rocky road


Once upon a time, I made a vow to not ever blog when I was hormonal, in the middle of a fight, or when drunk. So far I’ve managed to obey this rule this year, but I won’t lie… it’s been a little rocky with Dean as of late.

I had this really great vacation, but then I came home sick and was thrown on double antibiotics for sinusitis and a UTI. Well as every woman knows, antibiotics cause other problems and double antibiotics seem to make it even worse. Up until this year, I had only ever experienced one very mild yeast infection. This year? Two from hell.

My point? I was sick as fuck, had a UTI on top of it, and then the cure for both of these caused a yeast infection. If you didn’t already guess it, when the vagina is unhappy the woman who owns it ends up miserable as well.

But is that really the issue? No, not even close. It’s just making me miserable on top of my over-thinking on top of decision making on top of work on top of stress on top of hormonal issues. Essentially, I’ve been a miserable cuntbag and I’ve had a hard time keeping it in check with Dean. In fact, a week after we got back from the beach, we had a fight and ended up staying apart from each other. It was the first time since we started dating that we were apart for such a long time and it was rough. We seem to only ever fight over the phone too and those fights are truly awful. He also loves to fight and hates to lose so he’ll get downright evil if he has to just to win. The problem with that? Some of the shit he says implants in my brain and germinates into full blown spiraling and changes my entire point of view. let’s just say he learned the hard way that he can’t throw a bullshit sentence out to me just to hurt me or try to win, because ultimately it bites him in the ass.

Oh, but all this has a further point…

Dean and I have had some deep thoughts and we’ve decided we want to start a family and get married. The problem with that is the logistics of it all aren’t sinking in and now it’s come to the point where big decisions need to be made before any progress can be made. I’ve argued my case and put my foot down on a few points. I’ve compromised on others. Now the ball is in his court to make a choice and decide the current path of the future. It’s a lot for him to take in and I understand this, but I’m very impatient.

I’m also a walking bag of hormones and my menstrual cycle has been completely blown away two months in a row due to 3 new women starting work in my office in the last 45 days. Clearly I’m NOT the alpha female in this group and working in a trailer as the only woman for 9 months then suddenly having 3 other cycles in there is wreaking havoc on my body. Dean constantly hopes my fucked up periods will result in pregnancy which is actually quite nice to hear and feel. It’s just not been the result yet.

Lately the coping method for all of this has been to drown in reading and I chose to start reading the Harry Potter books for the first time. What a perfect mental vacation!

So there you have it… there’s a LOT on my mind, I’ve been having a hell of a time catching back up at work, and things were a little dicey there with my mate. It seems to have all sorted itself out now though and life has resumed it’s normal course. Now I just need to catch up on blogs, post some beach pictures, and finish the Harry Potter books!

Side note: discovered this past weekend that I am almost as happy with reading in bed together for hours on end as I am with hot passionate make up sex. The combination of the two things in one day? Ecstasy.


4 responses »

  1. Relationships are always hard, always changing, but with the right person totally worth it. Even when things have been bad with Dean you seem happier than when you were with the last two guys.

    Harry Potter books always make me feel better. 🙂 Hope everything cycle wise regulates soon.

    Your future is so awesome. I can’t wait to hear about it one day at a time. ❤

  2. Oy Vey! I know from reading you that your childhood and parents didn’t show you a fairytale marriage. So what makes you think that any relationship would be without issues? I think you need to understand that a fight, disagreement, hurtful words, downright nastiness happens. It happens when you love someone to the end of the earth and when they worship the ground you walk on. Simply because life gets in the way… I think you know this, but I need to say it. HE IS NOT WALKING AWAY. He is not going to hurt you because Chet did. He is not going to hurt you because all the others did. YOu have to wipe the slate clean and forget about what all the others before him did and love like it is the very first time and that you will never get hurt.

    Doing this opens yourself up for a massive heart ache if he does. But not doing it robs you of a great love!

    Cheesy and crazy thought I know.

    Scott and I we fight HARD. But at the end of the day if anyone is going to call me a selfish worthless peice of shit, I want it to be him. He is the only person I want to fight with. We are so dysfunctional its not even funny so maybe I should keep my mouth shut, but he loves me and I love him and we love each other inspite of all of our flaws. I want you to have that kind of love where the man loves you even when you are a crazy hormonal, grumpy, sick little witch! I want you to love him even when he says things just to hurt you and win the fight. I want you to learn that if winning a fight is something you can give him that makles him happy, that sometimes just knowing you were right and he was wrong, but you let him have it anyway, sometimes that is a beautiful gift. Being right/winning isn’t everything and I think it is easier for women to learn that than men.

    Sorry…too much coffee and a need to have diarrhea of the fingers!

    • I completely understand what you’re saying, but I don’t expect perfection. I’m just really not used to this stuff. I feel like an idiot saying I’m not used to fighting, but I’m not. With the other ones it was always avoid it because I either ended up hit or abandoned.

      I don’t love fighting by any means, but he does. It’s just the adjustment phase. But there are some things you just don’t say to each other and every now and then, he crosses that line. This one comment in particular was a very bad one and it left a lasting mark.

      But the thing I appreciate is we do talk it all out and we do discuss it after the fact. I HATE ending a call in anger and since all of this is over the phone, we end up resolving it quickly. Just somethings linger with me. I’m working on it.

      I think I need to elaborate a bit further in another blog post though because this wasn’t the point I was getting across.

      And you’re right, he’s not leaving, but that is definitely my fear. Even my mom has given me shit about that one.

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