Monthly Archives: March 2011

cohabitating

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Well that’s pretty much it… we’re a few days away from living together. One more round of packing and schlepping and he’ll be fully moved in and then thats it. The official end to my single life as I know it… and I can’t wait. I’m nervous as hell and I can’t wait.

So far it’s been an easy transition. He doesn’t have much in the way of furniture and because I want all of it to match, we had to buy a dresser. We’re not taking on his bed and we’re not turning the second bedroom into a nursery. I converted that room (after a LOT of work) into an office area and after Dean moved his desk and computer in, I realized my layout wouldn’t work anymore so there will be more work to do, but it’s worth it to have a space for him to game and me to be crafty. Some how despite getting rid of things, I have more storage.

Then came the budget and debt talk. I was dreading this talk and was terrified he’d be furious about my debt. I was scared we wouldn’t agree. I was scared he’d say that I needed to take care of my own shit. I have (what feels like) a lot of credit card debt from living alone for 5 years. Dean doesn’t have shit for that kind of debt but has a foreclosed mortgage so I thought maybe we’d come into this pretty even.

After a long talk, spreadsheets done and re-done, and figuring everything out, I breathed a sigh of relief. We really are in this together and really are becoming one unit (but not in a gross way) and thinking together on everything. A united front against everything, not two separate lives fighting the same war. Ultimately we decided that we would combine our income and pay off my debt because with his credit history, I’ll have to be the one to apply for a home loan alone so my credit better be immaculate. But we are also thinking of a future and despite the surplus of cash we’ll have by combining incomes and lives, we’ve decided to put half of that surplus towards paying down half the debt rather than all of it and decided to put the other half of the surplus towards savings. That savings will either go to fertility treatments (I hope not), a house, or a wedding. Or if the cost of living remains the same here, it may go towards keeping us afloat when Dean becomes a stay at home dad because Jesus H, daycare is ridiculous here! Either way, we’re figuring this out and making this work and there’s no fighting over it. It’s all grown up talking.

The biggest part of all of this is making two opposites work it out. I’m compulsive and cannot rest if things are unfinished. He could leave something undone for a year and not care. I cannot go to Ikea and come home with things in boxes. I HAVE to put things together and organize and I wear myself out. He thinks the shopping trip alone is exhausting and doesn’t want to do shit at the end of the day. Same with this budget thing… I would sit there and tweak, re-tweak, and tweak some more at the spread sheet even though decisions were made because I need to have that plan quite literally laid out in front of me. After an impromptu “couples therapy” session with my parents, we made some changes and now he says things like “okay you have ten more minutes to finish that spreadsheet and then you have to put it down. Promise me you’ll do that.” and the shocking thing isn’t that he demands this of me, but that I actually obey.

The other shocking thing is that all I have to do with him is ask him to take care of something and he does AND he responds well to lists. Like super well. He told me outright he just doesn’t see clutter or dust or a sink of dirty dishes and if I want them done, I have to ask. I don’t want to be a nag, but he said thats fine. Sure as shit, if I just say “I need you to do the dishes before I get home so I can cook” POOF! They’re done! If I ask him what he’s doing on his day off, he accomplishes nothing, but if I give him a list and put it in order of convenience, damn does he knock it out! And not only that, but he stays motivated and keeps doing stuff. Its kind of awesome and while I’m still afraid it could backfire into resentment one day, I think we might have found our groove to make things work.

Now he just needs to finish moving in! Only 13 more days and he will though. Hard to believe I’ve come to this point after all the bullshit I lived through prior. There was really a point where I thought I’d never get here and now I can’t even remember how it was before this.

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de-railed

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The last month of my life did not go the way I wanted or planned for it to go. That’s the thing about life… it does that some times.

My dad is getting a divorce from his wife. This would be wife/divorce number four. Yes, it happened as suddenly as I posted it.

I love my dad. He will always be my dad, will always be half of my genetic make up, and will always be a part of my heart. My soon-to-be-yet-another-ex stepmother was not perfect, but I had a relationship with her too. Apparently I was the only one, but that is neither here nor there. Point being, I don’t want either of them hurting anymore. The divorce needs to be fast and painless, but there’s a court date for charges filed that has to happen first. Because of the legal issues, the possibility of this blog being found (doubtful) and me being in the middle right now trying to help both sides, I’ll just say this: it was fast, there are charges filed, and there are two alcoholics who have zero grasp of their own problem.

