back up plan

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Since my meltdown over the weekend, my attitude has changed quite a bit. I took a massive risk by not only falling apart, but also by asking Dean for help. Turns out that risk paid off. Suddenly I feel okay. I feel like I can tackle anything because I know that should I crumble, I DO have someone to lean that will help me put myself back together. Knowing I have that back up has made it infinitely easier to not even fall apart.

The timing of this could not have been better because this week has been a complete challenge.

I love my job. I mean it, I really love my job. I work with some incredible people and more often than not, I go home feeling satisfied and accomplished. I feel challenged and I feel like I’m actually contributing something to the team. For the first time in my 5 years with this company, I actually feel like part of the team and not just a supporting cast member who gets no credit like I have in the past on other projects.

Maybe it was because of how good I was feeling or maybe it was because I have a hard time asking for help, but either way at some point in the last two months, I hit a wall. I started getting overwhelmed very fast and started falling behind rapidly. When this happens, I lose my motivation. The work piles up so fast that before long the task feels insurmountable and I look at the ever-growing piles of things to be done and I just can’t move. I become frozen and don’t want to do anything. I end up fucking off at work when I should be working! This is exactly the opposite of what I need to be doing and it makes everything worse.

So after having a few too many breakdowns, realizing that my stress levels were messing with my body, and finally seeing that all this was effecting my relationship with Superman Dean, I finally asked for help. She started on Monday and so far she’s been extremely helpful even if what she’s doing is really basic simple catch up work. Knowing I won’t be slammed with all that catch up work when I get back from vacation? PRICELESS.

Between the sudden help and knowing that I have someone to rely on for once, I have managed to get through one of the hardest monthly billing procedures I’ve ever gone through this week. Bossman was in rare form the other day and while it made my workload even harder, I can’t argue with his points because they’re all valid. It just sucked because our finance system fell into a pool of molasses the day before and has been extremely slow ever since and made everything take 3 times as long to complete.

That meant I couldn’t just instantly fix all the problems so the frustration grew and grew and grew. But I didn’t cry! I almost did, but I managed to prevent the tears from falling. I didn’t yell! I didn’t walk out silently without speaking to anyone! I didn’t have a breakdown over the bill!!!!!!!! Granted, I’m not done yet and there’s one more day left, but I know the final stage is the easiest stage and *gasp* I actually have time to pull it together without rushing!

I really feel like the reason I’m holding it together is because I know I have the option of falling apart. It’s like when I spiral downward and need to have back up plans to keep my head level. Dean is my support and my back up plan for now and that’s enough to get by. Now I just need my own back up plan.

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