Monthly Archives: May 2013

not an option anymore

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I’m having one of those moments where I want to selfishly run away and never look back. I’d take my pets with me though because I love them more than any other being some days. Also, fuck humans.

I have these moments more often than I’d ever care to admit. I like being alone and always have. Don’t get me wrong, I had moments of physical pain from the loneliness of not sharing my life with anyone, but I also had long intervals of sheer happiness in being alone.

It goes against everything I feel and believe in, but solitude was always my friend. There are so many days that I miss having my own spot on the earth away from everyone and everything. So many days I miss answering to no one and being my own partner. Days I miss my freedom.

Moments like this make me question if I should ever have a child. You cant feel the desire to escape AND want to be a mother simultaneously. I vacillate between thinking that this is the reason I have fertility troubles and no, I feel this way because of the fertility issues. In essence, I’m currently beating the fuck out of myself.

This always happens when one or more of the following factors happens: a parent falls apart, sibling falls apart, spouse falls apart, work is killing me, or a combination of any or several of those factors. Right now it’s a combination of all of them and I desperately want to run away. Too bad though. I can’t ever be a loner again – it’s no longer a choice for me – and that upsets me.

I can’t ever be alone again because I have an equally strong will and need to help my loved ones. (Actually, I think that need is much stronger than the desire to be alone.) I can’t walk away from mom/dad/brother/husband/extremely close friend because they are part of me. I can cut a stranger, acquaintance, or not close friend off with a snap of a thought. BOOM! You’re dead to me. You no longer exist. I can’t do that with these other people.

Instead I put my needs aside and leap into action. If I don’t help them, who will? My dad isn’t married anymore and I’m the only constant woman in his life. I’m always the one to pick up the pieces. My mom is in a shitty marriage that she can’t quite end and her spouse is an ass anymore leaving me as the only one she is so close to. My brother recently told me that I’m the one he views as mother figure and that I am the highest person in his life – the one he’d die for. (No pressure!) My spouse has no other true friends since marrying me. I changed his view on what friendship and love really means and not long after meeting me, his friendships fell apart because he thought they were too superficial and served him no purpose. He told me I’m his only true friend.

Somehow I’ve become THE ONE PERSON to all of these people. I never asked for this. I don’t want that level of responsibility for their lives. But then one of them (or all of them) needs me and that’s it. This switch in me flips on and I’m selfless. I turn into this person who would do anything for them. I have to help them. I have to be there, without a thought for my own needs, until they are better. I can never turn my back on them. Ever.

I never asked for it but I never said no either. To me there was never a choice. When someone you love is broken you help them heal. You do what it takes to mend the wounds and fix the broken bones. It’s as simple as that.

I may want to run away right now because it’s incredibly difficult to balance the needs of all of them right now and I’m losing parts of myself in the process, but I will never leave. I chose to accept my role in their lives.

I just wish it wasn’t so fucking hard.

I wish I could spend the next week and a half devoted to everything baby as we head to the clinic. I wish my husband could see how fragile I am inside and stop snapping at me for stupid shit. Can’t he see that I’m the one about to break? That I’m the one who needs mending? Can’t anyone ask me how I’m doing with this whole baby thing? Does it ever get to be MY turn to be taken care of? Can’t I just focus on my incredibly busy job right now?

Apparently not. Apparently I’m meant to endure everyone else’s shit while preparing myself for hormones and daily body inspections which is really preparing me to grow a human being. Mothers don’t get to stop. They have to be the strong ones because no one else can handle it. This is all one grand preparation plan for motherhood. Then again, maybe taking care of my loved ones is also motherhood preparation. Maybe my whole life has just been one big grooming tool for my future kids so maybe I won’t fuck them up.

I should focus on that, but I just cant right now. At the moment I just want to run away and never look back. Right now I just want to be alone. I want the one thing I can’t have anymore.

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ready to burst

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Life is moving forward at an acceptable rate. Since everything got shoved way the fuck back from the accident, my womb remains baby-free, but I will say that massive progress has been made there and money FINALLY came in so we’re just about at the starting point. It’s been more than a year since our first appointment and we’re pretty much starting all over. We go back in a few weeks to find out what else we need to do prior to officially starting. It’s kind of like a year just disappeared between appointments. POOF! In that year though, a lot happened.

