Monthly Archives: July 2010

the wheels on the truck go round and round

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Oy vey. The last 2 weeks have been a blur. Let’s see if I remember any of it…

On the 4th of July before heading to a delightful picnic with my mom, one of my tires got a hole in it. Actually, this was a hole that I got on the jobsite last summer and it was plugged. The plug had finally failed almost a year later. It was at this point I began to learn how valuable it is to date a man who is the assistant manager of a tire and auto parts shop/garage. Not only did he change my tire at lightning speed, but by the next day he had me applied for a line of credit through the franchise and POOF! New tires were ordered. I knew I needed new tires to pass safety anyway so this was not a surprise cost. Thank God for that line of credit though because $700 is a lot to digest… and those aren’t even the priciest ones!

The following weekend I went to visit my grandpa for breakfast and then headed to Dean’s shop to get the tires put on my truck. I got to watch him work and meet all the boys. I made it a point to read and keep to myself so as not to distract him and I did such a great job getting lost in a magazine that I was totally oblivious to all that was going on. Putting new tires on The Beast revealed that I needed new rear struts and new front ball joints. Somehow I missed all of this and Dean ordered (and paid for) the parts while I was reading. I’m not going to publicly post details because I don’t know the consequences of that, but suffice to say, he hooked me up and saved me the trauma of having to trade in my truck for a newer one, because quite frankly if I hadn’t had the help, I would have had to do that. But now I’m several hundred dollars in debt to him. I wasn’t initially comfortable with this, but I’m getting there.

By the end of the day though, it still needed ball joints so another appointment was set for two weeks later. Why not the next week? Because we had a wedding to go to!

I went from being less comfortable with the free flow of “I love you” to being really comfortable with it. It all became apparently clear when we went to Dean’s best friend’s wedding. Actually it started the day before when I got a call of “so ummm, what should I get for a wedding gift?” Are you fucking kidding me? It’s the DAY BEFORE the wedding! After eventually establishing that there was in fact a registry, being told he wanted to bring the gift not have it shipped, and being given my budget, I some how managed to pull an entire gift set. It required calling 5 stores, putting things on hold at more than one store, and several trips, but I did it. At this point I realized just how much I love that man because I wouldn’t have done any of that if I wasn’t.

The next day was the wedding.

I love Dean, I really do, but the man has got to work on his communication with me about times, dates, plans, etc. Because what should have been a relaxing morning of getting my hair and nails done turned into a rushed, aggravating whirlwind of stress to get dressed and flee to the wedding. I forget how new this relationship is until stuff like that happens, but the beauty part is that we’re both so easy going that we bend and flex and adjust our neurosis for the greater good. Lessons were learned and new rules were established.

My mom had warned me the day before that something (positive) would happen with Dean at the wedding and to pay attention to him. I never doubt my mother. After all these years of being her child and witnessing her truly psychic ability, I pretty much take everything she says for face value. Sure as shit, she was right again. He may have been drunk, but he was a ball of love and was talking marriage. This carried through to sobriety to the point that the next day we were talking lists, locations, dates, etc. Unfuckingbelievable. Mom’s response to this (via text) “I told you that wedding would shift something in his cranium. Mazel tov, babe.”

All in all, the wedding weekend was really quite extraordinary and I managed to fall even farther in love with Dean. I suspect that as time goes on, I’ll continue to fall deeper and deeper. It’s only been a few months, but I cannot even fathom my life without him at this point.

Anyway, as I rolled back into my weekly flow (which, let’s face it, sucks since I’m not with him until the weekends) I started to come down with something. It was also billing week and my period was either late or I was experiencing neverending PMS. Either way, the combination of having hormonal insanity, throwing up like crazy, the dog being sick, being ridiculously stressed at work, having more issues with the truck, and then getting a yeast infection on top of it lead to me being quite salty and a total airhead. Yup, it lead to an argument with Dean on the phone one late night. That alone catapulted the contents of my stomach up and out again and I was miserable. He woke up and text messaged me like nothing happened. WTF? But there’s that learning curve again. We talked it out when we both got home and yet again, new rules established and lessons learned.

By Friday I couldn’t take it anymore so I went and got an over the counter yeast infection cure. Why is this relevant? Because most of my life I’ve been blessed to not experience infections below the belt. This was quite literally my first time trying the OTC remedy. I’ve gotten the pill variety from the doctor the other two times because they just happened to show yeast on a culture and “oh hey, take this as a precaution”. I figured this was easy, do it yourself, and cheaper than a copay so fuck it, I’ll just do OTC. Note to self: 1 day cure will eventually feel like fire. It will work like a charm, but it will burn like a motherfucker.