Actually, make that HAD no grasp. When the shit hit the fan, dad started going back to AA meetings. After some discussion with his employers, his family, and some self realization, he’s checked himself into a 28 day program. An hour ago. I hope this works.

Outside of that, all I can say is that it’s hard to deal with. I have two brothers and neither of them are helping. It’s not their fault. One is barely wet behind the ears and in college way the fuck out in the mid-west. The other has just barely pulled his own life together enough to finally have a girlfriend thats actually pretty awesome, but he also lives far away. Both of them are about as emotionally distant as they could possibly be too so maybe it’s for the better. Dad’s family also lives far away in the nearer Mid-west. I’m local, I’m responsible, and I’ve always been the strong one so I’m left as the sole support in more ways than one.

And I’m just dealing with it. There’s nothing else to do. i can’t turn my back on him and I won’t leave him homeless. My brothers can’t do shit, the extended family did what they could… and I’m doing the rest. That’s the way it goes and that’s the responsibility of the eldest child. Moving on.

During the time, my faith has increased exponentially and I’m happy about that. My dad and my mom are on speaking terms for the first time in God knows how long and she’s being as supportive as she can (even though it’s incredibly difficult right now) so there’s another plus point. Dean has been the most amazing, supportive, incredible man you could possibly imagine too. I mean it’s to the point that this anti-bride who hates weddings is thinking “you know what? If he wants a wedding, I better start thinking this out and budgetting for it.” The same woman who has wanted to go to Hawaii since infancy and wanted it as the honeymoon now says “oh, he wants Ireland? Done.” I mean thats how incredible he has been. I thought something like this would push us to our breaking point because I’ve been flooded with hormones, working too hard, and now this? Turns out its made us a little bit stronger.

In the middle of all this, we bought a couch and right now I’m only sitting on two thirds of it. The other third? I get to pick it up this weekend. I’m not happy about that, but it was either two thirds or no thirds so I took the two because I had two men to pick it up and deliver it and I think I can handle the chaise portion alone. Maybe. So we got most of our couch and it’s awesome. It made for a relaxing place to crash into exhaustion the last two weekends as the shit with my dad hit it’s peak. No, we haven’t christened it. Not gonna happen until we have the whole thing AND some energy.

And then WHAM! Dean tells me he’s made up his mind and is moving in with me. He even gives me a date! Meanwhile, I gently coaxed him to talk to his mom about his sister and her brood moving in with Mom Person when Dean moves out. There are 2 rooms open when he leaves and the sibling needs a better place to live so looks like my suggestion (through Dean) paid off because it went from Dean saying he would move eventually to picking an actual date so sis could give her notice! POOF! Everything works out for everyone. Kinda really fucking awesome, yes?

Apparently that’s what I needed to motivate me to clean out the second bedroom and turn it in to an office. It’s not going to be a nursery in 2011 (it’s not biologically possible) so why allot the space for one? So far, so good. It’s been a challenge to throw my stuff out, but its been worth it. The room looks better and better by the day and now Dean will have an area for mostly him while I have a spot to actually spread out the craftyness when needed.

He’s slowly moved pieces over anyway. About half his wardrobe is here, we have the new TV, all of his DVDs (which were in the hundreds and now a good chunk of them are ready for the pawn shop), his laptop stays here all the time now, and he’s spending more and more mornings commuting to and back from Maryland. It’s been gradually happening and once he moves in for good, we’ll have one more dresser to add to our small bedroom.

We’re making it all work, slowly merging our lives into this one solid movement forward, and we’re getting stronger as a couple every day. Despite the shit and the hard times, we seem to fall more and more in love. I am happy and I am extremely blessed. He’s amazing. He makes me want to be a better person and keep up this positivity even when I want to curl into a little ball and sleep forever. I still get to crawl into a ball some times, but its only to nestle into his big strong arm.

I’ve always had to be the strong one and do everything by myself. ALWAYS. I always had to be my own rock and patch my own cracks. I’ve never been able to lean on someone else… until now. Now I have someone to lean on when it’s hard and patch up the cracks when I can’t reach. I’m still the strong one, but now I’m not crumbling underneath. I’m even stronger now and he’s the reason why.