Monthly Archives: August 2010

lottery

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In so many ways, this is the greatest relationship I could ever imagine. It’s easy in so many of the big ways… and then in some ways, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life.

It’s like being dirt poor your entire life and living a life of poverty, but then one day you win the lottery and have millions. I can understand how those people declare bankruptcy a year later. You grow accustomed to a certain life and then one day it completely changes. After a decade of knowing nothing but relationship poverty, I’m suddenly swimming in millions and I don’t know what to do with myself.

It’s not a complaint in any way, it’s just I don’t have a fucking clue what I’m doing. You always hear the financial gurus saying the first thing lottery winners need to do is to get a financial adviser. Alright, well where the fuck is the relationship adviser who’s there to slap the phone out of your hand when you say something stupid? Where’s the adviser holding your hand assuring you this investment is not going to blow up in your face if you say the wrong sentence and say “it’s okay, dear, go ahead and put everything you’ve got into this one stock” and know it’s truth because they’ve helped others succeed?

The answer is there is no relationship advisor. You’re on your own and you have to put everything you have into that one stock because if you don’t, you’re not being fair to either of you. If you’re serious about someone, it’s all or nothing. You can’t save up your best side for a rainy day… you have to show it early and keep it out there for the duration if you’re going to survive. The stock will rise and fall as things change so better pray you’re mature enough to figure shit out and have a partner willing to do the same.

I know I’m fucking up and I know I’m making mistakes. I thought I was making all the right choices too, but then there are moments where I wish I hadn’t opened up. I wish I hadn’t let that much crazy out of the bag yet. I wish I hadn’t had that meltdown. I wish I didn’t have someone to rely on. I wish I had kept my fucking mouth shut. You think those patterns shift overnight? No fucking way. You can make the effort to change them fast, but it’s going to take a mis-step here or there to get it perfected and those little mishaps are fucking brutal.

Right now I feel like my efforts are nowhere near good enough and that I’m just a massive fuck up. Yeah, there’s a lot of drama in that sentence and 99% of it is complete bullshit, but the feelings are there and the self doubt is high. I kind of want to scream “do I get any credit for ANYTHING I’ve done?” but that’s not how life works. You want recognition for your efforts, but the truth is you never get that recognition until you stop seeking it out. That rule applies to everything in life.

I know being with someone else is supposed to be about trial and error, forgiving the past, and moving forward and growing together. I know all that!!! It’s just that right now I’m struggling to figure out how I’m not going to squander my newfound fortune because if I’m not careful, I’m going to end up declaring emotional bankruptcy.

back up plan

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Since my meltdown over the weekend, my attitude has changed quite a bit. I took a massive risk by not only falling apart, but also by asking Dean for help. Turns out that risk paid off. Suddenly I feel okay. I feel like I can tackle anything because I know that should I crumble, I DO have someone to lean that will help me put myself back together. Knowing I have that back up has made it infinitely easier to not even fall apart.

The timing of this could not have been better because this week has been a complete challenge.

I love my job. I mean it, I really love my job. I work with some incredible people and more often than not, I go home feeling satisfied and accomplished. I feel challenged and I feel like I’m actually contributing something to the team. For the first time in my 5 years with this company, I actually feel like part of the team and not just a supporting cast member who gets no credit like I have in the past on other projects.

Maybe it was because of how good I was feeling or maybe it was because I have a hard time asking for help, but either way at some point in the last two months, I hit a wall. I started getting overwhelmed very fast and started falling behind rapidly. When this happens, I lose my motivation. The work piles up so fast that before long the task feels insurmountable and I look at the ever-growing piles of things to be done and I just can’t move. I become frozen and don’t want to do anything. I end up fucking off at work when I should be working! This is exactly the opposite of what I need to be doing and it makes everything worse.

