Monthly Archives: April 2010

I talk about a vagina in this one

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I have two new rules commandments with this new blog:

1.) thou shalt not post whilst hormonal/on the rag
2.) thou shalt not post whilst shitfaced

So between monthly billing at work, traveling out of town, getting my period, and having a fucking grand old time with PMS leading up to it, I went MIA on my writing.

It’s not like stuff hasn’t been going on though.

I’ve taken on a part time job helping my dad out. We’ll see how that goes and how the payment structure works since technically I work for his employer assisting him. It’s moderately complicated and I have to rely on my father actually communicating with me for it to work. So far it’s… well let’s not comment on it. I need the money boost if I plan on getting new tries for my Explorer in the near future.

I also met a guy. Yenta did her job and so far so good. I haven’t wanted to talk about him because I actually kind of like him. It seems like I get overly female, worry about everything, and don’t want to jinx it by saying anything whenever there’s a guy I actually kinda dig. So that’s all I’m gonna say on that because I’m working on another date with the unnamed male. Shhhhhhhhhhhh!

I started reading again too and that eats up my brain power. Seeing as I have so little to spare lately, this is quite a feat. I’m currently stuck in the vampire genre, but frankly I have been since I was a wee teen reading Anne Rice books so am I really that surprised that I devour them now in a matter of hours? Nope. I also like young adult books. There, I said it. I’m pushing 30 and I’d rather read the Percy Jackson books than anything on Oprah’s list. Right now I’m honestly antsy to go read a few more chapters of the current book before I go to bed than I am to write this entry.

That could also be because I’m a little cranky and kind of feeling like shit. As it turns out, one little imbalance below the belt can totally fuck your entire body up. Ugh. I love the fact that I have to ability to grow a human in me at some point, but for the most part having a vagina is more of a hassle than I’d like to admit. Okay wait… the sex thing is also pretty phenomenal, but I can’t recall how that feels right now.

Anyway, I started feeling like hell today, got randomly sick as fuck, and then started hurting like a bitch so I made an appointment and WOOSH! Instant stirrups and culture swabs in delicate areas. Yay. Currently I’m waiting on test results to make sure it’s not something more serious or permanent (thanks to DFL), but right now all signs point to an allergic reaction to new tampons which is possibly turning into an infection. See previous comment about not loving vaginae.

Oh hell. Spell check totally changed that from vaginas to vaginae and I about died laughing! That totally derailed my train of thought and now I can’t think of how to finish this.

Fuck it. I have a bed and a book calling my name.

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get over it

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I got a very lengthy comment in the last post from someone who thinks I may not truly be over Chet and that I may not have fully mourned our ending. I had honestly thought I was over him, but it seems like I measure every man against him and it seems I keep attracting losers. Then that comment hit a nerve (not a bad thing) and my brain went into steam roller mode.

Yes, I mourned my break up with Chet. THOROUGHLY. I did it twice, actually. Yes, it still hurts some days. Yes, I miss him some days. You can’t not miss someone who was a very integral part of your daily life for several years. You miss all those tiny little things and you see stuff that reminds you of them all the time. It’s the same as a death in a way. I’m over my grandma’s death, but I think of her constantly and miss her all the time. Little things remind me of her, but I am over it. Just because something ends doesn’t mean you can’t still love. Then again, I think I’d be fine if I didn’t keep meeting douchebags.

So why do I keep attracting losers? Because I always think I can fix them and make them better? No. I’ve learned you can’t fix anyone. It’s because my standards have been too low for far too long and that’s not just something you break over night. That’s a huge reason why I had my mom get involved with my dating life and become my yenta. Her standards are incredibly high and she wants more for me than even I think I want. What happens when I don’t listen to her? I get dipshits like Bryan who make me insane! Yeah, he’s one she advised against. Did I listen? Nope! Her gut impression of him: “he’s an endless need bucket” and sure as shit, he was. You would think I’d be listening to her 100% at this point, but I’m stubborn and I do kinda need to learn some things on my own. She warned me, I saw the red flags, I paid attention to them, and now I have a little bit more knowledge under my belt.

