I don’t write enough


Skimming over entries, I can see a lot of angst and frustration in me. That’s even close to how I really feel anymore. Granted, it was a rough couple of months, but a lot has changed in that time.

My job finally calmed down. I’ve been there 5 years now. I finally crossed that line where everything clicked and my entire day is one solid movement. I only get stressed out once a month during the billing to the owner, but I don’t get fired up nearly as much over the other things I used to. I stopped taking so many things personally. I also got some help in the form of a temp admin. It’s been a very good thing for me and I feel like I’ve found my work home and family.

It has helped that I’ve had the unconditional support of Dean. He truly is a great man. Some days I wake up and wonder how the hell we found each other. I wonder how the hell he puts up with my bullshit and how he manages to stand by my side when all I do is push him away. I don’t always do that, but I did for a long time. I don’t always see how my attitude, words, or emotions come across to someone else. He cares about me. He loves me. He wants to fix me and all my problems. I never thought I had that many problems or issues till I met a good man though. The biggest issue I’ve had with us is the adjusting to being with someone so fucking incredible to me.

There have been moments where I seriously thought it would be better for him if he just walked away. I know it was my conditioned behavior and my past experiences making me push him away and kick and scream while doing it. I know that’s what made me feel like I didn’t deserve him. In a way, I finally understood how Chet felt about me and why he pushed me away so hard.

None of this has been easy. Figuring out how flawed you are never is. It’s easier though to change yourself and fix your flaws so that you feel better about yourself and your life when you have support. I got lucky with this man. I mean it, I got REALLY lucky with this one.

For some reason he seems to think I’m worth sticking it out for. He never leaves when we argue although he’s been tempted. He hasn’t ended it with me and hasn’t given up on me like other have in the past.

Dean is a really good man. An honest to God GOOD man that every woman wants.

There isn’t anything about him I’d change except for maybe a few small things, but perfection is no fun. He calls me every single day he doesn’t see me. He wants to know about my day, my life, my family, everything. He carries on actual conversations. He makes me laugh ALL THE TIME. He’s fun in the sack and is far more open than I imagined he would be. We can talk about anything at any time. I meant it, ANYTHING. There’s nothing off limits with us. We have our arguments, but we always talk them out afterwards and move forward. I have so much fun with him!

We go out a lot and he pays for a lot. I know this is because he is way more social than I am and wants to get out and do stuff and if I let my wallet dictate our social life we’d never go anywhere. The cheap bastard side of me still can’t quite allow him to spend too much when we go out though. He doesn’t seem to mind. I’m the one with the problem. He also knows money is a problem with me right now and I’ve some how hit a point where I have absolutely nothing left after I pay bills. It had gotten to the point where I couldn’t do ANYTHING for myself and could only cough up enough money to fill my gas tank and drive out to him.

After all the bullshit and the aggravation I’ve put him through, he still wants to do things for me. I had a really hard time with this. The independent woman who does everything for herself had a VERY hard time saying “honey, can you buy me some boots for work?” It also took me a week to not feel guilty when he not only said yes to that but also to taking me to Bath and Body Works for some new lotions and sprays. All in all, I spent $80 of his hard earned money on me and I didn’t feel guilty. I didn’t feel entitled, I didn’t feel ashamed about not being able to buy it for myself, and I didn’t feel the need to whine about it. I thanked him, was girlie and giggly for hours on end, and even let him take me to dinner. Granted, he spent gift cards for everything, but those gift cards are earned through the work he does. Nothing was truly free, but because I spent so little and because he got to use those cards, we both felt good about it. At least I think so.

It was a step in the right direction. I’m not saying I deserve constant tokens of affection or appreciation, but it was nice to actually have someone giving me something for once. I mean I’ve never even really gotten a birthday present from a man, let alone 2 pairs of $29 boots ($45 total when it’s buy one get one half off) because I needed something to get me through winter. It took some adjusting, but I’m getting there.

All in all, I’ve grown a LOT in the last few months; more than I’ve grown in the last five years. It’s been a good thing and I owe a lot of it to Dean’s support and love. I hope when the time comes for me to help him that I can do the same for him. I hope I’ve been doing something good for him all these months too. I’d like to think I am because damn it, I really love that man and I want him to be with me… till death do us part.


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