Monthly Archives: November 2010

32 hours

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See previous entry. This pretty much begins where that one left off and I’m too tired to function
  • Woke up alone on a Monday which has become foreign to me in the last 8 months
  • Work work work
  • Phone call form the beloved updating me on the events to come in regards to kidneys
  • Work some more
  • Another phone call. What should have been a quick procedure, changed course throughout the day
  • I heard the words “blockage, infection, hospital” and left work 2 hours early
  • I spent 102 minutes in traffic
  • When I got to the hospital, I spent another 32 minutes trying to find Dean because almost everyone who works there is missing a crucial amount of brain cells
  • Incompetent people should have their mouths sewn shut
  • An angel named Mimi saved the day by finding him and then taking me to him
  • I hate at least 3 Maryland hospitals now
  • I cried the minute I saw him
  • The color in his face returned about 5 minutes after I showed up
  • His mom and I got to know each other, but bonded one-on-one in the OR waiting area
  • He came out of anesthesia like nothing had happened
  • He was the butt of many jokes for the nurse, his mom, and me
  • Discharged
  • He rode back with me while his mom got dinner for all of us
  • We all met up at their house, had dinner, and watched recorded TV together very very late at night
  • She gave me a really warm, nice hug when I said goodnight and I got choked up
  • I crawled into bed with my Boo, kissed his forehead, and rubbed his back till he fell asleep
  • I woke up at 5:30am, said goodbye, and hit the road
  • Showered, got dressed, headed to GYN office
  • Assaulted by 5 foot tall, buck ten soaking wet doctor wielding a speculum
  • Veins assaulted by rough and tumble lab tech who managed to bruise my ridiculously vibrant and easy to find veins
  • Cried in the car for no reason
  • Ate bacon for the first time in 4 years figuring that medication already tears me up, so lets try pork!
  • Threw up again. Failure of previous thought.
  • Work work work
  • Work some more
  • Came home to dog acting a fool
  • Contemplated the demise of the dog
  • Period arrived which explained the uncontrollable weeping in the car earlier
  • Chicken pot pie followed by caramel ice cream for dinner comfort
  • Contemplated dog’s demise again
  • Decided it was time for bed

Nighty night.

stoned

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PMS is evil. It helped lead to my first moments of doubt with Dean and our future. That lead to some big thinking and a new plan of action.

I foolishly told him I wanted to talk to him ahead of time thinking he’d appreciate the heads up, but forgot he has woman-like tendencies once in a while and that sent his head spinning. Oops. Oh well. It gave me the time I needed to pull it all together. I stood my ground and refused to give in to his reaction so we shelved it till we were face to face the next day which was Saturday.

I call Dean every morning to wake him up. I call once and then call 30 minutes later to shove him out of bed from afar. I wake up 45 minutes later myself. I do the same thing Saturday mornings and this Saturday was no exception. He told me he’d been up all night with stomach cramps. I won’t lie, I thought this was a guilt trip. My day flew by and next thing I know, he’s walking in the door at 4:30. He looked pale and exhausted so I gave him some fresh baked cookies, gave him a pedicure (yeah I spoil him, but I like doing it), rubbed his feet, and sent him off for a nap. He told me his stomach had been hurting him all day again and a nap was a good idea. When he woke up, we went to dinner and planned on seeing a movie after that.

I had this feeling something was wrong so I decided I better have the talk with him. I said what I needed to say, apologized for a few things, told him we can’t fight over the phone anymore (but if he insists, we can do it in person) and reminded him of why we love each other and what our goal is. He held my hand at that point and I said “in the end, it’s all about that baby we both want. We need to be stable and happy and be as good to each other as we can. I want to give that kid the best shot at life it can have and that starts with us.” And just like that, the tension was gone, agreements were made, and everything felt better.

I couldn’t have timed it better and I’m glad I didn’t wait any further because about an hour into the movie, Dean started feeling bad again. I have no idea where we left off because at one point he whispered to me from the side of the theater and I knew it was go time. Next thing I know, he’s in agonizing pain and I’m driving his car like a bat out of hell to the only hospital I know the location of 16 miles away. I’m praying to every deity I can to get me to the hospital without getting pulled over. Someone was listening because I flew right past one cop and he didn’t even flinch.

One IV drip, some kick ass pain killers, an x-ray some other kind of scan, and 4 hours later, it turned out that Dean had a really big kidney stone and it was currently stuck near his pelvic bone. We were sent home about 3am with some instructions, prescriptions, and instructions to take a lot of ibuprofen if the other pain meds wore off and the pain came back before I could get to a pharmacy. The same deity’s that watched over us before were still on duty because I barely avoided hitting 2 deer and one fox about a mile from the house. When we got home, he was feeling GREAT! So great that he took the dog out while I was peeing. Scared the hell out of me.