So after having a few too many breakdowns, realizing that my stress levels were messing with my body, and finally seeing that all this was effecting my relationship with Superman Dean, I finally asked for help. She started on Monday and so far she’s been extremely helpful even if what she’s doing is really basic simple catch up work. Knowing I won’t be slammed with all that catch up work when I get back from vacation? PRICELESS.

Between the sudden help and knowing that I have someone to rely on for once, I have managed to get through one of the hardest monthly billing procedures I’ve ever gone through this week. Bossman was in rare form the other day and while it made my workload even harder, I can’t argue with his points because they’re all valid. It just sucked because our finance system fell into a pool of molasses the day before and has been extremely slow ever since and made everything take 3 times as long to complete.

That meant I couldn’t just instantly fix all the problems so the frustration grew and grew and grew. But I didn’t cry! I almost did, but I managed to prevent the tears from falling. I didn’t yell! I didn’t walk out silently without speaking to anyone! I didn’t have a breakdown over the bill!!!!!!!! Granted, I’m not done yet and there’s one more day left, but I know the final stage is the easiest stage and *gasp* I actually have time to pull it together without rushing!

I really feel like the reason I’m holding it together is because I know I have the option of falling apart. It’s like when I spiral downward and need to have back up plans to keep my head level. Dean is my support and my back up plan for now and that’s enough to get by. Now I just need my own back up plan.

superman

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Apparently all I do in this blog is brag about the awesomeness that is my mate. At least it’s for good reason. Sometimes I think I appreciate my man about a million times more than most women do theirs because I’ve been through hell and back prior to Superman Dean.

Lately my stress levels have been through the roof. I hit the point at work where I took on a little too much responsibility and then some was just up and thrown on me. There isn’t much I can do about it either. On the one hand, I want the challenge and I love staying busy. On the other hand, I haven’t taken a real significant break since last December and haven’t been taking breaks along the way.

I can only take this for so long before I snap. Unfortunately I snap long before I even realize I’ve snapped. It’s taken several breakdowns and a meltdown here and there for one of my good friends and Dean to point out to me that it’s time to ask my boss for some temporary help. I finally did and she’s starting Monday, but just because the help is on the way doesn’t mean my relief has started. Knowing I have to train this person before the help can sink in is part of the problem.

With all of this stress comes a complete loss of control over myself. I’ve been trying for weeks to hide the majority of it from Dean, but here and there it’s slipped out. He’s been supportive in small (but very meaningful) ways and I don’t discount those at all, but I don’t think he even had a clue how bad it was getting.

Then this weekend I had the mother of all meltdowns. Dean started to get feisty with me over something tiny and I tried so hard to pull myself together and talk it out, but he held firm in his irritation and then I snapped. I literally crumbled to the floor and sat there crying because I just couldn’t take a single minute more. It’s safe to say that at this point Dean finally saw the full effect of everything going on and he joined me on the floor until I think I emptied my tear ducts entirely.

From there on out, he completely took care of me. The plans we had were axed and instead we just stuck with one. I wanted to go to Ikea and get a few pieces of furniture since I suddenly had the means to do so (recent credit card increase) and not only did he help me shop, but when we got home, Dean took my dog out, made me dinner, and then made me explode in bed. Today? Same thing. He assembled all the furniture I got, kept walking my dog every time she needed to go out, and kept blowing my mind in the sack.

He has really stepped up to support. It’s so foreign to me to be allowed to be weak for a minute or two. I have always had to be the strong one, but now I get to lean on someone. It means more to me than he could ever know. He’s my Superman and I’m Lois Lane.

the learning curve

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In every relationship, there’s a learning curve. With some relationships, that curve is sharp and steep and in others it’s gradual and slow. In a few, you get shoved off a cliff and hope that your parachute will open in time.

Up until Dean came along, my learning curve was that of the parachute route and if you go through that long enough, you start developing patterns you never wanted to develop.

I’ve been through a lot… a LOT.. but no relationship I’ve ever had was as difficult as the one with Chet. This isn’t to say that I don’t value the learning experience and haven’t taken home a huge lesson from it all, but given my chance to change things, I would have ended that relationship sooner.

