Monthly Archives: August 2012

improvement and loss


It’s been exactly a month since I went off birth control pill and I am back to normal. I am my old self again. I’m upset that a pill designed to help me turned me into a basket case. I’m upset that yet another option for treating my PCOS is now out the window. But on the other hand, I’m beyond relieved that I am no longer a zombie who hates herself and wants nothing more than a dark corner of the world to wallow in misery over.

Being off and being stronger is exactly what I needed because over the last month, my grandfather’s health went from okay to terrible and he is now dying. I feel grateful that I am no longer in the fog of medication induced depression because my mom needs my strength and I need my strength. Dean and I have been having problems, but with this renewed strength comes a renewed sense of problem-solving as well so the problems there will eventually have a solution. A clean slate truce was called and a plan was set forth. That’s all I’m going to say on that right now because my focus right now is on my grandpa passing away soon.

I vacillate between being sad that I’m about to lose an amazing human being in my life and being intrigued and in awe of this process being 100% in his hands. We should all be so lucky as to choose our own death and my God what an amazingly strong decision to say “I don’t want this anymore and I’ve chosen to pass on”. Can you imagine how it would feel to face your own mortality and instead of fear it, you greet death like an old friend and pass on to whatever afterlife you believe in? I can’t even fathom it right now, but I hope one day my death is like this – surrounded by those you love as you say goodbye and exit stage left.

Then it’s back to sadness because this man, my grandpa, is THE man to me. He is the man I measure all others against. He is a strong, stoic, kind-hearted man with a huge booming presence in a small body. He is an artist who will leave dozens of paintings behind for all of us to cherish. He is an amazing dentist who will leave behind 60 years worth of patients who utterly adore him. He is the father and husband that I admire and want a version of for myself. He is about to be reunited with his wife, the love of his life, and soul mate. The world is about to lose an amazing man and I’m sad he’s leaving, but honored and blessed to have had him in my life for as long as I have.

But the thing that gets me the most and hits me the hardest is that in 30 or so (God willing) years, this will be me and my mom. This will be me and my dad. My brother is a good man, but he won’t be able to handle this. We’ll be like my mom and her brother/my uncle. He’ll be there when I need it the most, but I’ll be the one taking care of both of our parents in the end and I’ll be the one making the final decisions and helping them both when it’s their turn. I’m getting my training for this now, watching my mom go through everything and helping her as only an adult child can do for their parent.

This is not an easy thing to absorb or learn, but I am grateful that there is not a lot of trauma around it like there was with grandma’s passing. There’s no pain and no clinging to life. There’s no feeling of being shortchanged of valuable years left with her because of some doctor’s carelessness and an entire hospital staff’s negligence. This time there is a caring hospital staff, doctor’s instructing us on what to expect in the final days and how to say goodbye properly, and no fight. He’s 88 years old and he’s lived a long amazing life. It’s time for him to say goodbye and he’s made his decision.

The world will be short one amazing human being in a matter of days and I’ll miss him terribly.