Monthly Archives: July 2011

June in a nutshell


No matter what I do, I always end up mega busy, dealing with the lion’s share of problems, and never get to update. I should just commit to once a month blog entries. That way I could actually live up to a self-promise and then at least people would know when to log in and look.

I don’t even know what order everything happened in the last 4 weeks. It feels like one big blur.

Nutshell/Expanded. Skip through as needed.

Nutshell Dad: convicted, final move out of his stuff, appealed conviction, moved in with me, moved in with my mom (his first wife), conviction overturned and new judgement the way it should have been all along, healing well. The end.

Expanded Dad: Things are better with him. I think he might actually get it this time. He’s making MASSIVE progress emotionally and spiritually which is helping all of his relationships. The fact that my mom is letting him live there for a few weeks till he finds a place on his own kind of says it all really. He’s fianlly making that evolutionary shift. Let’s just hope it stays there. His sobriety is riding on it.

Nutshell Sibling: moving back to Virginia and in with mom tomorrow.

Expanded Sibling: I am REALLY happy he’s coming home, but I know it’s very hard for him to leave. I hope he can find a way to get back, but this time without all the difficulty. I am actually looking forward to us living together in a few months too.

Nutshell Me: car accident, took out a personal loan to consolidate our debt, might have FINALLY gotten the budget balanced at last.

Expanded Me: well I had a car accident almost two weeks ago. I’ve never had an accident before. The entire process was incredibly weird and hard to deal with initially. The fact that other people got hurt as a result of this accident made me feel AWFUL. Thankfully they did not sustain major injuries and no one was horribly hurt, but on a human level, you hate knowing you caused another human being to suffer. I realize it was not intentional and they call it an accident for a reason, but it’s still an awful thing. I will never find out more information than that though. Privacy laws only allowed me to know that it was not major and nothing awful. I could only find that out through insurance. My insurance, by the way, is really being incredible to me. I was responsible and bought the right insurance a long time ago. I’ve expanded it as I’ve matured and I did the responsible thing by having that coverage. The other people will have their new car, their injuries taken care of and paid for, and my truck will be repaired.

After the car accident, I felt like a massive pattern within me finally broke free. Something shifted on some level and I felt very different. (I mean after I got over feeling like hell about it, of course.) All of a sudden a lot of things in my life clicked into place and in the mix of those clicking items, I FINALLY got a personal loan to consolidate our debt. I took out just enough to cover all of our credit cards, all the things that were in collections before Dean and I met (why do men do that????) a few medical bills, and then enough to cover my ticket from the accident and the deductible to pay for my car repairs. I have no idea what the court costs will be or what will even happen in court, but I set aside a little cushion for that to be safe. The loan is not the best interest, but it’s still infinitely better than the interest rates we had (about half the rate!) on the majority of our cards. And it will be paid off in 3 years. We’re paying $40 more a month for the loan than we would have for all of the cards individually, but we were getting nowhere on them. You pay above the minimums and you still end up taking 6 years to pay off $1000 and it ultimately costs almost $3000 after all the interest. I did all the calculations and REALLY thought this through before committing to this loan.

And most importantly, we’re going into our marriage with a consolidated bulk payment that we both agreed on (even though it’s in my name) and have let go of all the energy associated with the mistakes of the past. The end result is freedom. Total freedom from all the financial shackles we put on ourselves. It feels AMAZING. Speaking of weddings…

Nutshell Wedding: ring drama, ring finally on my finger, appraisal bullshit,  ceremony almost finalized 100%, DRESS PURCHASED! Honeymoon is also in the works and so is the wedding next year.

Expanded Wedding: I could get into the drama of having the ring sent back to NJ, back to VA, back to NJ, and back to VA, but fuck it. The point is, after the first re-sizing, it came back dinged, chipped, and scratched. Its like they just abused it and sent it back. Dean leaped into action, got the right people involved, and got it fixed. Now? Now it’s utterly perfect. It is without flaw and feels amazing on me. I went from thinking marriage was 2 years away to feeling naked without my ring.

Once the ring was back in hand, the marriage ceremony all started to fall into place. We found the venue. The photographer is being really generous and working with us so I don’t have to sacrifice quality. The restaurant we’ve chosen is catering to our every need. Our guestlist is finalized and it just happened to be 25 people which we found out later is the fire code capacity for the venue. Family can actually help out financially, we can pay our portion of it, we are staying well within our tiny little budget, and it’s literally almost done.

And despite my kicking and screaming, I’ve managed to slowly come around. I’ve come so far that I’ve decided it would be really good for us to have a vow renewal next year and really go through with this 2 wedding idea that my beloved wants. I get my tiny wedding, we’ll be married, and he gets his big party wedding. This way all of our friends and family can still attend. Everyone is still included, everyone is still happy, and everything happens as it should.

Naturally with all the flowing goodness and all the items clicking into place, my dress followed suit. That’s right, I bought a wedding dress! Actually my mom did, but we found it! I am a no nonsense, in and out shopper. I know what I want, what I don’t want, and I hate taking too much time. My mom is just like me so I knew this would be easy. I went in prepared with my list of styles and clear vision in my head. My mom shattered that the night before when she sent me a link to a completely different one. It was the first dress I tried on and it was perfect. I still tried other ones on and we took some pictures, but it wasn’t as much fun and I didn’t have that wave of emotion I wanted. There were a LOT of people there, no one respected anyone’s space, and our consultant was MIA that majority of the time because she was over scheduled. I put the dress back on and I felt it the second time around. We paid for it and ordered a size up thinking we could just alter it.

Then I went and picked my altered bridesmaid dress for Steph’s wedding and a sharp reality hit me. This dress was ordered 2 sizes too big. I have no idea how it happened, but it arrived enormous. Which meant the boobs were WAY too big and not fixable. I can’t shorten that top, but I did take it in 3.5 inches all around. I mean it fits and I like it, it’s just not as pretty as it could have been. And then it dawned on me “oh no, my wedding dress is too big. The boobs won’t work!” So I called my mom in a panic, we called the bridal shop back, put the order on hold, and said we’d be in the next day.

Today we went back, this time I had a regular bra on, my freshly washed and shrunken Spanx, and put the original size back on. PERFECTION! The boobs fit perfectly on this, they told us we can take it out a bit, and we changed the size. This time there were less people, we had plenty of room, took some great pictures, and this time I cried. I stood there knowing this was it… this is the dress I will be marrying Dean in. This is the dress he’ll see me in when we say “I do” and that was it. I was done for at that point.

There are two pictures on twitter that will vanish in 24 hours. There is a cluster of pictures on Flickr too, but they’re friends only. Only the moms and bridesmaids have full access to the pictures. The reason? Dean doesn’t want to see it, hear about it, or know any details of the dress until I walk down that aisle. He wants that to be the first time he sees me and because I love him with all my heart, I will give him that gift.

Three  months from now, I will marry the love of my life.