Monthly Archives: January 2013

State of the Union – January

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There’s no way in hell I could ever be a daily blog updater. Maybe I can aim for weekly, but I think monthly is more realistic. I always feel better when I write even if it’s about absolutely nothing. I’m just going to put this all out there so when I look back over the year I’ll be able to see what has changed and what hasn’t.

Living Status: still living in the basement of my parents house with zero intention to move any time soon. The mere *thought* of moving makes my anxiety skyrocket, my stomach flip, and my brain spin. I know we need to move at some point, but damn it, I’m comfortable. Plus, there’s no fucking way I’m doing this on my own again; I’m paying professionals. Paying people means saving money and I’ve got our funds going in too many places right now.

Marital Status: 1 year and 3 months after the “I do” moment, I think we’re starting to get into a good groove. After our camping anniversary come-to-Jesus talk and resolutions, we’ve managed to keep the arguing to a minimum and then it lasts a very brief time. Neither of us have left the house in anger since November so that’s a big movement forward.

Financial Status: Rebuilding. I have nothing in savings yet, but I’ve paid off a few debts. We still have a long way to go on our credit cards since my budget plan went flying out the window, but we’ve made a few decisions and we’re finally on the same page together. I don’t care if we take out 401k money to pay shit off… I just want it paid off and so does he now. That being said, we’ve chosen to stop stressing over it all. The less I worry, the more likely money is to work in my favor. Case in point: inheritance money being freed up soon (fucking legal system!) and we’ve been told a portion is coming to us for a specific cause.

Accident Status: Still no resolution.The selfish behavior of another driver has made our lives hell and cost us a great deal of money including our fertility fund. I’m still quite angry that I dont have a safe place to discuss this, but one day I will and when I do I am not holding back.

Weight/Diet Status: I managed to avoid gaining weight over the holidays. I made the decision to only focus on maintaining, not gaining, and I succeeded. I promised myself I’d focus back on the losing portion after Dean’s surgery (last week) and literally the day after the surgery I put myself back on the regimine and it’s been very easy. Even when I wasn’t trying to lose, I still logged my intake daily.

Baby Status: The womb remains empty. I need to bite the bullet and call our clinic to find out what the fuck to do at this point. If I don’t like that, I need to call another clinic. I’m kind of angry that I’ve never heard a peep since my “help, I’m losing my mind on birth control!” phone call. Not. One. Peep. And that doesn’t put me in the mindset of wanting to stay with them, thus the other clinic option. The only positive thing on the baby front is that inheritance money I mentioned before will be freed up soon and a wee portion is being funneled directly to us for the baby and only the baby. I’m 31 and a half years old and my biological clock is deafeningly loud and rapidly shortening. Something’s gotta give.

Other: My baby brother is getting married in July! I have to figure out how get the two of us out to Michigan for that endeavor, but I’m looking forward to it none the less. I know he’s going to be a great husband and I can’t wait to meet my future SIL. I have to figure out how to juggle this and our annual beach trip and a little time off for Dean and I to just have alone time, but whatever. Like I said before, the less I worry, the more likely money is to work in my favor. All I need to do is find a hotel, plane tickets, and a rental car and we’re set. I should probably figure on planning a trip for me, Dean, my dad, and my other brother and save us all a big headache.

To be continued in February…

2012 in review

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Taking a page from Diva, I’ve decided to do a year in review in this format. I haven’t done a year in a review in a while. Hell, I haven’t even blogged in a while.

    Initial Summary:


Where were you when 2012 began?
I was in my cozy little basement apartment wondering what the fuck I’d just gotten myself into by moving in with my parents, being a newlywed, and helping my husband recover from foot surgery.

Who were you with?
My husband, the dog, and the two cats.

Was 2012 a good year for you?
No. There were shining moments mixed in here and there that helped me make it through the year, but overall it was not a good one.

What countries/states did you visit?
Florida for our honeymoon, North Carolina for our beach trip, New York for Comic Con… and all the states in between as we drove.

Did you keep your new years’ resolutions?
If memory serves, my resolution was “keep on keepin’ on” and since I’m still here, I’d have to say yes.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes.

Did anyone close to you die?
Yes.

What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Not so much specific dates as months that will remain etched:
February: death #1
May: honeymoon
August: death #2
September: car accident that nearly cost me a spouse
October: Comic Con, 1 year anniversary

    Experiences:

What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?
I went on an actual honeymoon, went to ComicCon, and made it to the one year mark of marriage.

Did you have fun in 2012?
Yes, there were some really great moments in there that I keep mentioning.

What do you wish you’d done more of?
Relaxing, walking away from drama, and excercising.

What do you wish you’d done less of?
Waiting. I wait for far too much. It’s time to be more pro-active with my life.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 31. I spent the weekend in my pajamas wallowing in a deep depression and my family, God love them, still made a cake and got me gifts.