By the way, Bryan is gone. I finally stopped being a stubborn ass and just ended a conversation one day with a sigh and “oh well” and haven’t heard from him since. I’ve been deleted off everything and I don’t give two shits about it. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Then I met this guy Adam, whom at first I was kinda into. He basically looks like a shorter, fatter, slightly rounder faced version of Chet. I was enjoying talking to him until I found out his mother lives with him and he fully supports her. I had to ask why this was and when he told me I realized there was absolutely no way this would ever work out. I could understand if she’d been disabled in some way and needed assistance, but being financially irresponsible and having no back up plan? It dawned on me that these two were way too dependent on each other, he feels he HAS to take care of her, and there is absolutely no way I would ever fit in that life.

I have no issue with dating a man with kids. I love kids. I’m great with them. But a parent? Really? If that’s how they raised you, then how will you raise your kids? I realize shit happens and if something were to happen with my stepdad, I’d move in with my mom in a heartbeat to help her out. But my stepdad has life insurance, retirement accounts, they have a house they could sell… I mean they’ve covered their ass and looked out for us so that should something happen, I can set my mom up for a long time.

Not the case with Adam. He’s barely into his 30s and already has mama ingrained into every day life. What, is she going to come with us on every date? On the honeymoon? Will she be there when we’re trying to conceive??? I want my own life. I want a house where it’s just me, hubby, the pets, and eventually a few bambinos. I don’t want to instantly take on a parent. I mean the end result of that is she’ll be with him till the day she dies. At least with kids, they grow up and move out! They develop little lives of their own and branch out. If a parent can’t handle being alone and has to rely on her single 30 something son, then something else is fundamentally wrong there and frankly I don’t want to get involved.

Of course this is not what I said to him, but in talking to him I realized I am way too blunt, brutally honest, and independent for this guy anyway and if I dared speak about mama at any point, we’d come to blows. Never even made it to a date so at least there wasn’t a ton of emotional investment in it. He wants to be friends so I said okay. I have nothing against gaining a few friends in this dating saga. It’s not my goal and I suspect the majority of them will vanish anyway as soon as I find some one worth keeping, but whatever. I’m not arguing it just yet.

I do have one rather promising lead from one of the sites. I’m not entirely convinced it’s worth the high cost, but eHarmony is not failing me as greatly as it has in the past so we’ll see how this goes. I’m definitely not in a rush to find someone so it’s been an interesting adventure so far. One of these days I’ll find a good one.

Eventually.

graphic depiction of the perfect male

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This is why this man remains one of my best friends in the world. A conversation with Wanton Maleness I had last night:

Me: why do I keep entertaining the thought of these guys who only moderately stimulate me?
Me: as opposed to the ones who get my goat entirely
WM: I have no idea…why do you think?
Me: maybe I don’t think I deserve more?
WM: that could be a reasonable deduction
Me: or they don’t represent themselves accurately on profiles and I don’t figure that out till I add them on facebook
Me: and the one guy who is fucking hot is probably a loser
Me: why can I not find the hot guy into BBWs that is moderately comfortable in life and is also not fucked in the head ?
WM: that’s a lot of stipulations
Me: no its not
Me: its only 4
WM: I figure the more caveats you add on, you lessen your field exponentially
Me: thus I’m sticking to 4
Me: wait, 5
Me: wants a family with me
WM: right
WM: that narrows shit down…here is a super duper fancy graph I made….
WM: the white is where you get all 5
Me: why do I feel like I’m about to burst into laughter?
You have received 1 file from WM: 5things.bmp Open (Alt+Shift+O)

Me: LMAO
WM: 😀
Me: I am so posting this
WM: Hahaha

And that is why I love him.

crash and burn

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I keep wanting to write about this guy Bryan, but frankly he exhausts the shit out of me so I never get around to it.

Well no point now really because it’s over anyway.

See… we had these three pretty stellar dates (the most recent of which was in the last entry) and two relatively uncalm disagreements over the course of two weeks. Not exactly the foundation for love there.

There were some fundamental differences between us and I saw a few right off the bat, but I thought we get along great in person, great online, and great on the phone so something had the potential to grow there. Or so I thought. One of the biggest issues is that the guy does NOT make it clear when he’s joking and when he isn’t. I am a pretty good reader of faces and this guy had a poker face half the time so how the hell can I discern a joke from seriousness?

The final date was Sunday and I was already in emotional turmoil over Chet, then I started to feel some potential with Bryan, but then Bryan got fucking weird on me and some things he said got under my skin (and he can claim he was joking, but it sure as fuck didn’t come out that way) and I kinda just lost it when he left. My brain went downhill very quickly resulting in that last post.

