At the insistence of 2 good friends and my husband, I finally called the fertility clinic for help. Unless I’m asked about reactions, I forget that I have had major problems with birth control in the past. I forget that once upon a time I was forced off one because I had intense rage fits and hallucinogenic dreams. Another one made me so sick I couldn’t function. It’s been at least 4 years since I was on any and I forget how nutty I was because being off and adjusting has also been hard. So have all the subsequent medications because I’ve had a never ending series of horrible doctors that never listen. But I have a doctor now who’s entire career focuses on getting women pregnant and she understands so much more than the others have.

So I called and spoke to my appointed nurse at the clinic and she spoke to the doctor and it was decided that I go off birth control immediately and if I’m worse or not improving within 2 weeks to get on antidepressants ASAP and find a counselor. I agreed, told Dean who also agreed, and then I waited for the fall out.

5 days have passed since I went off and it’s been an almost instant shift in a positive direction. I’m still out of it, still distracted and lacking motivation, but I feel like a fog is lifting off of me. I know this could be an almost placebo type of reaction and I know this isn’t an instant fix, but to not hate myself and not want to be boarded up in my room s a significantly improved feeling. I was even in a GOOD mood for half of a day and got a glimpse of myself again. It was enough to kick start my motivation level up just a tiny notch.

The timing of this couldn’t be better because my grandfather is dying and I can’t be swallowed up in him and a wall of nearly crippling depression. It makes for a violent result when people cross me.

So we’ll see how this goes and if I need it, I’ll get the antidepressants.


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