We’ve lived together for 2 months now. In those two months a lot of shit has happened. It’s possible that I might be over my desire to “get it all over with now”. Wait, that’s a desire? No, that’s how my life is.
After the longest morning of my life, Dean’s biopsy came back just fine. The minute the surgeon left me in the waiting room, I burst into tears. I think it was out of sheer relief that something good finally happened and that we wouldn’t have to fight yet another battle. Or that I wasn’t facing the possibility of losing the greatest thing to ever happen to me. I admit it, when the word “lymphoma” was uttered, my first thought was “you can’t do this to me. I finally found this amazing man and you’re taking him away from me? Please don’t do this!” and then I got over it and realized that no matter what I’d deal with it. It was the realization that I didn’t have to face anything like that right this minute, that I could finally be happy with someone and share a life with. That’s why I cried in the waiting room. Then I called our moms, reported the good news, and breathed.
Not long after that my dad was out of rehab and moved into a group men’s home. We’ve had a few sharp conversations and there was one that shredded me to the bone. I was ready to write him off forever, but then he and my mom talked a lot and after some more time in AA and another group he likes, my dad started to come around. I haven’t entirely given up on the idea of having a father some time in my life.
We got the sperm test results in the middle of all of that too and after waiting two more weeks for my doctor to review them I discovered that I am COMPLETELY fucking fed up with gynecologists in general. Also realized that insurance sucks. Oh and his results were not optimal. My doc wouldn’t even give us clomid without another test for Dean and I didn’t feel like waiting any more for an answer. She gave us the green light to go to a fertility clinic and that was it. The end of all further conversation with yet another doctor that I felt completely disconnected from.
Dejected I went from hyper “let’s make the appointment NOW” to a break down (shocking!) to “fuck this. We don’t need the stress. Let’s just wait.” The plan now? Well I have this super important wedding of my best friend in Toronto in August that is costing a small fortune for us. Actually it’s not so bad now because Steph is amazing and is letting me bypass the hotel costs and letting me stay at her place the entire week I’m there. It was like an elephant AND a boulder came flying off my chest. We also have a vacation in September thats almost 100% paid for. And my truck is paid off in August as well. We decided that due to the financial stress of it all and fertility clinics not being known for low costs, we’d wait to even make an appointment at the clinic until September. Another boulder removed. Stress is not good for baby making anyway.
However, since I have always been a multiple blog person, I decided to start a blog a few months ago about the whole trying to get knocked up thing, but I’m taking it a bit more lighthearted there than here. If you’re interested, leave a comment with your email address so I can send you the link.
Somewhere in this mix Dean also had a sleep study and the results of that were terrifying. It’s amazing he’s alive. Suffice to say insurance covered a CPAP machine and now my beloved sleeps with a bizarre mask on his face at night. I made fun of him incessantly until he finally started laughing about it too. At least now he’s sleeping through the night and getting his energy back. Slowly.
After all of that, we had to figure out this living together thing. It required making food budgets and sharing all money then distributing said shared money and then figuring out schedules and paying each others bills and saving for things we didn’t want to save for and FUCK! We went from zero to married in 2 months flat! The kinks have been worked out, the fights have been had, the sex life has taken a hit, but all in all everything is working out. We don’t resent each other for any of it. It’s all OUR money even though I make the lion’s share and pay all the household items. When big decisions need to be made we actually TALK to each other. We make plans together about the future, where money is going, and how things are spent. See? It’s like we’re married.
As if all that were not enough, i finally went to see a doctor for a physical and holy shit, she listened to me. It turns out this lack of energy can be attributed to a lack of vitamin D so she ran blood work on that and low and behold, my levels were dangerously low. Then a few other results came back that were NOT good. My blood sugar spiked so now I’m pre-diabetic, my triglycerides went up (but my overall cholesterol score was the exact same number as it was the last 2 years), and then there was the vitamin D thing. Basically I’m falling apart. So I joined a gym. My coworker and her husband are “training” me and so far so good. I had already been changing the way Dean and I eat so that part was easy, but the working out no less than 3 times a week? Holy shit that’s hard. If I didn’t have my workout buddies, this would be near impossible. Saturday I go in for my free training session where they make up a workout based on me and my needs. So that will be interesting.
And then there’s work… well thats just a ball of stress right now. I still love my coworkers and still love my job, it’s just really stressful right now. That’s all there is to say about that.
So between work, working out, doctor visits, results, and figuring out how to live together it’s been a hell of a journey. Now let’s see how long it takes me to post again.