Hey look! Learning curve! I took something to knock me the fuck out and sleep so I didn’t feel it anymore. Saturday I was pretty much cured, but I had to have the final adjustment to The Beast and get the ball joints. Sitting in a warm waiting room most of the day does not bode well for the day after a yeast infection, let me tell you!

I had taken The Beast to the local shop by me earlier in the week to see if it would fail Virginia standards for anything else, but nope! It only failed for the ball joints and that was a known issue. Dean ordered, paid, they arrived and I went in. Another Saturday with my mate and getting the truck repaired only to reveal yet another problem. The ball joints didn’t fit in the control arms properly. YAY! Temporary fixes were put in place to last till Tuesday when I could get back to the shop for their extended hours day.

I couldn’t tell you how Saturday concluded if my life depended on it. At this point I was so miserable from the week before and so exhausted that you could lie to me and tell me I danced naked in a fountain in public for coins. I know we eventually ate something and eventually went to sleep.

Sunday I woke up refreshed, energized, feeling great, horny, and had a working vagina again. YAY! I will spare the details, but let’s just say Dean and I have a VERY healthy, happy, fun, and exhilarating sex life. I am a VERY happy woman. Nuff said. All was going well and we headed to a movie in my car only to get 3 blocks down the road, go over a speed hump, and KAPOW! Big boom noise and sudden shift in steering. I thought my brand new tire had ruptured but oh no! The ball joint slipped out and broke the boot. Fucking dandy. The temporary fix didn’t hold and all I could think was thank God this did not happen on the beltway! At this point though, I’m still fragile from a solid week of hell despite my great mood in the morning, and I started to fall apart.

Dean absolutely would not let me fall apart or become negative and I definitely would have been falling apart without him. How the fuck did I deal with ANYTHING before? I mean I’ve gone through hell and back and come out with my head held high, but it feels like that was a dream right now. I’m allowing myself to rely on him for comfort and support and while this is awesome, it also unnerves me. I don’t want to lose myself, you know? Meh. Blog entry for another time.

We went to the movie and missed the storm of a century. Apparently while we were getting our minds altered by Inception (it was good, not amazing though) this massive storm ripped through the region and destroyed a lot. We were totally oblivious to the entire event until we got home to a house with no power.

Well it’s summer, it’s been above average heat since June and utterly miserable, and there isn’t much to do on a Sunday evening since everything either closes early or was without power. We decided the perfect solution to this was to take my truck to the shop (it was cautiously drive-able) since the roads were pretty empty and then come back and play cards. Dean decided to teach me how to play gin while we were in our underwear in the middle of the dark living room dimly lit by candlelight.

He was perfectly content being entertained by cards, talking, and just being together. That right there is why I love him. Being there with nothing to do brought out some conversational topics neither of us loved, but needed to express. I have fears and so does he, but there’s also a lot of love and much of that was also expressed. If anything, the past two weeks have shown me just how utterly blessed to have found this amazing man. I could not have asked for a more perfect man for me. I’ve been given a gift and I am going to do what it takes to hold onto this gift. I’d like to think he feels the same way because he does show it and he actually emotes. It’s refreshing to say the least.

I can honestly say that I’m looking forward to learning, evolving, and growing old with him and that is a truly wonderful feeling. Especially if there are more candlelight underwear card games in the future!

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elle oh vee eee

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This love thing takes getting used to. Just saying that is weird for me because I’ve never been one to withhold love and I’m always so free with saying it. I’ve always been the loving one and always been good with emotions. But suddenly it’s like a foreign concept to me. It’s weird to go from not ever saying it to suddenly saying it every time you say good bye. Famine to feast. I mean how do you wrap your head around love when you’ve been deprived of it for so long?

It dawned on me that reason this is so off kilter to me is that I haven’t had a man tell me he loves me, and mean it, since 2003. Yes, you read that right… 2003. Seven and a half fucking years ago when I was with Ryan, before the abuse took a real turn for the worse. I can’t decide how to react to that. It’s simultaneously the most depressing fact of my life and one of the strongest.

I felt love with Chet, but not once did he say it to me. Not ONCE. Not even close. There was a bag for the earrings he got me that have hearts and printed “I love you”s on the on the bag. He refused to even say he picked out that bag. I mean that’s what I grew accustomed to. That, and just not being with anyone for so long prior to him. My first relationship (Ryan) was a first for EVERYTHING from the first kiss to the first black eye. I went on an anti-love slut spree after that. Then dating hell after that. Then another relationship.

From the day I met Ryan to the day I decided it was over with Chet, and entire decade had passed. A DECADE!