– I left our last appointment with a plan and then had a horrible reaction to the birth control and ended up severely depressed. (If you have no idea what depression feels like or can’t understand it, go read part 1 and part 2 by Allie Brosh and then you might get it.) Once the connection was made, I went off birth control. I was lucky that it was purely chemical and was really just a side effect of the pills.
– Literally the day I made the decision to go off, I was informed my grandpa was very ill. Less than 2 months later he died.
– To transition from the death to the funeral (a month roughly) we all went on a vacation as a family.
– My uncle’s wife went apeshit and lost her mind and a very messy divorce began.
– The day before grandpa’s funeral service, Dean was nearly killed in a car accident.
– The funeral.
– My job got crazy and everything flipped upside down. There were a few very tense weeks that left everyone on edge.
– After the accident, despite his banged up body, Dean and I decided not to cancel our anniversary gift to ourselves and went to Comic Con in New York. Best decision we could have made because we had a hell of a great time. It helps that there was very minimal strain on his body, but you’d be surprised how much walking can wear you out when you’re that beat up.
– Things took a turn in the accident situation and our fertility money was suddenly threatened. We kind of regretted spending the money we did in New York.
– A few weeks later we went camping for our one year anniversary. We almost didn’t make it through that trip. All the stress of the previous 2 months hit us all at once and we were just about ready to give up on our marriage. An impending hurricane coming in kind of changed that though and after a long long LONG talk by the fire, we made some important decisions and promises to each other.
– Work continued to be a rough adjustment because of bullshit politics in other areas of the company, but we tried our best to make it work within our team. Suffice to say, it was a challenge.
– The threat to our fertility money came to fruition and KABOOM! It was wiped out. All gone. Bye bye.
– I got a sewing machine as an early Chanukah gift and started making gifts for everyone else. Surprisingly, I’m not terrible at it! Still learning, but I managed to make a quilt and 3 embroidered decorative pillows.
– The holidays came and went without incident. Gifts were well received.
– Surgical follow up from the accident happened and it went well (thank God) and it looked like the end of the accident stress was near.
– We were wrong. At some point I’m going to be able to let loose everything I’ve kept in my head about this accident and how utterly fucked the entire situation has been. At some point I’ll be able to detail the aggravation we’ve had to endure at the hands of someone else’s negligence and outright lies. Right now, I have to keep my mouth shut and it’s infuriating.
– My dad made a big life change and moved down south to pursue a job. I was incredibly encouraging of this at the time thinking this was great for everyone. Then he moved and this sudden hole punched its way through my heart. For the first time in my life I truly missed my dad. He went from always being around the corner or within an hour drive to FUCK! OUT OF STATE! 4 hours away!!!! I didn’t think this would require adjusting but it’s been a struggle.
– Half the work team was transferred out and a new batch of people were brought in. More work challenges.
– My brother started to get more serious with a girlfriend and started making big changes in himself. I met the girlfriend and instantly loved her. I’ve even gone out with her alone – just me and her. This is unheard of. I do NOT hang out with my brother’s girlfriends. But this one? This one I adore. I hope they can keep working on their relationship and grow even more together.
– I’ve always been on top of my health and have my annual check ins, but this year I decided it was time to not just stay on top of it but try and get ahead. Unfortunately my weight was still an issue and it’s been this epic struggle just to lose one fucking pound. Enter my new physician who was a random find that decided it was time to try a pill. Having taken myself off of everything but vitamins and feeling like a new woman, I thought, “Oh no, not another pill!!” but as it turns out this pill is made of magic. Suddenly I was able to turn down food. I wasn’t hungry every minute of every day! Suddenly my energy was back. I was wide awake during the day and not exhausted. I could function!!! Awake, alert, eating smaller portions, and feeling better all over. I hadn’t felt this way in almost 5 years – the way I felt before I stopped birth control and the PCOS took over my body. Within 3 months of starting this pill I lost 22 pounds.
– That 22 pound loss is what has catapulted us back to the fertility clinic. We have 2.5 weeks until we go back and I have that much more time to keep shedding the weight. After we get started officially though, this pill goes away. It was a short term pill to boost my progress and is only prescribed for 3-6 months though so I’m not worried.
– The next project for work was officially green lighted and I am now secure again for another 15 months.
– I told my boss about the progress with the clinic and realized in that conversation that I have an amazing boss who actually gives a shit about me and the rest of the staff here. It’s been a year of adjustment and growing pains, but we’ve really come together as a group. It’s nice to know that we all care about each other. Work is a lot easier now.

So that brings us up to this past weekend. Dean and I were gifted the end of a timeshare week from extended family and headed down to Myrtle Beach for a little break. 2 days before it I got the great news of the weight loss and the reality of baby time FINALLY starting hit us like a ton of happy bricks of joy. Our mini vacation turned into a celebration weekend. While we were there we found a hatchling turtle in the parking lot and after discovering he was not an endangered or threatened species, we decided to keep him. POOF! We’re turtle parents!