the downward spiral clause

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While I do appreciate spontaneity here and there, over all I’m a total planner. Part of this came about as a solution from a therapist once upon a time when I was diagnosed with moderate OCD. One of the things I do is worry and worry and think and think and think until I lose my mind. This would happen for days on end and I’d lose sleep over it. So now, rather than spiral out of control, I come up with possible solutions. I usually need one solid plan and one or two back up plans.

Keeping that in mind, it should come as no surprise that the minute Dean and I started talking about a future, my brain kicked into over drive.

My lease ends December 2010. My job site is running through October 2011. We have x amount of money to pay for a wedding. I have X amount of support from X amount of people. Between us, we have 100 people to invite to a wedding. He wants this scenario, I want the opposite. My truck is paid off in June 2011. If he moves in with me for this time frame, I’ll move to where ever he wants at the end of that time frame. If I got pregnant in ______ the baby would be ______ months old max before the next lease is up. I have 3 months maternity leave as of January 1st, 2 of which are paid. We have X amount of time to save up X amount of money to move to a bigger place. We would move to _____.

And on and on and on. If, if, if. Pending, pending, pending. Blah, blah, blah.

In my head, I have 3 different scenarios lined up depending on what happens first and when it happens. This is all pending reality of course, but without that kind of potential planning, I can’t function. I will spiral down until I have a solution. If it’s something I can control (IE: getting pregnant and planning somewhat for how to raise our spawn the first few months) then it’s easier on me. When something happens thats out of my control? Holy shit, look out.

But this is why I love Dean so much… he’s a problem solver. He instantly swoops into action the minute something happens. He doesn’t plan future for shit, but he is phenomenal with the instant falling apart.

Case in point: when my ball joint popped out of the boot while driving.
My reaction went something along the lines of “oh God, I’m gonna miss work Monday. How am I gonna get home? How am I gonna pay for this? What am I gonna do? Who can drive me where? How much time off do I have left? Is it safe to drive back? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!”
His reaction was more along the lines of instantly calling the repair guy to bring his welder in Monday morning to fix it (instead of the original plan of Tuesday evening) then calling his father to see if he had an extra car to borrow, then ordering the part. All of this in the 30 minutes I was spiraling out of control in my head.

On the surface my face scrunched and I was on the verge of crying. When we went to grab some food, he told me in the restaurant “you’re not allowed to be negative right now” and just flat out would not let me spiral any further. The solution was in hand, the secondary solution was also in hand, and he kept me on the positive side of things.

So as it turns out, I met and fell in love with someone who compliments my weak points and highlights my strong points. When I think about THAT fact, I know deep down that everything is going to be fine as long as we have each other. No matter what the situation, we’ll figure it out and not be stuck. One day my spiraling may even cease to exist.

I hope.

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4 responses »

  1. I hope you never quit the spiralling, that is what makes you ….well you. I am thankful however that you have found a strong partner in Dean, that is exactly what you need!

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