Eventually I got him back to bed and made him sleep. Then I passed out. I woke up 4 hours later to go to the pharmacy. I looked like hell, but the pharmacists didn’t even question it. They assumed I was his wife… his very tired and ragged wife who just wanted to go back to bed. Instead of sleeping, I spent the entire day taking care of him. After I got him to finally get in the shower and feel better, he went home. He has an appointment tomorrow back near his house and I have to finish up the monthly billing.

But everything feels different now. It kinda feels like a kidney stone made everything better.

Something about the vulnerability of being in the hospital, being in pain, having someone see you when you’re completely down, that same person holding the IV bag up in one hand and the pee cup in the other… well I guess that kind of makes you forget the bullshit, value the one you love, and let go of the little shit.

I don’t write enough

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Skimming over entries, I can see a lot of angst and frustration in me. That’s even close to how I really feel anymore. Granted, it was a rough couple of months, but a lot has changed in that time.

My job finally calmed down. I’ve been there 5 years now. I finally crossed that line where everything clicked and my entire day is one solid movement. I only get stressed out once a month during the billing to the owner, but I don’t get fired up nearly as much over the other things I used to. I stopped taking so many things personally. I also got some help in the form of a temp admin. It’s been a very good thing for me and I feel like I’ve found my work home and family.

It has helped that I’ve had the unconditional support of Dean. He truly is a great man. Some days I wake up and wonder how the hell we found each other. I wonder how the hell he puts up with my bullshit and how he manages to stand by my side when all I do is push him away. I don’t always do that, but I did for a long time. I don’t always see how my attitude, words, or emotions come across to someone else. He cares about me. He loves me. He wants to fix me and all my problems. I never thought I had that many problems or issues till I met a good man though. The biggest issue I’ve had with us is the adjusting to being with someone so fucking incredible to me.

There have been moments where I seriously thought it would be better for him if he just walked away. I know it was my conditioned behavior and my past experiences making me push him away and kick and scream while doing it. I know that’s what made me feel like I didn’t deserve him. In a way, I finally understood how Chet felt about me and why he pushed me away so hard.

None of this has been easy. Figuring out how flawed you are never is. It’s easier though to change yourself and fix your flaws so that you feel better about yourself and your life when you have support. I got lucky with this man. I mean it, I got REALLY lucky with this one.

For some reason he seems to think I’m worth sticking it out for. He never leaves when we argue although he’s been tempted. He hasn’t ended it with me and hasn’t given up on me like other have in the past.

Dean is a really good man. An honest to God GOOD man that every woman wants.

There isn’t anything about him I’d change except for maybe a few small things, but perfection is no fun. He calls me every single day he doesn’t see me. He wants to know about my day, my life, my family, everything. He carries on actual conversations. He makes me laugh ALL THE TIME. He’s fun in the sack and is far more open than I imagined he would be. We can talk about anything at any time. I meant it, ANYTHING. There’s nothing off limits with us. We have our arguments, but we always talk them out afterwards and move forward. I have so much fun with him!

We go out a lot and he pays for a lot. I know this is because he is way more social than I am and wants to get out and do stuff and if I let my wallet dictate our social life we’d never go anywhere. The cheap bastard side of me still can’t quite allow him to spend too much when we go out though. He doesn’t seem to mind. I’m the one with the problem. He also knows money is a problem with me right now and I’ve some how hit a point where I have absolutely nothing left after I pay bills. It had gotten to the point where I couldn’t do ANYTHING for myself and could only cough up enough money to fill my gas tank and drive out to him.

After all the bullshit and the aggravation I’ve put him through, he still wants to do things for me. I had a really hard time with this. The independent woman who does everything for herself had a VERY hard time saying “honey, can you buy me some boots for work?” It also took me a week to not feel guilty when he not only said yes to that but also to taking me to Bath and Body Works for some new lotions and sprays. All in all, I spent $80 of his hard earned money on me and I didn’t feel guilty. I didn’t feel entitled, I didn’t feel ashamed about not being able to buy it for myself, and I didn’t feel the need to whine about it. I thanked him, was girlie and giggly for hours on end, and even let him take me to dinner. Granted, he spent gift cards for everything, but those gift cards are earned through the work he does. Nothing was truly free, but because I spent so little and because he got to use those cards, we both felt good about it. At least I think so.

It was a step in the right direction. I’m not saying I deserve constant tokens of affection or appreciation, but it was nice to actually have someone giving me something for once. I mean I’ve never even really gotten a birthday present from a man, let alone 2 pairs of $29 boots ($45 total when it’s buy one get one half off) because I needed something to get me through winter. It took some adjusting, but I’m getting there.

All in all, I’ve grown a LOT in the last few months; more than I’ve grown in the last five years. It’s been a good thing and I owe a lot of it to Dean’s support and love. I hope when the time comes for me to help him that I can do the same for him. I hope I’ve been doing something good for him all these months too. I’d like to think I am because damn it, I really love that man and I want him to be with me… till death do us part.

I’ll do it my way

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The happier I am the harder it is for me to blog. I make it a point not to write when I’m in the middle of an emotional moment too because by the time I write it all out, I feel better, change my mind, and move on. Plus, this is only MY side of things, not his too.

