text this

Dating is hell.

I don’t remember it being this way a few years ago when I was out there throwing myself at the altar of the dating Gods. This is not exactly a new experience for me. I mean after Ryan (the first one) I went into a bit of an exile and moved to Maryland with my grandparents. (Incidentally, that was one of the greatest years of my life.) Then I went into slut mode because quite frankly I had zero positive sexual experience and I was free. Thats how I got into blogging and how most of you “met” me.

Then I tried dating. I mixed the slutting and dating up for 4 years before I met Chet. Yeah, you read that right. It was FOUR years between Ryan and Chet. You would think I’d have a grasp of this whole internet dating thing but every time I throw myself back out there, I feel like something changes.

Since when do we begin a relationship of cellphones in lieu of a short phone call? What the fuck is this text messaging obsession every man has now? Did I miss a memo some where? I’m not clever on text. I’m not witty. I can’t text nearly as fast as I can run my mouth and I can’t get my point across in 160 characters or less. You can’t gauge a person’s interest either when they’re texting because you literally do that anywhere. How do I know you’re not in the mens room poppin’ a squat when you’re texting me? There’s romance!

Oh and better question… how do you know if the guy got your last message without saying “did you get that?” every two seconds? This has happened with umm… 5 guys now? 6? Fuck if I know. It’s getting confusing and I’ve resorted to nicknaming them in my phone based on location, profession, or stand out character trait. If I had the slightest amount of creativity left in me, I’d find a creative way to say “pick up the phone, douche!”

One guy’s excuse for why he prefers texting is “I answer the phone for a living” Oh really? In that case, you should be well versed in the ways of verbal communication. I texting him for 4 days before I finally told him I couldn’t keep it up. He said he understood and that was the end of it. He was already sketchy though… I mean who suddenly has plans for two weeks when a day before they didnt? Something was fishy and I have to wonder if dude was either rotating multiple females or if he was seeing someone. Either way, I’m glad I used the texting as an excuse because something just wasn’t kosher.

Another one just flat out wouldn’t answer when I tried calling. Some how we figured out he works right near me and suddenly his interest was piqued because now his commute would shorten. I shit you not, he said this to me. Yeah, thats the foundation of a good relationship: convenience! Then I KNOW he mixed me up with some other female because he suddenly mentioned sharing a bed. I did not mention a bed in any of my texts. You sir, fail. Grand old fuck you to that. I ignored his texts from there on out. Took him 3 days to get that memo. We’ll see if I hear from him again or not. I’m hoping for not.

Another one I managed to catch on IM for a brief moment in time, then he upped it to texting. On a particularly rough night in the Dumb Fuck Larry saga (all of which has since been deleted from this blog because I don’t want to even think about how stupid I was), this guy tells me he’s visiting his parents in Heathsville and when he said that, I about hit the roof. That’s right near where Dumb Fuck Larry is from so I made it a point to make that fucker call me to confirm he had no idea what I was talking about. Once I figured out dude was kinda vapid and less than intelligent, I regretted the call. The convo was rapid fire and dude would not shut up until he abruptly cut me off. Then he texted for two more days before I gave up. Haven’t heard from him since.

So again I ask: what the FUCK is this texting shit? I fucking hate it! I upped my plan to unlimited because it was only $5 more and because Larry about put me over the edge on that one in just two weeks so I kinda had to. Then I met the string of text machines so it was a good thing I covered my ass. An insanely high phone bill is not worth it, especially when it goes nowhere.

Why must we drag out the emailing too? Why not say “okay, I like your profile, dig the pictures, we’ve got some sort of chemistry via phone/text… so let’s meet up” and then fucking meet already? I HATE dragging it out and I hate getting emotionally invested in something that ends up not matching in person. I give it a few days of communication before I decide if we should meet up for coffee or something. I mean what’s the damn point in dragging it out?

And here’s something else… how the hell do you still have the exact same profile today that I saw 3 fucking years ago? Yeah, if I can recognize your photo in a line up of hundreds then there’s a reason. Clearly the reason is you lack creativity and don’t know how to operate a camera. That or you’ve changed drastically in those few years and have chosen just your best angles. Speaking of photos, I don’t want to see your car, your house, group photos as ALL your photos, your dog, or a photo of you drinking. Drinking in more than one? Really? This is the image we want to present to potential mates? FAIL.

Oh! And facebooking me. Seriously? Yeah I don’t think so buddy. My facebook page has entirely too much information on it that I don’t care to share with some random fool. You don’t need to check out my family and friends before we even meet. I don’t even like how much work shit is on there.

Oy. It’s a head spinning world out there. I don’t quite remember it being this way either. Then again, I didn’t really text message until I got a smartphone. I also didnt have much need of a phone since half way through our relationship, Chet didn’t have one. Yeah, I got a little bit TOO used to that fact and after a while I kind of liked the no phone thing. Now I’m in a texting universe and I want out! Next guy who asks to facebook me or asks if I text is going to the bottom of the pile.

I have no interest in dating a cellphone. End of discussion.