There was no arguing because if I dared express my frustration or anger with something he did, he’d just up and leave my apartment and cut me off for a week or more. He didn’t have a phone, he rarely replied to emails, and never called me at work unless he needed something so if he decided to vanish on me, he would. I ended up walking on eggshells and stifling my feelings in order to avoid a fight. He never once told me he loved me. He never admitted feelings. Eventually everything got difficult and he even started to get mad at me for farting. I wish I was kidding.

Looking back I can’t help but wonder what the fuck I was thinking when I thought we could go the distance.

You know what the most fucked up thing about all this is? He was the the best relationship I’d ever had. He was the most difficult, but he was also the best so what the sweet blue fuck does that say about the ten years prior to him???

And then Dean came along and everything was so easy! It is such a breathe of fresh air to be with someone who speaks to me every day, keeps me on his mind, tells me he loves me, can’t stand to be apart from me, open, honest, wants to know everything about me… he’s everything I ever wanted in a man.

The problem? The problem is that over the last decade I’ve shoved myself into patterns that cater to the type of man who’s closed off, emotionally retarded, and angry. I haven’t learned how to bounce off of a good man and flow with it. In a way, I kind of flinch when the verbal moments get rough. I’m so groomed to the pattern of men breaking up with me or walking away and vanishing if I dare speak my mind that when Dean and I argue, I am absolutely terrified to the core of my being that he will walk away and never come back. I know deep down this is ridiculous and he wouldn’t do that, but this has happened to me my entire life with almost every man I know and not just in dating. Breaking this pattern is going to be a challenge.

The other challenge is learning how to speak properly to Dean. I’ve gotten so used to biting my tongue and holding back feelings for fear of saying the wrong thing, that I end up being vague. Dean interprets this as me being cryptic and to him being cryptic is intentional and a sign that I don’t trust him. Really it’s just me scrambling to find the words. I forget that I am allowed to say whatever the fuck I want, whine about my day, cry all I want, and tell him I’m mad at him for something. I’M ALLOWED TO DO THAT! More than allowed, I’m encouraged to do so. This is every woman’s wish and yet it scares the begeesus out of me.

Yet another challenge comes from the fact that unlike most men, Dean wants to talk about our arguments and make sure I understand why he’s upset and where I went wrong. Unlike most women, I want to fix the problem and correct my error so I don’t do it again. When he’s angry, he’s stubborn and doesn’t listen. He makes his decision and that’s that. I have to give him time to cool off, but when he says he need an hour, he really only needs one hour. When I’m upset I’m analytical and emotional and I need a lot more time to think it out. I don’t like to talk about it until I know exactly how, why, where, what, and who. To say it’s a challenge is an understatement.

So far in this relationship, we’ve had two very exhausting arguments and I’ve been left with eyelids so swollen you’d think I’d gone a few rounds in a boxing ring. But I’ve survived them!

What’s completely different about us though is that neither of hold grudges and when we express our issues, we fix them and don’t keep repeating our mistakes. Its this crazy awesome grown way to be and it’s awesome! It’s just getting there that’s difficult, but if the end result is passionate make up sex and a newfound sense of closeness… well then I think it’s safe to say that those exhausting several hour long arguments are completely and totally worth it.

Now I just want to get to the place where those arguments are fewer and father between and that is a learning curve I’m very comfortable with.

25 Things

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So I pulled a muscle in my back this morning and now I’m trapped in bed. Since my brain is clouded by muscle relaxers, you get a filler post because I saw it on another blog and I’m kinda bored. Here goes!

1. What did you do last night?
Had a bad day so I went and got these fuckawesome soft pillowy sugar cookies with orange flavored frosting, was going to add vodka to that mix, but ran out. Then got into an argument/talked to/made up with Dean, watched Big Bang Theory, and eventually went to bed. Exciting life I lead.

