Monthly Archives: February 2012

february part two

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  • I changed my name last week and have been a sad little grey cloud ever since. I have no idea why this is bothering me so much but it’s one of the more depressing things in the life scale to me.
  • People trust me with a ridiculous amount of financial information and I’ve never abused it or even thought of how I could possibly abuse it. Really I’m just astounded that so many trust me so implictly with such enormous information.
  • Follow up with the fertility clinic has left us with the option I’d been hoping for all along and we’re extremely close to the first cycle. It’s all pending my weight loss which is going along splendidly.
  • For the first time in almost 3 years I have finally LOST weight. I’ve spent the last 3 years either gaining 1-2 pounds a month or maintaining the at-the-time current weight. It adds up and I hit a point that scared the hell out of me. Fertility Doctor puts me on birth control and POOF! I lose weight! I finally feel like there is hope.
  • My face is finally starting to de-puff from all the medications I was on. Looking at my wedding pictures makes me so sad because if you compare my engagement pictures from only 2 months prior, my face was just chubby, not the pumpkin it became on wedding day.
  • I may hate how round my face is, but I love how happy I am in the photos. We had so much fun having those pictures taken alone, just us, with the photographer. It was the best moment and I’m glad I have photos of it.
  • Speaking of wedding re-do… the baby thing became the number one priority. I knew this would happen. I kept up the appearance of “oh no, we’ll do another wedding” for the simple fact that it kept the families happy that they’d get to see it all for themselves. No one ever put two and two together though and not many people have yet that this baby endeavor is #1 and will always be #1. Now I’ve finally gotten the point hammered in to the husband and immediate family that we’re just having a party. My aunt and uncle offered their house and when we get back from the honeymoon in May, I’ll talk to my aunt about planning and setting up.
  • Oh wait, did I say honeymoon? YES I DID! All the stress, the strain, and the financial discipline we’ve been put through the last few months coupled with my doctor pressing the importance of relaxing and keeping stress low changed our priorities. Not to mention, my grandpa gave us a hell of a gift that we still needed to use. It was decided that the wedding was no longer important, but a honeymoon while we’re still just the two of us WAS important.
  • Within 3 days of our decision to accept grandpa’s gift and make this happen, the hotel was booked, time off was granted by employers, and flights were paid for. Grandpa’s gift? 7 nights at ANY Marriot hotel in the country free to us. And when he said any, he really meant it. It took all of 30 seconds for my mom, uncle and grandpa to suggest the same location and another 30 seconds for me to fall completely in love with it. POOF! Done!
  • With what we have in savings and with our tax return coming soon, we’ll have enough to afford two treatments/cycles at the clinic and still have a real honeymoon that isn’t mega thrifty.
  • Having a real vacation in the middle of Spring also keeps my vow to myself to take more time off from work and break it up through out the year. Taking a day here and there is not the same as an entire week away.
  • I just realized this is the first real vacation Dean and I will take alone. We finally had our first weekend away right after we got married when we scooted off to a condo by the beach, but this is the first real WEEK alone.
  • I taught myself how to embroider and I’ve begun a few projects. It’s significantly faster than cross stiching and much more freeing/expressive. I still love my cross stitching, but I’m really enjoying the free flow of embroidery. Practice makes perfect and I hope to master stitching in a perfect circle one day. Right now they’re all very lumpy!
  • Part of me also wants to make jewelry. The other part of me just wants decorative vials and jars of colorful beads everywhere. I like to have collections of things organized everywhere and the more colorful the better. I have a feeling I’m going to turn my creative space/desk area in to a decorative showcase soon. I am imspired to be more creative every day and bringing my crafty side back out of it’s hiding place has been very good for my soul.
  • I can’t believe I’m about to type this, but I’m actually looking forward to working out tomorrow. I’ve discovered if I alternate days I stick with it better than if I try to push myself and do it daily. That being said, sometimes I do go back to back for the sheer desire to do so, not because I’ve set some unrealistic goal for myself.
  • Life continues to be pretty good and while there are moments of struggle and frustration, I’m really making a conscious effort to be positive. I’m choosing to be happy every chance I can and choosing to not be as angry or frustrated. It feels like such a wasted emotion and I hate how I feel after I’ve been in one of those emotional pits. SOME expression of anger and frustration and other bad emotions are allowed because it’s not healthy to repress. It’s an effort in progress, but the more often I choose to be happy, the easier it is to just let go of the bad.
  • It’s 3pm and I just realized I haven’t eaten my lunch yet. So not good. Must go eat.

february

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  • A year ago I was arguing with Dean about moving to Virginia. At the time he had a close knit group of friends and didn’t want to leave that behind. One tiny argument between 2 of the wives later, the entire group disbanded and now friends of 25+ years are no longer friends. Sides were forced to be taken and Dean refused to take the morally wrong one (which was really just blind loyalty) so that was that. He officially moved in with me when it was over.
  • The wife who supposedly started the argument (I still maintain she was justified in her comments) is now one of my closest friends. She and her husband have also gone through infertility and they have a beautiful baby girl now. She understands what I’m going through better than anyone else and has made this struggle easier to deal with.
  • Follow up with the fertility clinic is next week and the plan will be made regarding the procedure of how to get a human being to grow in my womb. All tests so far for me have come out better than expected so my optimism is increasing in regards to being able to use cheaper methods.
  • Yesterday, while at the clinic, he realized I still hadn’t changed my last name yet and made a snide comment. I retorted with “this coming from the man who doesn’t legally live with his own wife.”
  • Yesterday he ran the ridiculous guantlet required to become a resident and finally registered with the state that he lives with his wife. He is officially a Virginian. Welcome to The Commonwealth! Now I have to change my name.
  • I’m having a hard time letting go of my last name. I know it’s the right thing to do and I made promises, but I am just not wanting to leave my name behind. I thought changing it on FB and my email would help the transition, but it hasn’t. 
  • I need to get over this. I will change my name as soon as we are done filing for our taxes and receive our refund. Fucking around with my name while waiting on the government to give me back my money is not the appropriate time!
  • I deleted a fuck ton of people off FB the other day. I did this for several reasons. The drama, the lack of interaction, the superficiality of the people I had once onsidered friends, not actually KNOWING a good chunk of them anymore, and this overall feeling of people just increasing their numbers or just spying on my life. Plus part of me just felt like “why are we even friends if we don’t interact at all?” so away they way. So far my decision to eliminate has been a good one, especially in the drama department.
  • Living with my parents has been paying off in many ways. Sure, we lack physical privacy and arguing in a house where everyone hears everything isn’t fun, but I tell you it’s great to have a home cooked meal from mom every now and again. It’s also nice to have understanding, help with several things, and more time with my parents. I feel like I never really got to be the kid in the relationship until now. I’m not regressing, just enjoying the moments.
  • I really like bullet point entries.