In so many ways, this is the greatest relationship I could ever imagine. It’s easy in so many of the big ways… and then in some ways, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life.
It’s like being dirt poor your entire life and living a life of poverty, but then one day you win the lottery and have millions. I can understand how those people declare bankruptcy a year later. You grow accustomed to a certain life and then one day it completely changes. After a decade of knowing nothing but relationship poverty, I’m suddenly swimming in millions and I don’t know what to do with myself.
It’s not a complaint in any way, it’s just I don’t have a fucking clue what I’m doing. You always hear the financial gurus saying the first thing lottery winners need to do is to get a financial adviser. Alright, well where the fuck is the relationship adviser who’s there to slap the phone out of your hand when you say something stupid? Where’s the adviser holding your hand assuring you this investment is not going to blow up in your face if you say the wrong sentence and say “it’s okay, dear, go ahead and put everything you’ve got into this one stock” and know it’s truth because they’ve helped others succeed?
The answer is there is no relationship advisor. You’re on your own and you have to put everything you have into that one stock because if you don’t, you’re not being fair to either of you. If you’re serious about someone, it’s all or nothing. You can’t save up your best side for a rainy day… you have to show it early and keep it out there for the duration if you’re going to survive. The stock will rise and fall as things change so better pray you’re mature enough to figure shit out and have a partner willing to do the same.
I know I’m fucking up and I know I’m making mistakes. I thought I was making all the right choices too, but then there are moments where I wish I hadn’t opened up. I wish I hadn’t let that much crazy out of the bag yet. I wish I hadn’t had that meltdown. I wish I didn’t have someone to rely on. I wish I had kept my fucking mouth shut. You think those patterns shift overnight? No fucking way. You can make the effort to change them fast, but it’s going to take a mis-step here or there to get it perfected and those little mishaps are fucking brutal.
Right now I feel like my efforts are nowhere near good enough and that I’m just a massive fuck up. Yeah, there’s a lot of drama in that sentence and 99% of it is complete bullshit, but the feelings are there and the self doubt is high. I kind of want to scream “do I get any credit for ANYTHING I’ve done?” but that’s not how life works. You want recognition for your efforts, but the truth is you never get that recognition until you stop seeking it out. That rule applies to everything in life.
I know being with someone else is supposed to be about trial and error, forgiving the past, and moving forward and growing together. I know all that!!! It’s just that right now I’m struggling to figure out how I’m not going to squander my newfound fortune because if I’m not careful, I’m going to end up declaring emotional bankruptcy.