It’s not like things aren’t going on. It’s not like I don’t have a ton of shit to say. On the contrary. I have a lot going on and a lot to say. I just suck at writing it out. So fuck it, let’s try bullet formatting without the bullets. That usually works for me.

Fighting – we fight a lot. At least, I call it a “lot”. I think by most people’s standards, it’s pretty low, but by my standards anything is a lot. They’re becoming far more efficient, move faster, and I’m figuring out how to make my point faster and also learning which ones are even worth entertaining. Taking a page out of grandma’s book and her advice of “pick your battles” has never rung truer. The more I learn, the less I get hurt and the easier it is to get through them. I think we’re getting over the fighting early on and later on in our relationship we won’t fight nearly as much. This is the theory I’m going with because it’s been the exact opposite in past relationships and look how those turned out. Maybe I’m on to something.

Couples – Suddenly I’m with a guy who has a lot of married or coupled off friends. Now we’re hanging out with his coupled friends and my coupled friends. I never had this with other boyfriends. Then again, my other boyfriends never really had much in the way of a social network. What I particularly enjoy is the fact that Dean is incredible affectionate and doesn’t hide this in front of his friends. If anything, he seems to compete with his male friends for who can be cuter with their female. It’s kinda fun. That, and Dean has really great friends. I get along with all the women his friends are dating or are married to and his friends are really good guys. Even the one catty chick I can get along with… booze helps.

Moving – We’ve moved up from arguing about moving in together to talking about it like it’s going to happen. It turns out I just needed to back off. So I did. As soon as I did, he opened up more. Now I get frequent questions about scenarios he imagines and how I’d react. Apparently I’m answering correctly because he gets more and more positive about moving and now we’ve established that he will move in after the new year. We’ve also been discussing furniture and who’s stuff is going where. So far so good. We may not have an exact date in mind, but we’ve got a goal now and I’m happy about it.

Baby Pause – I’ve put us on a babymaking pause. Why the pause? Because I have two very important things coming up next summer and I can’t fuck them up. My best friend Steph is getting married and I’m her Maid of Honor. Did I mention she lives in Toronto? I also have my annual beach vacation with my parents that I NEED every year. I don’t care if I’m a beached whale on the sand or a blimp bridesmaid. I just can’t be on the verge of popping out a kid. I figure if we can hold off trying till Christmas, then I’m golden. Besides, what are the odds I’d get knocked up the first time we try for real while on meds and actually give it a good hearty go? Yeah, slim to none. We’ll see. I’m still taking my meds (by the way, metformin is the devil) and still trying to drop a few pounds, but I’ve put him on *ahem* ejaculation restriction with me at certain times of the month until the end of the year. It’s not the easiest thing for him to do, but it’s temporary and he knows how important this is to me.

Metformin Sucks – Did I mention that Metformin sucks? Because it really does! After a month of being on it, I’m still not fully used to the side effects. I’ve experimented with different foods being cut out, different ones being increased, and changing the times I take the medication. Guess what? It doesn’t matter. None of it does. No matter what I do, about mid-day every day for 1 – 3 hours, I’m in digestive hell. Thank God I work in a large trailer and have quick access to a bathroom at any given moment. Seriously, it will kick you in the gut so fast that you risk explosive results if you sneeze. NOT FUN. Whatever though, if this helps me have a baby then it’s worth it.

Marriage – We’re getting closer to that too. I know we’ve only been together 6 months, but we both know this is it. I don’t think either one of us has ever been so sure of anything in our lives. We just have different wedding desires, but the more we talk about it, the more we’re both bending. My biggest issue is the money. We also discovered that I think we should pick our own rings out and get what we want. He didn’t like this idea until he found out how simple and low cost my ideal ring is. That, and my mom had me try on my grandma and great grandma’s rings and we discovered big diamonds look ridiculous on my short fingers. And while we talk about it so plainly, I still want some romance and I still want a proposal from him on his own when he’s ready. The funny thing is, I’ve always been more prepared and ready for a baby than I have for a wedding so I suppose everything is going in the course it should with us.

Work – I’ve been working harder this year than I ever have in the four years prior. Hard to believe I’ve been there five years, but I think I’ve finally found my groove. Everything is second nature to me now and when things change, I’m changing right along with it. I think it helps that I’ve got such an amazing crew to work with on this project and they’re going to carry on into the next project that just started. I think now that I’ve got my groove, know my job back and forth, and finally have a good crew, I’ll be able to handle whatever comes next. I even feel comfortable with having to move somewhere should they need me to do so.

Overall I’m happy. Like really deliriously happy the vast majority of the time. I feel good despite the digestive disruptions the medication puts me on. I’m please with the direction everything is going. I’ve calmed down about the time line and no longer stressed out about Dean making a decision because we kind of already have. I know life is going to move at the speed it’s supposed to and I’ve accepted that. Fuck tradition. I’m doing this my way.