2. What time did you wake up today?
7:10 which means I overslept.

3. How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
30! I plan on an epic celebration and saying a hearty good riddance to my 20’s.

4. Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
In everything other than texting or IMing, I’m bordering on a grammar and spelling nazi.

5. Do you get along better with the same sex or the opposite sex?
It used to be the opposite sex, but as I get older I find myself getting along with anyone.

6. How did you get one of your scars?
Huskies have crazy claws and if you get to close when they’re in kangaroo kickboxing mode, they’ll get you. Suffice to say, I got my eyelid busted wide open by Nola one night and and now have a pirate-like scar on my lid.

7. Who was the last person you were annoyed with and why?
Some contractor who copped an attitude with me over the phone at work yesterday.

8. The last three songs you listened to were by who?
“Bad Things” Jace Everett, “Ruby” Kaiser Chiefs, “Beware” Deftones… in that order.

9. Do you prefer to sleep alone or with someone else?
ALONE? What’s that??? I believe this answers the question:

Thats my body curve in the middle and thats what happens when there’s no other human in the bed.

10. Do you know how to use any word(s) correctly, but not know the meaning?
Is that even possible? If you know how to appropriately use a word that implies you know it’s meaning.

11. Would you like a totally free bright red Porsche?
if you’re giving me the title along with it, then yes! I could use the cash I’d get from selling it.

12. Would you like to live in California?
Yes, but it would have to be near the beach then I could be a Cal-i-fornia Gurl. I hear they’re undeniable, unforgettable, fine, fresh, and fierce.

13. Do you know which US states don’t use Daylight Savings Time?
If memory serves, it’s Arizona and Hawaii

14. Would you rather swim in the ocean or a lake?
Ocean.

15. Do you wear a lot of black?
Somehow a lot of my work wardrobe ended up being black, but outside of work I don’t wear too much of it.

16. Can you dive into a pool, lake or other body of water without plugging your nose?
I can’t dive, but when I jump in feet first I don’t need to plug my nose.

17. What color is your razor?
Black and Silver.

18. How do you feel about carrots?
Delightful when uncooked, vile mushy evil when cooked. Also very entertaining since the dog will do tricks for them. Nola LOVES carrots.

19. How many chairs at the dinner table?
I don’t have a dinner table. I have a coffee table and a couch. I also live alone.

20. Do you know all the words to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Theme Song?
Yes, yes I do.

21. Did you just start singing or running the words through your head to the theme song to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?
Hahahaha, yeah.

22. Do you like John Mayer’s rendition of “Free Fallin’” originally done by Tom Petty?
Not even a little.

23. Would you shave your legs if you didn’t have to?
Probably because I honestly love how they feel when they’re shaved and silky smooth.

24. What celebrity gossip shows, websites, magazines, etc do you enjoy?
I don’t really. I just catch whatever hits the main stream news.

25. What’s your astrology sign?
Gemini… is that even remotely surprising?

the downward spiral clause

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While I do appreciate spontaneity here and there, over all I’m a total planner. Part of this came about as a solution from a therapist once upon a time when I was diagnosed with moderate OCD. One of the things I do is worry and worry and think and think and think until I lose my mind. This would happen for days on end and I’d lose sleep over it. So now, rather than spiral out of control, I come up with possible solutions. I usually need one solid plan and one or two back up plans.

Keeping that in mind, it should come as no surprise that the minute Dean and I started talking about a future, my brain kicked into over drive.

My lease ends December 2010. My job site is running through October 2011. We have x amount of money to pay for a wedding. I have X amount of support from X amount of people. Between us, we have 100 people to invite to a wedding. He wants this scenario, I want the opposite. My truck is paid off in June 2011. If he moves in with me for this time frame, I’ll move to where ever he wants at the end of that time frame. If I got pregnant in ______ the baby would be ______ months old max before the next lease is up. I have 3 months maternity leave as of January 1st, 2 of which are paid. We have X amount of time to save up X amount of money to move to a bigger place. We would move to _____.

