from chaos comes clarity

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Passover yesterday (yes, we did it a day early) with my family was rough. Usually this is a holiday I look forward to all year, but this was my first solo Passover in many years. Just when I thought I had a grasp of the entire break up situation, a holiday came along and knocked me on my ass. It took all of 15 minutes before I was in tears and had mom acting fast with a glass in my hand “chug this” and then another “chug this one too”. You know what happens when you haven’t eaten in over 24 hours and you chug two glasses of wine? Instant zombie! That was significantly easier than dealing with anything else.

You don’t realize how much you miss a person until you’re stuck facing something alone. It didn’t help that my family was asking about him, about “the new guy” aka [Dipshit rebound Guy] and then about dating. I would have given quite a bit to have had my brother there to diffuse everything for me. At one point my mom acted fast and starting talking about the dating nightmares which actually made it easier. She’s serving as my yenta now so we had some great shtick between us and had everyone laughing. Then it was time for matzoball soup and who can talk when you have that glorious concoction in front of you??

Driving home in the pouring rain talking to D about her new flame didn’t help as much as I thought it would. I walked Nola in the rain and thought it all out. All I can do is remind myself that even if I begged him back and crawled on my hands and knees, I’d still be missing major components in my life that I need. I can look past every single thing with him except for one. That one thing is that the man could never tell me he loved me. I know he has issues, but after 2.5 years he still couldn’t say it so whats to say he ever would? I couldn’t wait around for that. I need love. I need real honest to God love that flows freely and without hesitation. Eventually I’m sure I would have gotten pregnant again and eventually he would have resolved to get married because of that, but that’s not what I want! I want someone who WANTS to marry me and someone who WANTS to have babies with me. Someone who CAN love me.

So I keep reminding myself of this in order to make the gut wrenching pain a little easier to bear. I keep reminding myself of why I left so that I won’t drive over to his house and beg him to take me back. It’s helping.

Unfortunately between these two men, my stomach has been in utter chaos. My head too. I don’t get migraines very often but I found myself facing one head on Saturday during my date with some guy and then another one around 2am this morning that didn’t give way until around 10am. I called in sick for half a day and need to get my ass to work in a few minutes even though I’m really not feeling it. I can’t let the rest of my life suffer though just because my head is royally fucked.

Gotta keep on keepin’ on. Eventually I will and thankfully I have this blog to keep pouring my head and heart into.

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One response »

  1. Dear Self,
    A month later you met your future husband. He was everything you ever wanted and everything you asked for in this post. By the end of 2011 you married that man. Now you’re trying to start a family. You’ve come a long long way. All your struggles were worth it.
    -Me

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