Monthly Archives: September 2010

fight club

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Being vague never works. In fact, Dean considers my vagueness to be “cryptic” and to him, being cryptic is equal to lying. To me, being vague is just my way of glossing over the little details that don’t mean shit in the long run. That difference of opinion is what lead to our first big fight. And it’s what lead to confusion about my last entry.

Fighting is something I hate. I grew up with nothing but fighting all around me. My parents were VERY young when they had me and my brother. They were married, had two kids, and divorced by the time they were 27/28. I was a toddler when they split. My only memories of my parents together are angry and violent and blurry. Then they split and girlfriends, boyfriends, and eventually stepparents came along. There was nothing but fighting. Nothing but petty bullshit always around them. Always arguing over custody, visitation, and who to bring around their kids. You think I have one single memory of my parents being happy? EVER? Nope!

And then, if my parents weren’t fighting with each other, they were fighting with my stepparents. There’s a reason my dad is on wife #4 and mom is on husband #2. Who the fuck knows if any of these relationships will last either. I think my mom and stepdad actually will, but I always question my dad and his wives. The second one, well I got a brother out of it so not a total loss. But the third one was such a horrible person that she earned the title of Stepmonster and eventually Stepcunt. She was/is pure evil.

You know what happens when your parents fight all the time and you’re left in charge of your younger sibling? You know what happens when you’re surrounded by hate and anger ALL THE TIME? You end up fighting with your sibling until you damn near kill each other. (Seriously, it was near death twice.) Eventually in high school, my brother and I stopped trying to kill each other and became very good friends. That was due to the loss of our stepbrother though. Story for another time.

Straight out of high school, I then proceeded to get involved with someone who I later found out was sexually abused as a child and as a result of that and my own inexperience, I let him do a lot of shit to me I shouldn’t have. He later became violent and physically abusive. We fought a lot and towards the end, those fights ended with me all bruised up. I took a 5 year break after that guy and then got involved with someone I later found out was emotionally abusive! Our fights only happened in the beginning of the relationship because I found out that if I dared to fight back, he would just leave and shut me out for anywhere from 1 to 3 weeks. He’d randomly vanish on me and go into lockdown mode for up to a month too if things got too tough. So essentially, I got involved with two abusive men for a combined total of 5 years and both of these men made fighting something I never ever wanted.

Now I’m with someone who loves to argue. To say that this is an adjustment phase with Dean is an understatement.

He loves to start fights, get his anger out, and move on. I fucking HATE fighting. I’m always afraid that one bad fight too many will result in the man leaving me. Why wouldn’t I have that fear???? Look at my parents! Look at my last two relationships! I don’t want it in my life anymore. I want to walk away from it. I will hold my tongue and be 100% silent if it means avoiding an argument.

A fighter and a non-fighter. This is not a working system.

The first couple fights with Dean were admittedly my fault. I have a lot to learn about being with a normal above average man who wants to know every detail, doesn’t want me to be vague, has issues of his own, and wants to grow together. It’s just that his method of getting to the change is to fight over it and my method is to talk it out. Guess who’s way ends up happening?

But the thing is, after these fights, I’ve changed my ways. That is not something he ever anticipated either. He never thought he’d be with a woman who could admit she was wrong and not only that, fix the things that made her wrong. He wasn’t asking for much, just an alternate way of speaking to him and making sure I was totally open with him. So once the confusion was over and the crying and yelling was over with, understand occurred and things changed. This is what every woman dreams of! This is the holy grail of relationships! Have a problem and resolve it! Who knew?!

I’ve started to appreciate the fighting between us for it’s true purpose of movement and growth. I don’t love it though. Especially now that I know what levels he’ll stoop to in order to win and argument even when he’s 100% wrong and *I* was the one who had the issue and he was totally in the doghouse. Don’t get me wrong… he’s been utterly amazing to me and he’s held his head up high when I’ve been a basket of hormonal rage or crippling sadness. He’s been there to hold an ice pack on the back of my neck while I sit on the toilet delirious with a fever. It was just one stupid misunderstanding that lead to another fight that lead to a weekend apart. He took that low road and it bit him in the ass because in the long run, something he said caused me to think too much and change my entire attitude. He scared the fuck out of me and that fear germinated into something else he wasn’t prepared for. Now he’s stuck with having to make a big decision. (And I WILL address this in another entry.)

In the end, we always end up talking things out, making changes, and helping each other understand what happened so we don’t do it again. In the end, I know he won’t just leave. I know this is all healthy and normal. I know I’m the one who has to make the changes internally to get past my fears. It’s just not easy and it takes a little trial and error to get through it.

rocky road

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Once upon a time, I made a vow to not ever blog when I was hormonal, in the middle of a fight, or when drunk. So far I’ve managed to obey this rule this year, but I won’t lie… it’s been a little rocky with Dean as of late.

I had this really great vacation, but then I came home sick and was thrown on double antibiotics for sinusitis and a UTI. Well as every woman knows, antibiotics cause other problems and double antibiotics seem to make it even worse. Up until this year, I had only ever experienced one very mild yeast infection. This year? Two from hell.

