If I blogged more often, I wouldn’t constantly feel like I’m catching up. The last few weeks in a nutshell: road trip to Boston area with Dean for a wedding, 3 weeks of arguing with Dean and near ending of relationship, removed my head from my ass after shocking realization about myself, honeymoon status restored with the male, hanging out with several couples that are either his friends or mine, and a diagnosis on the reproductive system. Let’s focus on that last one.
After a year and a half of back and forth, two doctors, and various tests, it turns out that I do have PCOS.
At this point I don’t think I can even be upset by it. I do, I don’t, I do, I don’t. All I’ve concluded over the last year and a half is that PCOS is a diagnosis tossed out pretty regularly. It’s the ADD of fertility. I’ve also discovered there is no sure fire test that says point blank “hey you’ve got fucked up ovaries!” Whatever. Maybe because I already went through the initial shock of it last summer, I didn’t flip out this time. Maybe I’m in denial thinking they’ll tell me they’re wrong. I have other symptoms and quite frankly it explains a lot of other things. I guess just having an answer at this point is what’s keeping me from losing my mind so I’ve taken a leap of faith and I’ve decided to just accept it and deal with it.
I say all that now, but that paragraph above took an entire week to accept and write.
I am going to great lengths to stay as positive about this as possible. I can’t change it, there isn’t a cure, and I’m stuck with it. It’s treatable though and I have a good doctor willing to work with me as I am. She thinks it’s great that I’ve decided to be proactive about this and start now rather than wait any further and she’s optimistic.
I don’t have to make huge changes in my life for her to treat me right now either. I have to stay on my current progesterone dosage and now add metformin to the mix. Plus side of that is it has been known to aid in weight loss for some women. Downside is apparently a very urgent need to spend quality time with the porcelain gods and as I’ve learned over the week it also comes with random bouts of very violent stomach cramps and gas pressure. I’ll take the pain over the squirts though. I’ve been told this is totally normal and will be over in a few weeks once my body fully adjusts to it. Oh yay.
Dean has been phenomenal. Encouraging and supportive. This is the way it should be though. If you decide to have a baby with someone and you actively pursue it, you need to be supportive of each other and be willing to sit through the rough moments. He is there for everything, listens to my rants, worries when I double over with stomach pain, makes me feel better, and has made some big commitments that I consider a fair compromise for now. He still hasn’t weighed in either way on his decision about moving in, but the current situation is livable and I accept it. For now.
Meanwhile, I’ve stopped worrying about who knows and who he tells. He’s excited about it and wants to be a father so why should I hinder that? The thing I made him promise was that once I actually get pregnant, he’s not supposed to tell ANYONE until I get to a certain point. He agreed and I’m good with that. The irony? I don’t want anyone in my family knowing anything. No one outside my mom and stepdad. Friends know but I’m closer to my friends than I am to my family. I don’t even talk to most of my family.
I never thought I’d be one of those women that has to chart her ovulation, take her temperature, and go on medications to try and have a baby, but at least I have those options. I also have a good man to go through it all with me and that’s really all you can ask for.
Now I just need an egg to drop into my uterus!