When I think about it, the only person in that decade of dating who ever came even remotely close to love was Stone and that was after my gallbladder surgery. He showed up and took care of me one night in many different ways and was the only man to be there for me in years. Actually, he had a lot of private, sweet, intimate moments and that’s a huge part of why I let our “relationship” carry on for 5 years. But it wasn’t true love.

I realize just how sad and empty my life sounds when I write it out like this, but I also realize how much of that I created, allowed to happen, and hid behind. I wasn’t ready to love again after Ryan. He destroyed my foundation of what I thought a man should be. I took revenge on him and myself by slutting it up. I found the validation I wanted, figured out my body, gained a fuck ton of self confidence and self esteem, and came out with flying colors. Then I had a heart ready to burst with love and moved on to Chet… only to ultimately be shut down. I didn’t realize it was an emotionally abusive relationship until the very end. I couldn’t figure out that my personal growth came with that price tag until I went through and looked at it with different eyes. I went through the controlling nature, the emotional instability, the constant shut downs and shut outs, the passive aggressive bullshit, the lack of intimacy… all of it. I may have grown by leaps and bounds, but I forgot a piece of myself in that relationship. I lost a big part of me that I forgot even existed…

…until Dean came along.

It’s like this light inside of me suddenly started to burn brighter. Suddenly some one is taking care of me. Some one is affectionate with me every single chance he gets. Some one freely admits he misses me and longs for my presence when I’m not there. Some one listens to me and comforts me when I have a bad dream, makes fun of me when I have an airhead moment, makes me laugh at the ridiculousness of life, will do a silly dance just to get me to smile, lets me dote on him, lets me be 100% of myself and be the goofy fool I can be, and makes me happy. I can watch him play some stupid computer game for hours so long as every now and then I can run my hands through his hair and rub his neck as long as I want. I can have my lazy Sunday as often as I want. I can drag him out and about to pretty much wherever I want, but also have someone who has his own life and has his own desires for what he wants to do. I have someone who loves me and lets me love him back.

I can’t be bitter about the past. I have to be grateful for the decade of bullshit leading up to it because had I not been cut off and shut out in so many ways, deprived of so many things, and experienced so much rotten behavior by other men, I would not be even half as appreciative of Dean as I am now. I really wouldn’t. I can’t even put into words how I feel about him some days. I cant ellaborate how this feels because it seems like there are no words accurate enough for it.

I know I’ve had impulsive moments and made rash decisions in the past, but I’ve also spent that time learning from each and every one of them. I’ve spent the last ten years growing and evolving into the woman I am now. All those little impulsive moments now seem 100% worth it when I think of the payout I’ve received in this man. It makes that decade totally fucking worth it.

Love is a beautiful thing.

three little words

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I don’t know how this started, but this is where it picks up.

D: that’s because you love me
T: probably
D: well let me know when you’re sure
T: okay
(pause)
T: okay I’m sure
(another pause)
D: sure about?
(a third and even longer pause)
T: sure that I love you. Feel free to run for the hills now screaming and vanish on me.
D: why would I do that?
T: gee, I wonder.

6ish hours later while driving back to his place

D: what was that thing you said earlier?
T: something I’m not repeating right now
D: why’s that?
T: because you’ve been doing your boundary testing thing. You’re a mental ninja right now.
D: *laughs* mental ninja?
T: yes. I’ve been katana-ed. SLICE!

1 hour later while prepping dessert and cooking dinner

D: whats wrong with you?
T: I feel like I was a little pressured, but I still meant it. But now you’re all mental ninja on me and I want to punch you in the nose.
D: pressured how?
(repeat above earlier conversation)
D: is it because you want me to say it back?
(pause)
T: no. yes. only if you mean it. yes.
T: okay shut up already
D: you can take it back if you want
T: no I can’t
D: yes you can
T: no, I really cant
D: why not?
T: because I can’t lie and you KNOW I can’t lie! So no taking back. The end. Move along.

30 minutes later

Standing up and hugging, he gave me a kiss on the ear and then whispered “I love you” in my ear. All I could do was smile and simultaneously feel like my head would explode. Later we had this mushy little conversation before bed about how we’ve waited so long for each other and then he squeezed me tight and said it again. If I wasn’t sure he meant it the first time, I was positive that second time and suddenly nothing else in the world seemed to matter.

stamp of approval

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Last week my dearest wife, Steph, flew into town from Toronto with her fiancé Mike. I actually took time off from work as well and played tour guide/host for a few days to save them some money and to maximize my time with my friend. We met online about 6 (or 7?) years ago and then in person 5 years ago when I flew to Toronto and stayed with her. The last time we saw each other though was 3 years ago for my birthday.

