and love really means and not long after meeting me, his friendships fell apart because he thought they were too superficial and served him no purpose. He told me I’m his only true friend.

Somehow I’ve become THE ONE PERSON to all of these people. I never asked for this. I don’t want that level of responsibility for their lives. But then one of them (or all of them) needs me and that’s it. This switch in me flips on and I’m selfless. I turn into this person who would do anything for them. I have to help them. I have to be there, without a thought for my own needs, until they are better. I can never turn my back on them. Ever.

I never asked for it but I never said no either. To me there was never a choice. When someone you love is broken you help them heal. You do what it takes to mend the wounds and fix the broken bones. It’s as simple as that.

I may want to run away right now because it’s incredibly difficult to balance the needs of all of them right now and I’m losing parts of myself in the process, but I will never leave. I chose to accept my role in their lives.

I just wish it wasn’t so fucking hard.

I wish I could spend the next week and a half devoted to everything baby as we head to the clinic. I wish my husband could see how fragile I am inside and stop snapping at me for stupid shit. Can’t he see that I’m the one about to break? That I’m the one who needs mending? Can’t anyone ask me how I’m doing with this whole baby thing? Does it ever get to be MY turn to be taken care of? Can’t I just focus on my incredibly busy job right now?

Apparently not. Apparently I’m meant to endure everyone else’s shit while preparing myself for hormones and daily body inspections which is really preparing me to grow a human being. Mothers don’t get to stop. They have to be the strong ones because no one else can handle it. This is all one grand preparation plan for motherhood. Then again, maybe taking care of my loved ones is also motherhood preparation. Maybe my whole life has just been one big grooming tool for my future kids so maybe I won’t fuck them up.

I should focus on that, but I just cant right now. At the moment I just want to run away and never look back. Right now I just want to be alone. I want the one thing I can’t have anymore.

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