anti-wedding?

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I work fast. I always have. I HATE having things unresolved. I like, nay, NEED solutions and options.

I want to be married, but I don’t want a wedding. I never have. Grow up without a lot of money, realize one day you’ll be taking care of your parents AND your future spouse’s parents, have no money now, have no degree and no future plan, and you too will be overwhelmed with the prospect of spending a dime on anything that does not have a long term purpose.

I have had a hard enough time buying dresses I will only wear once for other people’s weddings and now I’m supposed to do this for myself? And spend a LOT more on it? Seriously? I’m supposed to invite people I don’t particularly like to an event that effects the rest of my life? I’m supposed to pay for these people to eat and drink and probably get nothing back from? Seriously, what the fuck?

It baffles me the amount of money people spend on ONE DAY of their lives and all the planning that goes into it, but they spend nothing on their retirement, planning the actual marriage, or planning their future. Suffice to say, I’m bitter about weddings in general and always have been. I’ve never made this a secret. I’ve always talked about a tiny Justice of the Peace wedding, a courthouse wedding, and eloping. ALWAYS.

You can imagine how shocking it became to everyone around me that within 24 hours of being engaged, I had an account set up on theknot.com. Within 48 hours a theme. Within 72 hours a date was set. The next day a guest list for each that Dean made on a spreadsheet for me. (He knows me so well!) And today? Well today I have an entire binder made up to keep me organized with check lists, print outs of dresses and decorations, photographers contacted, pages of notes with thoughts and ideas, and a few venues already virtually scouted with inquiries sent.

In less than a week, I went from anti-wedding to a binder full of ideas and a wedding envisioned in my head. My logic was simple: if we’re having a wedding, I’m not going into it unwillingly. If I can force myself to like the idea then I’ll embrace it. If I embrace it, maybe I’ll even enjoy this planning thing. And maybe then, after all that other stuff, I won’t even mind forking out hard earned money to let distant family enjoy it as well.

I am nothing if not a determined individual.

And then Dean and my mom talked, decided they’d created a monster, and Dean proposed a new idea. Suddenly I had the option of the courthouse/JOTP option. There were conditions on it and there would still be a ceremony next year, but I was willing to go with all of this. And I did almost go for it. I was inches away from saying yes until I realized that this was Dean giving up his dream and it was just to make me happy and I felt like a jerk. He’s always wanted a ceremony and I’ve only ever wanted to get married ONCE. Two marriage moments would defeat this.

I did what everyone told me to do: I made a list of what I really truly wanted in a wedding, my short term goals, and my long term goals. I thought long and hard and by the time I was done with the lists, my mind was made up. I decided that we’d have a wedding and I vetoed the option of getting married this year, but I had my own conditions.

The reason? Because this day isn’t about me. It’s about US. Dean wants a wedding and I want him to be happy just as much as he wants me to be happy. I also know that deep down if I don’t do SOMETHING as far as a wedding, I’ll regret it later. So I presented this all to mom, stepdad, and Dean last night with the binder in hand and the lists out for everyone to read. We came to a big enough agreement that everyone was happy.

The compromise between the two of us (big wedding versus non-existent) is to have a wedding, but not necessarily all the traditional procedures. Working out the details will be part of the fun. The wedding is 15 months away. I am spending the next 3 months organizing my binder and thoughts and will present my research to the committee (mom, Dean, and the paternal units) and we’ll make some decisions. This also helps me from losing my mind. If I have the vision on paper, I can come up with a budget figure. If I have both of those things then I can plan a savings schedule and we can plan out when we have to make decisions. Thanks to websites and friends, I will do this at a steady pace, not get overwhelmed, and I will enjoy this process.

I went from anti-wedding to planning my dream wedding in less than a week… and Dean is thrilled.

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One response »

  1. Here is my ass-vice.

    Small wedding. I spent over 40K on my first wedding and well, sure it was fun but it didn’t last….Scott and I had a small wedding. Just immediate family, his best man and my made of honor. A total of 25 people. Married in his parents backyard, instead of a huge reception we had dinner party at a local restaraunt with a private room.

    The benefit of the small wedding is intimacy and less cash spent. You want to celebrate this amazing start of a life with people that are close to you both and will be close to you both in the future. You do not want to be dropping 100-200 a plate on people you only see at weddings and funerals 🙂

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