On Friday the wedding planning and my anxiety and stress over it all came to a head. Saturday I wrote a very bitchy blog post that I might delete. Sunday everything changed. Lets start with Friday.
Friday afternoon, my mom said her mommy chain was tugging at her so she came to see me at work and brought her dog. I didn’t know she was coming, she just showed up. About 30 seconds later she asked me what was wrong and after half a sentence of trying to fake it, I crumbled. I told her everything that was bothering me and how every time I try to make a wedding plan, I’m squashed like a bug. It’s too hard, it’s too frustrating, it’s not justifiable… it’s just not working. To top it off, my Xanax supply has taken a big hit over the last two weeks because of it. She calmed me down and said to call her after work. I did.
Yes, when we first got engaged I leaped into the whole thing and I was gung ho to make it work. I was excited after the first talk about everything with the committee… and then reality hit. Every single thing I looked at was squashed because of our budget and even after I cut everything to the bare minimum, it was still $6,600. And then I realized that I forgot the fucking wedding rings. Now we’re up to $8,000 to $10,000. Fuck me running. Impossible. If we REALLY busted ass, we could come up with the $6600, but 8? 10? And what about our other dreams? What about moving to a bigger home? What about paying down our debt? WHAT ABOUT THE BABY?
Suffice to say, mom kicked into high gear about budget weddings and all this really cheap talk and I told her “its not me you have to convince!” After I got the hard part out, she brought me down from the ledge, talked some sense into me, and started talking about reality budgets and her two tiny weddings and why am I taking this money away from my true dream of a baby?
Well the conversation left me with a LOT to think about and Dean knows when my head is spinning and if I keep ANYTHING from him (obvious hiding) he gets very angry with me. I should have listened to my mother. Dean and I spoke on the phone on his way home, had an argument (AGAIN!) about unrelated shit, and cut each other off in silence. He apparently called my mom and I went into psycho cleaning mode to get everything out of my system.
I am not good at conveying how I feel to him without it bursting out like an explosion so when I try to contain it and keep my head in line, it comes out stunted and disjointed. See why we argue? He came home to me scrubbing the sweet blue fuck out of the stove and silence. He started vacuuming and we cleaned together in silence. When I let go of my frustration, I walked to him, kissed him, and then we finished cleaning. We went to the store, got some dinner, and let it go. This is a HUGE evolutionary change in our arguing style.
Well after I vented to mom, cleaned, slept on it, took 3 Xanax in 24 hours (keep in mind that’s safe, but my norm is like 1-2 a week) vented through my blog, and had a day apart, things changed. Day apart because Dean works Saturdays and he also sometimes bartends as a side job here and there. He left at 6am and I saw himn again at 11:30pm. Thus, a day apart.
Anyway, through textign and brief phone calls, mom told us she wanted to talk to us in person on Sunday. Dean assumed it was because he told her I was frustrating him with my constant changes to the wedding nonsense and that he wanted to hurt me (not really, but he was angry and talking to her about me). I assumed it was going to be the final blow to the wedding coffin and she’d tell us she has no money and we’re on our own.
I was partly right, so was he.
Today, after helping my dad get the last of his stuff from his soon to be ex wife’s house, we went to mom’s house. She and my stepdad sat us down and started talking. No, they don’t have the money. No, they can’t do more than maybe $1000 at the most. They explained the joys of home ownership and how you can go from “yay we’re a few payments away from no debt!” to “fuck, we’re 20 grand in the hole” in a matter of a month. Their furnace died, AC unit died, had a few other house hold issues and kapow! She was also hating how much Dean and I were fighting over this and saw glimpses now of a future of stress and we needed to be happier now. So how can mom (and stepdad) help her baby and future son-in-law? Well…
My parents offered to help us pay for the wedding by asking us if we’d like to move in with them. “we can’t help you with money, but we can help you by giving you a place to stay so you can save your own money.” We’d pay a small rent, but it would be a third of our current rent and utilities monthly cost. We’d cut other costs, Dean wouldn’t have as long of a commute, and we’d have the cash to do a few things together. Of course the saving at least $1000 a month thing is also a huge factor in this. We discussed everything we could think of, asked a lot of questions, and then Dean and I said we’d think about it and make the decision together. If it were up to me, we’d move next month. DONE! But that’s not quite reality and the earliest we could leave is October. We’d still have to pay rent through November, but we could move out long before that and cut utilities off early.
And then the big offer came out…
3 weeks ago, Dean offered this same kind of thing, but I didn’t hear it. I heard a courthouse wedding now with certain people that MUST be there, and then another ceremony and shebang exactly one year later. I didn’t want to do this twice so I said no. Today that offer was re-issued and clarified. I said yes. The end result? We’re going to get me a cheap ring (to be replaced by 10-27-12), get him his ring that he really wants, get a dress (mom will pay) and suit, have a very small ceremony that my mom will write, we have an officiant who will do it for free, and do it where ever we want locally.
A year from that date, we will have a well planned, well budgeted, party to celebrate it and invite all of our friends and family to join us. If we have the ceremony where I want, I’ve said yes to having the reception in the Elks Lodge his mom helps run and decorate it to the nines with a penny budget. We will also have my final ring and if Dean decides he hates the Titanium, we’ll get him the right ring.
It’s a fuck ton of things to think about, a lot to process, a lot to plan for, and an extremely generous offer. And while I was writing this, Dean decided yes! Yes we’re moving in with my parents! In 4 months we’ll be married and moving into my parents house for 6-8 months.
For the first time in 3 weeks, I feel amazing!