this is my life

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Dean is on the computer playing his game, the dog is curled up against my leg, and one of the cats snores on the top of the couch cushion directly behind my head while other is quite literally snoring on the other end of the couch, and I’m typing away on my laptop while channel surfing. My parents are upstairs watching a movie and we’re down here in our little world.

This is my life and it is almost perfect. The only thing missing is a tiny piece of our mortality wrapped up in a cute little baby package clinging to me, but we’re working on that. It’s going to take a lot more work to make it happen though. More work than I ever thought would be required. I never thought I’d have to fight so hard for something that should have come so easily to me. No one can prepare themselves for that. EVER.

I also never thought that being the victim in an accident could be so fucking difficult either. Its taken 5 months for us to talk about how our lives that changed that morning. It wasn’t that we didn’t care about each other’s play-by-play of the morning… it’s that we didn’t want to remember it and go through it again. We’ve found it to be a bit more healing to gradually talk about it though so we’re working on it.

The sheer volume of ups and downs with this thing have been utterly fucking overwhelming and its totally derailed our baby plans. Then we took a crippling blow this week and I think we both fell apart. At a certain point you just cannot take another hit and when we got that news, we thought it was over with the accident and that we were totally hosed. Game the fuck OVER. It really was this “oh no! NO NO NO NO NO!!!!” moment that just kicked us right in the gut. What could we do at this point? We felt like there was nothing left and it was devastating.

Maybe it was the kick we needed to put us back together because after that hit, we moved forward, made an appointment with a new clinic, and we’re not trying to do this naturally anymore. We both let the accident interfere with our dream to have a baby and that’s totally unacceptable. Totally human and normal, but totally unacceptable. After two years of trying, it’s time to admit that I can’t do it alone and just give in to paying for making a baby. And it wasn’t okay to derail this any further. If we had no hope for the accident case, we had to at least put our hopes back into a baby. The day after the devastating blow, we made a promise to each other to shove the accident aside and get back on board with Team Baby. Then, as if if that was all we needed to do, the news we got about the accident shifted and that blow was no longer crippling. (I swear one day I will write all the details of this out just for my own piece of mind.)

And maybe this is what was supposed to happen. Maybe we were meant to save that money with a baby in mind but ultimately we would need it for the accident. Maybe we thought we were ready for a child, but it wasn’t quite the time and we had to work on us a little bit more. Maybe this is how it was all truly meant to be because it has made us so much stronger than we ever were before.

There are days when my husband and I fight that I think “what the fuck have I gotten myself into?” and I want to run away from it all. But then the fight ends and I remember why I said yes when he asked me to marry him. And then I move past that and realize that I found a one in a million man who makes me feel true joy in my heart every single day. I never thought I’d have this, but now I do and I can’t even picture my life before him anymore. There are no boundaries between us and nothing is off limits. He is an amazing man and makes me shine. I could not have asked for a better man because there isn’t a better man for me on this planet. I love him with all my heart and always will.

I know that the accident will resolve at some point and it will finally end. In the mean time, we have had the chance to rebuild ourselves and continue to improve our marriage. We’ve managed to strengthen a truly loving foundation to bring our baby into and that is a small miracle in itself. Maybe that’s the real reason for the accident – to give us one more shot at making our lives a foundation of love so this baby has the best damn start in their life they could have. If that is why we were delayed on our plans then I’m glad it happened.

This is my life.

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2 responses »

  1. I always remember one or two very specific and unique things of individuals who cross my path. You know what I remember of Dean as it pertains to you? I remember him being slightly out of breath as he arrived on the day of your wedding because he had stopped to do one last thing before he showed up to offer you his vows. That thing? It was locating and stopping by a Buddhist Temple to have your rings blessed because he knew how very much it would mean to you to have that be done. 🙂

    • Thank you for remembering that and posting that comment. It was such a special day and I’m glad you were the one to capture the memories of it. I’m glad you’re in my life in some way.

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