What did you want and get?
A stronger marriage.

What did you want and not get?
A baby.

    Others:

Whose behavior merited celebration?
Dean. We had our ups, we had our downs, we fought like cats and dogs, but in the end he’s the one who stuck by me through it all. He helped me at my worst and was there at my best. We survived our first year of marriage and it’s all because I had him to support me.

Whose behavior made you appalled, depressed, or sad?
Oh my, there are so many. The top two: #1 – the other driver in Dean’s car accident and #2 – one of his petty cousins who has zero tact or class.

Did somebody treat you badly in 2012?
Several somebodys, all of which can kiss my ass at this point.

Who were some new people you met?
A few coworkers, some friends of friends, significant others of people I adore… the usual

    Favorites/Least Favorites:


What was your favorite month of 2012?
October

What was your favorite moment of the year?
Every minute of our honeymoon.

What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Two way tie:
1 – Learning I was the reason we don’t have a baby.
2 – The entire weekend of Dean’s car accident. The police phone/wake up call, the drive over there worried out of my mind, the hour wait till he was moved to ER so I could see him, seeing the mangled car, crying when I was alone. It was a horrible day. And then the next day was my grandpa’s funeral. That whole weekend was just plain awful.

What was your favorite TV program?
Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, Top Chef, Face Off.

What was the best book you read?
The Game of Thrones series.

What were your favorite films of this year?
It’s Kind of a Funny Story, 50/50, The Dark Knight Rises, Prometheus, Cabin in the Woods, Breaking Dawn, Part 2

What was your favorite new technology/application?
I finally got an iPhone!

What was your greatest musical discovery?
That I REALLY like Christmas music and I’m a total effing Jew.

What was the best thing you bought?
Tie between the tickets to ComicCon and all the swag we got there. SO.MUCH.GEEKERY!

    Self-reflection:

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Winning the depression battle.

What was your biggest failure?
My ovaries.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
-Rapid and severe depression caused by going back on birth control. Hell in a handbasket.
-A really gnarly double ear infection, double pink eye, and bronchitis all at once situation coming home from the honeymoon.

Where did most of your money go?
Aside from the normal bills and cost of living, it all went to…
Good: our honeymoon, the fertility fund.
Bad: wedding debt, the car accident that ate the entire fertility fund.

What kept you sane?
“Who” more than “What”. Dean, my mom, and some really amazing friends I owe my life to. Even my pets maed a huge difference in some particularly dark stretches.

What political issue stirred you the most?
Another tie: Same sex marriage and Women’s rights.

Who did you miss?
My grandparents.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
ComicCon. It’s ridiculous that such a short weekend created so much excitement and joy, but it really did. It was one hell of an experience that I will gladly repeat in the future.

Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? I think it’s about the same. I’m always pretty run down, melancholy, and contemplative this time of year.
ii. thinner or fatter? It’s all leveled out to the same number over the last 12 month. Gain, lose, gain, lose.
iii. richer or poorer? Definitely poorer. That car accident has just about ruined us.

Did you lose anything important this year?
Grandpa.

What was your proudest moment of 2012?
Making a conscious decision to change my life, marriage, and outlook.

What was your most embarrassing moment of 2012?
The entire bout of depression.

Gauge your:
(On a scale of: Very Good, Good, Fairly Good, Fairly Bad, Bad, Very Bad)

Relational Health – Very Good
Emotional Health – Good
Physical Health – Very Good on everything but the weight. That’d be Very Bad.
Social Health – Good for my standards
Spiritual Health – Very Good and growing stronger by the day
Intellectual Health – Good
Financial Health – Fairly Good. Despite losing everything we’d saved so hard for, we managed to (barely) pay our bills so we’re not going to collections on anything. We’re in the recovery stage at least.

    In the future:

How will you spend Christmas/Chanukah?
Already done: Going back and forth between parents and in-laws over the course of 3 days.

How will you spend New Years?
Already done: In our pajamas, eating delicious food, having a little wine, and watching a marathon of The Walking Dead. Utter perfection.

What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
A little piece of immortality: a baby

What are your plans for 2013?Have a baby (or at least be in the middle of a healthy happy pregnancy) I don’t care if I do anything else. This is my one and only goal for 2013.

Did you make any new years resolutions for 2013?
No and I don’t plan to.

    In Conclusion:

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012: Not so good lesson: that no one truly understands infertility until they go through it themself
Good lesson: While I am still the backbone, and have to do quite a bit to keep my family afloat, I recognize that I can’t do everything on my own and it’s okay to ask for help.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
From “I Will Wait” by Mumford & Sons

And I came home
Like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of darkness
Which we’ve known
Will blow away with this new sun