This woman is my parallel and is the original wife. I have a select few women in my life to begin with and each one has a very crucial role to play so I value each friendship to the Nth degree. To say that we were bursting at the seams in anticipation of finally meeting up again is a gross understatement.

We had been planning this for months – prior to me even meeting Dean. I was excited about meeting the man who’d stolen my wife away from me and made her so blissfully happy, but then things turned with Dean and suddenly I was dying for her approval of him. Being the awesome guy that he is, he totally agreed to take his day off and spend it schlepping downtown in DC with 2 strangers from another country and his girlfriend knowing he’d be scrutinized the entire time. I think Mike had it even harder though because he was staying in my home and he had to contend with my 3 furballs as well as meet strangers in a strange land. (Okay not really strange land – he’s very familiar with the States.)

So anyway, time was spent with Mike & Steph and Dean & Tovah and it was absolutely great. Watching Mike and Steph together made my heart sing. They are so utterly in love and so absolutely perfect for each other that it reminded me that true love does exist. I could not approve of their pairing any more than I already do. It was natural and sweet and easy.

The next day Dean went to work and the out of towners and I went over to my mom’s for an engagement lunch (they got officially engaged a few days prior to their arrival) and Steph and Mike weighed in on my pairing in front of the mother person. High praise was given and approval was shared. Apparently Dean and I are very natural together and “you wouldn’t know from looking at them they’d only been dating a few months.” Translation: The two pairings were mutually APPROVED!

I had only a few precious days with my friends before sending them back home. I cried about 3 seconds after I got back behind the wheel and dropped them off. I called Dean who comforted me, but I didn’t have much time to mourn the absence of my friend because woosh! Three day weekend with my man magically occurred wherein I had to meet his friends and then dun dun dun he had to meet my parents! Oh my!

Friday all was well… and then we had our first argument. Why is that first disagreement the absolute hardest one to deal with? I will never know, but we survived it and learned a few valuable lessons. As much as I loathe arguing, I’m glad we got that first tiff out of the way early on.

Saturday I was to meet the friends and quickly realized this translated to “get the approval of the women” because instead of four couples watching the UFC fight, the men went off to be manly and watch sports while the hens clucked in the hen house… while drinking. Heavily. It’s widely known that I do not do well with women and prefer the company of men and sports to the hen house. Alas, I was in no position to argue and I figured alcohol would help any situation so I just went in full tilt and let them see the real me. Turns out I had nothing to worry about and ended up having a fucking GREAT time with the girls! I learned all sorts of juicy little tidbits and felt right at home with them. I got the seal of approval from his friends.

At this point, we’re two for two on meeting of the friends and being approved of, but the biggest test is yet to come – meeting my mom.

Sunday was the 4th of July and the initial plan was to have Dean meet my parents in a relaxed environment. We usually go to this local farm that opens up it’s doors to the local yuppies for a huge fireworks display. You can bring your own food, drink, (yes, alcohol is okay), games, seating, etc. and it’s free. They ask for donations at the gate and we always give a few bucks because it’s totally worth it. It’s completely laid back and chilled out. Well plans changed when not only did my stepdad get sick, but I ended up with a flat tire! I was visibly disappointed, mom got frustrated with me, and we beefed briefly and I gave up. Super mega turbo great boyfriend leaped into action though and before I could even get my clothes on (I tend to take a shower when I get frustrated) he was out the door and already in action. By the time I got to the car, he had all but two lug nuts back on the spare tire, which I found out was a full size tire, not a donut so my worry was for nothing. Amazing!

So once order was restored, we headed off to pickup mom with her cooler full of food and her bag of games, and then headed off to our destination. We had 2 hours to kill before fireworks so we socialized and had fun. Mom brought out magnetic darts, bubbles, the camera, and food and we had an absolute blast! Dean was as affectionate in front of me as he is with anyone and didn’t put on a front at all. He was 100% him and I was 100% me. I got the “awwww” look from mom about a dozen times. Then she brought up the beach trip we’re all going on in two months and when she started telling him what we’ll all be doing, I knew instantly she had approved. Three for three, bitches!

Then the real test and final approval moment was at hand.

When it was time for the fireworks to begin, mom set up her tripod and camera at her chair while Dean and I laid out on our sides on the blanket and he kinda half spooned me, half wrapped his arms around me just we do when we’re lying in bed. This allowed for optimum comfort and view of the fireworks exploding right over us, but also allowed for romance. Let me tell you, the romance was so thick in the air you couldn’t even hack through it with a machete. I was completely and totally head over heals prior to that moment, but I looked back at his face at one point and he looked back at me and gave me a kiss. Right then and there I fell in love.

Now I just need to figure out how to tell him that.