Naturally Monday I got news at work that I wasn’t prepared for, tried to tell him via text that I needed to talk about it later (because I couldn’t call and work was insanely busy) and instead of being supportive or saying we could talk about it when I got home, he shut down and went into self protective defensive mode and got weird on me. Gee, thanks a pants load! I need support and you freak out instead.

Suffice to say, this turned into another patented text messaging battle (the third one if you’re keeping score) when I got home and it got ugly. Extremely fucking ugly. He made a comment about my relationship with Chet (knowing zero facts because I didn’t give him much info when probed previously) and said “No wonder Chet left you”.

Line: crossed.

And yet some how after 4 hours of this shit it turned out… okay… and we decided to be friends. I think? I’m still boggled as to how that result occurred.

Flash forward to Tuesday and instead of a text war, he calls me and it turns into yet another argument. I finally lashed back out and told him everything I ever thought to say to him and yeah, ugly once again.

The end result of our battle: I’m crazy and living in a dream world because I don’t believe relationships should be hard. Yes, they take a lot of work, but they should not be so difficult. It should be easy when it’s the right person.

Guess who agrees with me? EVERY HAPPY COUPLE I KNOW!

Guess who disagrees with me? Yup. “I’m older than you and have seen more than you. Everything in life is hard. You’re living in a dream world if you think otherwise. So was your grandmother if that was her advice.”

Line: crossed for the second time.

Okay, seriously? Three good dates and then two disagreements and two vicious arguments all in the span of two weeks? REALLY??? He seems to think this is fine and normal and I absolutely do NOT! The beginning of dating should be carefree and Yeah it was doomed and I put my foot down saying I could do the friend thing but that was it. I’m damn near fed up with that at the moment too because he keeps leaving snarky comments on my Facebook page and/or acting like nothing happened. Passive aggressive bullshit abounds and I have just about had my limit. And yet I keep him around. Why exactly?

I need a swift kick to the head.

complicated should be my middle name

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Here’s the best way to summarize my life right now: I like to complicate it on a daily basis.

In addition to the daily headaches keeping my head a swirling mess, I’ve also got a few males in rotation now. Since mom is playing yenta, I get a fresh batch to pick through every day. Shes finally learning what I find attractive and what I don’t so between her criteria and mine… there’s about one man on the planet left for me I think. Maybe two.

I recently axed a guy I had been talking to for a few days because he updated his profile to show new pictures. I could look past the never smiling in any of the pictures, but a big skull with rams horns and a giant bleeding upside down pentagram? I think not. Then on the other arm there were these flaming demonic serpent things and some other anti-God thing. You know, I don’t expect everyone to be religious. I’m absolutely fine with those who do not subscribe to my cup of religious tea either. The thing is, I cannot have a life with someone like that. It’s too important to me and how can I possibly be with someone who doesn’t at least share a thread of common thinking? So yeah, he was axed. Gone. Poof!

I’ve become like every guy I’ve ever known in that that I just drop off the face of the earth if I lose interest. I did that with Matt. There was just nothing there to hold me in and I fucking HATE this text messaging thing. Pick up the motherfucking phone if you want to keep me! Ignore 3 text messages in 3 days and they disappear. I admit it’s shitty to do, but it totally works. I can’t be nice to every single guy I meet anymore either because I keep attracting these clingy little leeches. I just want to scream “GET OFF ME!” when they get that way. Fastest way to lose me? Turn into a leech. No me gusta!

Recently there was a Jew Boy who took interest in me. This is such a rare occurrence in itself that the mere that he was Jewish AND interested in me was enough to hold my attention. Until I saw more photos and realized that one photo on his dating profile? Yeah, not even close to reality. Seriously dude, why lie about appearance? Do you not think it’s going to be revealed when we meet up? REALLY? I hate to break it to you, but that’s deception and how the hell are you already being deceptive before we’ve even met? FAIL!

Okay so lets pretend I’m not as superficial as I sound. (Because frankly, who am I to judge? I’m not every man’s cup of tea either.) Let’s examine the REAL deal breaker with him. Last night I went out with my friend Rob (whom I hadn’t seen in 6.5 years) and not only did I have a blast with him, I also got completely hammered. Thank you, body of mine, for being able to sober up inhumanly fast because I had to get home at some point. Anyway, when driving home, Jew Boy and I talk to each other on the phone. It was as though I opened up Pandora’s Box with that one because dude would not shut the fuck up. My entire 45 minute ride home consisted of him babbling on and on about whatever he could think of. And then the pies de resistance? He tells me not only that his longest relationship lasted 9 months, but that he hasn’t been in one since 2001. Okay, so why is that? “I keep getting rejected for stupid things. And all the women I’ve been with end up being crazy bitches.” Ummm, yeah. About that? If it’s been 9 years of nothing successful maybe they are not the problem, buddy.