My point? I was sick as fuck, had a UTI on top of it, and then the cure for both of these caused a yeast infection. If you didn’t already guess it, when the vagina is unhappy the woman who owns it ends up miserable as well.

But is that really the issue? No, not even close. It’s just making me miserable on top of my over-thinking on top of decision making on top of work on top of stress on top of hormonal issues. Essentially, I’ve been a miserable cuntbag and I’ve had a hard time keeping it in check with Dean. In fact, a week after we got back from the beach, we had a fight and ended up staying apart from each other. It was the first time since we started dating that we were apart for such a long time and it was rough. We seem to only ever fight over the phone too and those fights are truly awful. He also loves to fight and hates to lose so he’ll get downright evil if he has to just to win. The problem with that? Some of the shit he says implants in my brain and germinates into full blown spiraling and changes my entire point of view. let’s just say he learned the hard way that he can’t throw a bullshit sentence out to me just to hurt me or try to win, because ultimately it bites him in the ass.

Oh, but all this has a further point…

Dean and I have had some deep thoughts and we’ve decided we want to start a family and get married. The problem with that is the logistics of it all aren’t sinking in and now it’s come to the point where big decisions need to be made before any progress can be made. I’ve argued my case and put my foot down on a few points. I’ve compromised on others. Now the ball is in his court to make a choice and decide the current path of the future. It’s a lot for him to take in and I understand this, but I’m very impatient.

I’m also a walking bag of hormones and my menstrual cycle has been completely blown away two months in a row due to 3 new women starting work in my office in the last 45 days. Clearly I’m NOT the alpha female in this group and working in a trailer as the only woman for 9 months then suddenly having 3 other cycles in there is wreaking havoc on my body. Dean constantly hopes my fucked up periods will result in pregnancy which is actually quite nice to hear and feel. It’s just not been the result yet.

Lately the coping method for all of this has been to drown in reading and I chose to start reading the Harry Potter books for the first time. What a perfect mental vacation!

So there you have it… there’s a LOT on my mind, I’ve been having a hell of a time catching back up at work, and things were a little dicey there with my mate. It seems to have all sorted itself out now though and life has resumed it’s normal course. Now I just need to catch up on blogs, post some beach pictures, and finish the Harry Potter books!

Side note: discovered this past weekend that I am almost as happy with reading in bed together for hours on end as I am with hot passionate make up sex. The combination of the two things in one day? Ecstasy.

froggy throat

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It wasn’t a cold I was fighting off before my vacation… it was the explosion of a UTI. I’m some sort of freak of nature in that I get these horrific UTIs but I lack the burning pee sensation so it’s never obvious. Well this is the second it’s happened where I’m exhausted, fatigued, sick all the time, randomly fevery, full of back pain, etc. for weeks and weeks on end. The first one went on 2 months, this one went on about 6 weeks. I finally have a note in my chart to check for UTI’s first.

So being all stressed out for a few weeks, having a UTI ready to explode into hell, and being in a house that’s hit its expiration level left me open to getting a sore throat from Dean. That exploded into what I thought was strep but now don’t know for sure if it is. I had white patches but they’re gone and now the doc thinks it’s sinusitis. Still waiting on the damn throat culture, but she gave me something that will treat sinusitis AND strep so I’m covered. Finally.

Okay so the point of this? I came home from the beach REALLY fucking sick and I’m still miserable.

But the vacation was really really awesome and I have much to tell… and I will soon. With pictures!

following earl

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Over the last week, my stress levels plummeted. The monthly bill got out the door, I remembered to tell Dean about WHY things were so stressful, I knocked my to-do list out at work, and I even managed to start my vacation packing early.

Maybe it was because I knew I had a vacation coming and maybe it wasn’t, but whatever it was it made my stress drop… just in time to catch a cold! I’m fighting it off like you wouldn’t believe right now because I’m also packing for my first vacation in a year. Last year was the worst vacation I ever took. It was less than a month after the miscarriage, towards what I now know was the end of my relationship with Chet, and pretty much everything that could go wrong DID go wrong.

This year it’s already off to a better start. I am with someone who makes me feel like I am everything in the world and someone I love that loves me back. It’s his first trip and my umpteenth to the Outer Banks. Currently Hurricane Earl is also headed there. I’m not worried about it though. This morning it was a category 4 and now it’s a category 2. Where we stay is north of Hatteras and that is where it looks to hit the hardest. But at a category 2, it won’t devastate the area. Either way, it doesn’t matter. Earl is there now and will be through that area by tomorrow mid day. I don’t even leave till Saturday. I have a million things to do tonight through tomorrow and then I drop my dog off, goo see my man, spend one lovely night with him, and then we are OFF!

It’ll be our first vacation and I get to see my brother. I haven’t seen him since December. I can’t wait to see him. He’s grown up significantly in the last year and being in Asheville has been a wonderful thing to him. We’ve been emailing and randomly talking on the phone and that cocky little punk is melting away into one hell of a mature man. I can’t wait for him to meet Dean and I can’t wait to spend the week on the sand with my family and the love of my life…. so I better get my ass in gear and finish packing!

I’ll be back in a week and this time? yeah this time I’m posting pictures when I get back.