just let go

Standard

For reasons I won’t get into, my dad and I drove grandma back to Ohio from his house in Virginia after she’d been in North Carolina with my aunt for an extended stay.

It was a long weekend.

20 hours in the car with my dad. Frustrating conversations that went nowhere. White-knuckle driving through snow/ice/sleet. Face to face with the shell of a woman my grandma is now due to her brain failing her on a few levels. 14th anniversary of my brother dying. Catching a cold from hell. Late night conversations over a bottle of wine with my aunt who is quite possibly my favorite person on earth. Making last minute decisions. Letting go of my pride and asking for money so I could come back to see them all at Christmas.

Watching. Observing. Laughing. Loving.

The only way to move forward is to forgive even if that’s only ever done internally. They’ll never know what I’ve forgiven or what I’ve let go. They’ll just see that I’m calm, fun to be around, and that I’m very happy. And just letting myself be happy made it easier to ignore the opinions, block out the bullshit, and just focus on each person’s goodness. I disagree with so much they say it’s not even funny, but under that exterior fountain of bullshit, there are genuinely good people and I’m related to them.

In the course of 48 hours I let go of the hurt, anger, and sadness I’ve held about my family. I washed the resentment out of my hair and scrubbed the drama out of my skin. I moved forward.

I let go and I feel amazing.

 

Advertisements

One response »

  1. Letting go is hard to do but it so worth it. I found that over Thanksgiving with my mom. I just let it go, she would push and push and push at old triggers and I just didn’t let it get to me, that is her bullshit and her drama. I didn’t need to argue with her to make her see I was right and she was wrong because she would never change and see it my way, so I let myself just know I was right and allowed that to be enough.

    I let go. It was so very hard. But so very worth it….

    It is amazing to me the amount of personal growth I have watched you go through in the last ~10 years! You are always so honest and completely raw with yourself! I love you!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s