Of course I find this out (and see his facebook page) AFTER I’ve agreed to a date. Epic fail. Now I have to figure out how to bullshit my way out of this one and since yenta failed me, she gets to come up with an excuse. Funny thing? She googled “how to reject a date gently” and then proceeded to read me the cream of the crop in responses. At least she can make me laugh about it, right?

Oh but let’s complicate it further, shall we??? I’ve been out on two dates with this guy Bryan. He’s got some big red warning flags waving high, but most of his could just be temporary. Much like previous situations, I was not immediately attracted to him. It wasn’t till I’d spent time with him and had my brain stimulated that I was turned on.

Naturally because the same damn thing happened before with the lack of attraction initially and then intensity that knocked me on my ass, I immediately panicked and put the brakes on Bryan a bit. After the second date though, we were making out in the parking garage as we parted ways and now my feelings have been altered. My brain and clitoris are apparently connected. Who knew?

The thing is, he pisses me off royally with text messaging. He never quite figures out where the line is with me until it’s crossed, then I’m upset or angry over it. Solution? Stop texting! Because in person, I am so into him, it’s not even funny. Too bad yenta doesn’t approve of this one.

Despite Yenta’s lack of approval and warning to walk away now, I’ve got another date lined up with Bryan for Sunday. He’s really the only one holding my interest right now so maybe I should give him a chance? Maybe. Maybe not. I could be doing this out of sheer loneliness. We’ll see. Further movement with him is pending the red flag removals because some of them HAVE to change or there’s no fucking way we have a future. At all.

So yeah… it’s all complicated and I like to make it worse daily by adding more shit into the mix. Hi, I love to torture myself. And your name is?

the stress bone

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So I’ve been getting these headaches almost daily now and then waking up hella nauseous every morning. Well the morning sickness has been kinda par for the course since I was about 16 so I never read much into it. I only worry when it leads to actual puking. Then I worry. Naturally because of my insanely stupid moment a few weeks ago, everyone assumed I was knocked up.

Anyway, after thinking it through and knowing it wasn’t a seamonkey immaculately conceived and germinating in my womb causing all the tummy troubles, I figured out whats been going on with this sack of bones. I went to my dentist (aka my uncle) a few weekends ago to have him check out my tooth and the fucker is cracking. Well why is it cracking? Because I apparently like to clench the fuck out of my jaw at night and guess who has TMJ? This girl! So basically I convert stress into severely tight knots in my back and into grinding the shit out of my jaw. This is causing my molar to crack which causes a great deal of pain at random intervals.

Well all this clenching is happening at night and when I’m not thinking about it like when I’m concentrating or writing (like right now actually, damn it) and the tension rests in my jaw which travels to my neck. I don’t sleep well because of this and I wake up sore. All the pain plus lack of sleeping makes me quite sick to my stomach. Are we seeing the pattern yet?

Pretty simple when it comes down to it, but I don’t have the solution yet. When I saw the dentist, he said a bite guard should correct the problem because I will stop pushing my teeth out of line with my other teeth and take the pressure off my cracking tooth. So since he’s in Maryland and it’s an hour away, I got impressions for a bite guard while I was there. It would have been ready in a few days, but because of distance, my job, and the lack of gas money, I couldn’t get back for the fitting until a Saturday appointment was available and that mean not until the 10th.

And there we have it. The stress bone’s connected to the jaw bone. The jaw bone’s connected to the neck bone. The neck bone’s connected to the headache bone. The headache bone’s connected to nausea bone. Lather, rinse repeat ad nauseum.

Knowing what the problem is makes me hyper aware of it and it’s like the headaches have amplified. It’s interfered with just about everything. Dating has been mostly postponed. Feeling like shit physically has made me feel like shit emotionally. I’ve been a hermit and the dog is suffering from it a bit. So has this blog. Yes, I have more to update on including more tales from Yenta Mom, a new boy I’ve started to date that I’m unsure of, a few others I kind of want to pursue, accounts I’ve closed, updates on my family life, and my fucking awesome dog. I’ll get there.

Just a few more days till the bite guard and then hopefully some much needed relief.