And on and on and on. If, if, if. Pending, pending, pending. Blah, blah, blah.

In my head, I have 3 different scenarios lined up depending on what happens first and when it happens. This is all pending reality of course, but without that kind of potential planning, I can’t function. I will spiral down until I have a solution. If it’s something I can control (IE: getting pregnant and planning somewhat for how to raise our spawn the first few months) then it’s easier on me. When something happens thats out of my control? Holy shit, look out.

But this is why I love Dean so much… he’s a problem solver. He instantly swoops into action the minute something happens. He doesn’t plan future for shit, but he is phenomenal with the instant falling apart.

Case in point: when my ball joint popped out of the boot while driving.
My reaction went something along the lines of “oh God, I’m gonna miss work Monday. How am I gonna get home? How am I gonna pay for this? What am I gonna do? Who can drive me where? How much time off do I have left? Is it safe to drive back? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!”
His reaction was more along the lines of instantly calling the repair guy to bring his welder in Monday morning to fix it (instead of the original plan of Tuesday evening) then calling his father to see if he had an extra car to borrow, then ordering the part. All of this in the 30 minutes I was spiraling out of control in my head.

On the surface my face scrunched and I was on the verge of crying. When we went to grab some food, he told me in the restaurant “you’re not allowed to be negative right now” and just flat out would not let me spiral any further. The solution was in hand, the secondary solution was also in hand, and he kept me on the positive side of things.

So as it turns out, I met and fell in love with someone who compliments my weak points and highlights my strong points. When I think about THAT fact, I know deep down that everything is going to be fine as long as we have each other. No matter what the situation, we’ll figure it out and not be stuck. One day my spiraling may even cease to exist.

I hope.

time to make sticky!

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I haven’t written about sex in eons. Don’t worry, I’m not about to go into too much detail and write things out. Instead, I have say a few things about why my sex life is currently awesome. Nay, FUCKAWESOME.

I have a weird past when it comes to sex. Things that are not common knowledge: I lost my virginity to my first boyfriend only to later find out he was sexually fucked in the head, had been abused as a child, forced some crazy things on me, pressured me to do things I didn’t want to do, and eventually beat me up. Fun, right? Yeah, except not at all. So I went from him into a slut phase that lasted several years so I could figure out my sexuality. I succeeded and in the midst of it I met Stone. Oh the fun we had! If only he had been permanent. Alas, it was not meant to be so I decided to get serious again, met Chet, and thought I was going down that holy matrimony road.

Hindsight being 20/20 how the fuck could I spend my life with a man I was so sexually incompatible with? I shit you not, that man was my arch nemesis when it came to sex. He had the stamina of a virgin, the insecurity of a teenage girl when it came to his penis size, rejected my advances so many times I eventually stopped trying, refused to discuss our problems in the bedroom, never EVER responded to my naked photos or the explicit video I sent him, and one day told me I was no longer allowed to make jokes or anything and that “if it’s gonna happen, it will happen when I’m good and ready. It shouldn’t be planned out so stop talking about it.” Oh joy!

Now I have a man who not only frequently entices me verbally, but he will even teabag me when I’m on the phone with my mom just to get a laugh out of me. If an issue arises, we talk about it and let it go. He has absolutely NOTHING to worry about in the *ahem* size department and as far as stamina goes, I have a variety and therefore have absolutely zero complaints. I have someone I can talk to. Someone who will fuck me at the drop of a hat. Someone who I can show the goodie drawer to that won’t judge and will instead get a little excited about. Someone that will sit there and watch a really bad porno with me just for the hell of it. In other words, he’s the exact opposite of what I just left behind and is, in essence, my perfect match.

That, and he gives me multiple orgasms every single time he gets me naked. Could I ask for more? Probably not. There, I said it. I feel better now.