The reason things had been tense between Dean and I lately is because we made a huge life decision. That life decision?
We decided to go for it and have a baby.
Yup. The decision was made after some pretty careful consideration. I tossed out every bad scenario I could think of and Dean, being the dreamer, was happy go lucky about it. Me, being the over thinking logical thinker, was working out every possible scenario I could and preparing for everything I possibly could. That’s why he and I work together though. We balance each other out.
We didn’t make the effort to TRY try, but we pulled the goalie from the net. There was never any protection with us, but now suddenly there was a proactive effort to make sure things stayed in place so to speak. Timing wasn’t working out though so it was giving me more time to really decide and make decisions.
Everything that goes into having a baby was already weighing heavily on my mind. Certain things I was absolutely sure of. Some things I had no clue on. Some things I figured we’d decide as we went. Suffice to say, everything was trapped in my cranium and I was already on thought overload.
Then something he said in a fight sent me over the edge and rocked my foundation to the core. POOF! Decisions have to be made NOW! Why? because I can’t calm down without a decision! I have to KNOW and I have to know NOW damn it! As if that were not enough, shit just isn’t happening now!!!!! The very real reality of it all though was how the fuck are we going to get pregnant if A.) he’s not here when I’m ovulating B.) we don’t live together and C.) we don’t truly know what we’re doing???
Suddenly I went from “lets get pregnant and move in together” to “woah there fucker, put a ring on it before you put your dick in me again.” Crass, but that is truly what happened in my brain in the course of an hour.
I’ve since calmed down such intense thinking and compromise was issued on my end. After all, this is a partnership. This is not a dictatorship. The control freak in me had to ease up and the childish fighter in him had to back off a bit. Eventually I relented and settled on us moving in together. If we did, I’d go to the doctor and find out what my options were, how to actively TRY for a baby at home without drugs, and find out what preliminary tests we could take before going down any serious fertility roads.
Well guess what happened next? I missed my period entirely. More than that, my hormones went absolutely apeshit. Some where between getting sick as a dog, coming back from vacation, being on meds, and having 3 women start working with me in the course of 45 days, my normal uterine activity went on holiday. I’m almost positive the 3 women’s cycles have altered mine because I’ve never been the alpha female when it comes to periods, but since I want a baby and since I’m fast approaching 30, this is minor cause for alarm. Doctor’s appointment moved up. Time to find out whats up with the womb!
But things were still not resolved with Dean. In fact, we had another minor tiff over it and I was told I was pushing too hard. Who me? The person who can’t let up? The person who has to know everything right this minute?? SHOCKING! So after a long talk with a male friend of mine, I backed the fuck off. I said nothing. I decided to give him a few weeks to think it out and figure out how he felt. I can’t push this and he needs to have some control in this too. With much effort, I backed the fuck off… and it paid off.
I am happy to report that we’ve finally talked things out to a much deeper level and addressed our mutual fears about moving in together. We’ve discussed our jobs, the traffic it would require to make this happen, the little details about my living conditions/lease terms, the pet situation, where clothes go, and finances. We got into a very detailed conversation and it was no longer a monologue of me pleading. It was a dialog of interaction and it was good.
It’s possible that he finally realized all the things I’ve been doing over the last 2 months are in an effort to move US forward, not just clean my place up. I’ve been planning out how to make room for Dean AND a baby. I’ve also set my heart on all of this being temporary. I don’t want us all crammed into this place for more than a year! I want us to save money, find a place we’d both be happy in together, and start our life with as little debt as possible. I want us to make that one year of sacrifice and maybe be moderately unhappy for a while to have a stronger foundation for our future.
I know you can’t plan life out. There will always be hiccups and there will always be bumps. But you CAN think things through and get a grip on reality before you plunge into massive decisions. The best thing you can do is try and have options in your head just in case the worst happens.
The final decision hasn’t been made, but I can honestly say that I’m feeling positive. I’m mildly happy about the idea of living with a man again. I am happy about having a future with someone I truly love. And I’m extremely happy (and grateful) that I have someone in my life that not only talks it out with me, but also makes decisions with me for our future. I’ve hit the jackpot with this man.
EDIT: thanks to Deb for pointing out yet another thing I’ve left out in a post…
Marriage is a definite with us. The problem is we don’t agree on the wedding portion of it. He wants one and I don’t. I will get into this later, but we’re not necessarily going in “the right order” and that’s absolutely fine with me. I never honestly thought I would.